That night, with children asleep and adults swathed in pajamas and comfy blankets, the friends settled down in Andy’s living room to watch Saturday Night Live on the big screen TV. Alex sat at the far end of one of the couches with his legs propped up on Mandi’s legs. Reny sat next to Mandi and had just recently finished painting Alex’s toenails red. Jamie sat in the armchair, with Kit curled up on his lap, and fiddled with Lucy’s hair as she sat on the floor beside him. Andy was comfortably sprawled out over both Em and Jacks’ laps as they sat on the other couch, and Sean was stretched out under their feet and was easy tickling prey for Em’s wandering toes. As the local news ended all the friends perked up a little and when they opening skit was a parody of VTV News they all whooped and hollered, setting the tone for the rest of the evening.
Anton came out for his monologue and all eyes turned to Emmy to watch her face light up as she giggled at the overdone faces he made at the audience while they cheered.
“You’re too cute.” Andy said, reaching up to pat Em’s rosy cheeks. Even Jacks smiled as she shook her head.
“For the life of me I will never understand what you see in that man.”
“People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Lulu said under her breath, while avoiding Jacks’ eye at all costs.
“I heard that Lulu, and believe me, I’m just as confused as anybody else.” Jacks laughed and rubbed her tootsies over Sean’s hip. “But at least my…”
“Shh!” Em interrupted. “Anton talkie, Emmy likey.” Her eyes were focused intently on the screen as the show began.
As the show progressed there were definite highlights. The first was when Scott and Anton came out dressed as Spark.
There was a little stage set up with a black velvet curtain hanging down. The audience was screaming and holding signs. Some held by girls said: “I want to be just like you when I grow up.” While ones held by men said things like: “What are you doing after the show?” An announcer came on the stage and hyped up the crowd by asking if they were excited to see the reunion tour of Spark. That’s when all hell broke loose.
Scott jumped into the frame wearing huge overalls over a yellow tube top and a light brown wig styled in pigtails with sunflowers popping out of the hair ties. He bounded across the little stage and threw handfuls of candy at the audience. Anton strutted on next in a tight black glittering dress, slit up to his hip and stuffed in all the right places. His wig was long and softly waved, and he carried a rose that he trailed seductively over his body.
“I have never done that in my life!” Em cried through her laughter.
When Scott ran out of candy he smacked Anton in the butt as Anton was shaking his hips to the music in his head.
“Are ya’ll ready to party?” Scott yelled in a high-pitched voice.
“YES!” the audience screamed in return. Just then, the opening strains to Spark’s biggest dance hit “Bring It” came on.
Reny and Em looked at each other with fear in their eyes.
Scott and Anton began to sing the song and do the choreography. Scott’s voice strained a little to reach Reny’s notes, but Anton used his creepily good falsetto to sing right on Em’s pitch. They were almost halfway though the song when two of the Saturday Night Live cast members came on the stage. One wore a gray turtleneck; tailored black slacks, black rimmed “Buddy Holly” glasses, and stood with his arms crossed as he watched. The other wore a furry red sweater; baggy leather pants, a red plastic duster, and made goofy faces at the audience while winking and pointing to some of the girls. The singing suddenly stopped as the “girls” noticed the men at the side of the stage.
“SCOTTIE!” Scott shrieked and ran to jump into the arms of the SNL cast member.
“ANTON!” Anton yelled. The cast member didn’t turn. “Anton.” Nothing. “HEY!” Still nothing. So Anton yanked up the hem of his dress in order to walk better and marched over to the man. He tapped the cast member on the shoulder and as the man turned Anton belted him across the face. As the man reeled Anton smiled at him. “Hi Honey! I’m so glad you could make it to the show.” The man mumbled something and emptied his pockets of a few dozen slips of paper meant to be the phone numbers of some of the audience members. The man then spit out some loose teeth and smiled.
“Baby, you know I love you.”
