JERRY SPRINGER
("Parody of "One Week" by Bare Naked Ladies"New lyrics by "Weird Al" Yankovic)
It's been one week since we got to see. Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry. Five days since they had the show. With the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho. Three days since we heard the tale.About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male.Yesterday it occurred to me.That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Holy cow, d'you see it last week? Well, they had this one freak Who sucker-punched his whole family Do you recall when the brawl Became a total free-for-all? And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee Hey, see the stripper with the implants? She likes to lap dance And date the boyfriend of her mother Now here comes Jerry's next guest And it's a slugfest 'Cause it's her trailer trash brother Nymphomaniac is back on crack It's like "When Animals Attack" They all exhibit reprehensible behavior Hit'em in the nose, tear off their clothes Step on their toes, that's how it goes They get so violent they have to sign a waiver
They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange When he found out that his wife had a sex change They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly They have a history of ripping off their shirts
It's been one week since they had the fight With the Siamese twins and the transvestite Five days since that awful brawl They still haven't got the blood off the wall It's been three days since the bitter feud Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude Yesterday, finally dawned on me I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer
male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister.
female Springer guest: Oh, which one?
male Springer guest: All of 'em.
female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake.
male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
male Springer guest: That goat doesn't love you!
Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin' Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin' Jerry's the king of confrontation He's a sensation He puts the 'sin' in syndication It's totally worthless, like a bad check It's like a train wreck Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows But with more weirdos The ratings jumpin' higher every day If you've seen the show, well then you know It's just as low as you can go The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene And pretty soon some ugly goon Comes in the room and then it's BOOM In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen
Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies "Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant Should I turn off my TV? I just can't I have a tendency to watch it religiously I have a history of taping each one
It's been one week since the show about Psycho killers with problems they should work out Five days since the big surprise When some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys Three days since he interviewed A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude Yesterday, it occurred to me That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer Come over here and pull on my finger
THE SAGA BEGINS
Lyrical adaption of 'American Pie' by Don McLean Music Corporation of America, Inc./Benny Bird Music (BMI) (Administered by Copyright Management, Inc.) New lyrics by Al Yankovic With Special Thanks to George Lucas
A long long time ago in a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn Could talk the Federation into Maybe cutting them a little slack But their response, it didn't thrill us They locked the doors and tried to kill us We escaped from that gas Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass We took a bongo from the scene And we went to Theed to see the queen We all wound up on Tatooine That's where we found this boy...
Oh my my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Did you know this junkyard slave Isn't even old enough to shave But he can use the Force they say Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen Though he's just nine and she's fourteen Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday Well, I know he built C-3PO And I've heard how fast his pod can go And we were broke, it's true So we made a wager or two He was a prepubescent flyin' ace And the minute Jabba started off that race Well, I know who would win first place Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Now we finally got to Coruscant The Jedi Council we knew would want To see how good the boy could be So we took him there and we told the tale How his midi-chlorians were off the scale And he might fulfill that prophecy Oh, the Council was impressed, of course Could he bring balance to the Force? They interviewed the kid Oh, training they forbid Because Yoda sensed in him much fear And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here Just stick it in your pointy ear I still will teach this boy"
He was singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We caught a ride back to Naboo 'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to I frankly would've liked to stay We all fought in that epic war And it wasn't long at all before Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day And in the end some Gungans died Some ships blew up and some pilots fried A lot of folks were croakin' The battle droids were broken And the Jedi I admire most Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" We were singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
GRAPEFRUIT DIET
Parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies New lyrics by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Who's that waddlin' down the street? It's just me, 'cause I love to eat Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham Who's real flabby? Yes, I am! Every picture of me's Gotta be an aerial view Now my doctor tells me There's just one thing left to do--
Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Throw out the pizza and beer Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Might seem a little severe Grapefruit Diet (Diet) I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear Blow, flatty!
Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss Walked down an alley and I got stuck I got more rolls than a pastry truck When I'm all done eating I eat a little more When I leave a room First I gotta grease the door
Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Can't have another eclair Grapefruit Diet (Diet) I gotta decrease my derriere
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
No more pie now No more creme brulee Lay off the gravy And souffle No french fri-yi-yies now No ice cream parfait Mr. Cheese Nacho Stay away
Oh, I think I'd sell my soul For a triple patty melt But I need a boomerang When I put on my belt
Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Lay off the 3 Musketeers Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Until my big booty disappears Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Eat'em till they're comin' out of my ears Grapefruit Diet (Diet) 'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
Weird Al Yankovic
I Lost On Jeopardy
I LOST ON JEOPARDY
Ohhhhhh...
I was there, to match my intellect, on national TV, Against a plumber, and an architect, both with a Ph.D. I was tense, I was nervous, I guess it just wasn't my night. Art Fleming gave the answers, Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight
I lost on Jeopardy, Baby, (Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy, Baby, (Oooh.)
Well I knew I was in trouble now, My hope of winning sank, 'Cause I got the Daily Double now, And then my mind went blank. I took Potpourri for one hundred, And then my head started to spin. Well, I'm givin' up. Don Pardo, Just tell me now what I didn't win, Yeah, yeah.
I lost on Jeopardy, Baby, (Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy, Baby, (Oooh.)
That's right Al--you lost! And let me tell what you didn't win: a twenty- volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. But that's not all! You also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people! And you brought shame and disgrace on your family name for generations to come! You don't get to come back tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of your home game! You're a complete loser!!
Don't know what I was thinkin' of, I guess I just wasn't too bright. Well, I sure hope I do better Next weekend on The Price Is Right-ight-ight
I lost on Jeopardy, Baby, (Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy, Baby, (Oooh.)
I lost on Jeopardy, Baby...
Weird Al Yankovic
Amish Paradise
AMISH PARADISE
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain But that's just perfect for an Amish like me You know I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise I've churned butter once or twice Living in an Amish paradise It's hard work and sacrifice Living in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at a discount price Living in an Amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek I really don't care, in fact I wish him well 'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies agree I really look good in black... fool If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare We're just technologically impaired
There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like Robinson Caruso It's as primitive as can be
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish Paradise We're just plain and simple guys Living in an Amish Paradise There's no time for sin and vice Living in an Amish Paradise We don't fight, we all play nice Living in an Amish Paradise
Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anutter Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart? Well, I know I'm a million time as humble as thou art I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife So don't be vain and don't be whiny Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish Paradise We're all crazy Mennonites Living in an Amish Paradise There's no cops or traffic lights Living in an Amish Paradise But you'd probably think it bites Living in an Amish Paradise
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-yecch
ALBUQUERQUE
(by "Weird Al" Yankovic)
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy!!! Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...
to Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut, and only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts." I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts." I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!" I said, "You got any bear claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!" I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels." I said, "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, aw yeah. But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go...
in Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes, and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*
heh heh heh heh
Truck Drivin' Song
by Al Yankovic
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While I'm still waiting for my nails to dry
Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight
Because I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when I hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch
But still I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And I'm late for my appointment down at the hair salon
So I'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on