“I love you too.” Anton said kissing the man on the cheek. He then turned to the audience. “So um, maybe this was a bad idea after all. I think maybe we should stay at home with our LOVING husbands. We’ll have a reunion tour later.” Anton glared at the man.
“Speak for yourselves.” The cast member playing Scott said, shoving Scottie and Anton to the ground. “Come on guys!”
And with that three other cast members joined the other two and began to sing and dance to the Unison hit “See Ya”. The audience stopped screaming for a minute and looked very confused before shrugging and switching signs so that now the men held “I want to be just like you when I grow up” and the girls held “What are you doing after the show?” Scott and Anton shared annoyed glances before stalking off, ending the skit.
The rest of the friends gasped for air throughout the commercial break, wiping tears from their eyes just in time to see another priceless sketch.
“Hello and welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy’s Teen Dream episode. Today we’ll illustrate that no matter how rich and famous you are as a young adult, it doesn’t make you any smarter than that little kid in kindergarten that ate paste everyday. With us are; Mark Wahlberg, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Anton Ghilberti. Welcome to you all.”
“Thanks for having us on!” The actress playing Jennifer said with an overdone bounce and giggle.
“Anytime. Did you go on a crack binge earlier today or something? Calm down.”
“OK!”
“Hey Cutie.” Anton said, wiggling his eyebrows at “Jennifer”. “What are you doing after the show?”
“Well,” she twirled a strand of hair, “I was thinking about like, um, saving some of the rainforests or some cute little kitties or something. Hee hee.”
“Funny, I was thinking about getting a little kitty…”
“First question! For the love of God, first question.” The ‘Alex Trebek’ cast member yelled with a shocked expression. “This one is for Mark, or would you prefer Marky Mark?”
“Yo man, I got rid of that stupid name like… three years ago or something.”
“And that’s really great, now can you please pull your pants up?”
“Oh, sure thing Bro.”
“Oh good, I’m his bro. Anyway, the category is Middle Names. Now, for $100, Mr. Wahlberg… what is your middle name?” Jennifer rang in first.
“What is Michael?”
“How the? I’m sorry, that’s an incomplete answer.” ‘Alex’ said. Mark and Anton stood very still for a few seconds and ponder. Anton rang in.
“What is Robert Michael?”
“That is correct.” ‘Alex’ said. “May I ask how the hell your opponents knew the answer and you didn’t Mr. Wahlberg?”
“Yo man, I don’t know. Did you see me in Boogie Nights? Dude I was hot!”
“Would either of you care to answer that question?” Jennifer rang in.
“I knew because I practice reading with Tiger Beat! I mean, oh poop! What is?”
“You’re a moron. Mr. Gilberti?”
“I just stole his wallet.” Anton shrugged. “I’m from Brooklyn. You gotta do what cha gotta do.” While the audience went nuts another category was chosen.
“Ok, this one if for Miss Hewitt. For $200, are your breasts real?”
“What is NO!” Jennifer yelled happily. “I mean, what is yes! Shit, where my freakin publicist.”
“I’m sorry we’re going to have to go with your first answer, and watch that potty mouth Missy, this isn’t FOX. On the bright side… you are correct. Your breasts are indeed fake.”
“Well duh.” Mark said to Anton and they both started laughing.
“Alright, well we’re just going to skip to Final Jeopardy because I can’t take much more of this. I swear to God, I thought this crap wasn’t in my contract anymore. Anyway, the Final Jeopardy question is… what show are you on? Did you get that people? The Final JEOPARDY question, on today’s JEOPARDY is, what show are you on?” As the three of them thought about the question Alex kept talking. “Today on JEOPARDY. Yup, I’m just the little host of JEOPARDY. Here on Celebrity JEOPARDY. Oh God, well, it looks as though Mr. Wahlberg has removed his pants again. And… Mr. Gilberti, Mr. Gilberti, could you please put Miss Hewitt down? She may just know the answer to this Final JEOPARDY question.”
“It’s ok Mr. Tree, I don’t know it.” Jennifer answered. ‘Alex’ shook his head and rubbed his temples.
“Do we really need to bother with showing their answers? And my name is Trebek, not tree you horrible excuse for an animate object. What’s that? We HAVE to see what they wrote? GODDAMNIT!” ‘Alex’ took a bottle from behind his podium and had a long drink before walking over to the contestants. “Alright there Miss. Harlot, let’s see what you wrote.” There was a pause. “Party of Five. Huh. Well, at least you named a show, right stupid? Moving right along, Mr. Gilberti, what was your response?” Another pause. “Boobs. Ah yes, how appropriate. STOP LAUGHING!” ‘Alex took another long drink. “And Mr. Wahlberg?” A pause. “You drew your butt. Lovely.” Anton and Mark dissolved into giggles while Jennifer turned around and ran into the wall behind them. “And so, once again, a lot of wonderful charities will go without money because they rely on famous people to be intelligent. I’m Alex Trebek, thank you for watching Jeopardy.”
“That was funny, but he’s got some explaining to do when he gets home about his behavior thus far tonight.” Em said, trying to suppress the laughter bubbling up inside her as all her friends were nearly dying from the skit.
“Come on Emmy,” Andy said, wiping the tears off his face. “He did it for the sake of comedy.”
“Shh…. It’s coming back on!” Reny cried.
It was time for Scottie’s performance. He’d chosen an up-tempo to start with. He’d written is about a past girlfriend and called it “Burnt Me Bad”. It was one of Reny’s favorite songs and she mouthed the words along with him, making a slight face if he wavered on a note or was off a count in his steps. He had three backup dancers, two girls and a guy, and most of his band consisted of the old Unison band. It was an amazing performance, as always. Scottie wouldn’t have been at all happy with anything less.
Then came another skit that was a comedy gem. It was a superhero convention being held at the Hilton. They were all there; Spiderman, Wolverine, Captain America, The Green Lantern, Gambit, all the members of the Fantastic Four… everybody. Anton was dressed as Superman and sat at the head table looking very impatient.
“Where is he? He’s the guest of honor.” He said to Spiderman.
“Dude I don’t know. He’s not usually this late.”
“Thank God there’s not a crime or anything taking place. Geeze, I’d hate to be attacked in Gotham with him on the patrol.”
“Well you know Superman, not everybody has the convince of changing in a phone booth. Some of us don’t like reeking of urine.”
“Oh shut up Storm.” Anton said, sticking his tongue out at the female superhero at his left. Just then the door flew open and Scott came in wearing the full black Bat-suit. He spun to face the cameras.
“I’m Batman.” He whispered.
“You’re late.” Anton said, grabbing Scott by one of his Bat-ears.
“I’m Batman.”
“Yeah, we get it. You’re Batman.”
“I’m Batman.”
“Great.” Anton rolled his eyes and stepped behind a little podium. “I just want to welcome everybody here tonight. It’s really great that we can show support for each other. So, without further ado, here’s my friend and yours… Batman.” Scott stood up and took his place behind the podium. He leaned slowly down to the microphone and then whispered.
“I’m Batman.” The superheroes cheered and clapped and then quieted, waiting for his speech. “I’m Batman.” The others cheered again, but this time a little less enthusiastically. “I’m Batman.” Anton yanked him away from the podium and out the door of the convention room as the other superheroes clapped halfheartedly.
“What is your problem?”
“I’m Batman.”
“Yes, I know that. But why are you acting so weird?”
“I’m Batman.”
“SNAP OUT OF IT!” Anton yelled, shaking Scott’s shoulders.
“I’m…. Batman!” Scott said triumphantly. Anton shook his head.
“This is for your own good Buddy.” He reached back and threw a punch at Scott’s head. Scott intercepted the punch.
“I’m Batman.” He whispered.
“Ha ha. I was just jokin man, I wasn’t really gonna hit ya. You believe me right?”
“I’m Batman.”
“Ow, ok, you’re sort of bruising the Man of Steel here.”
“I’m Batman.”
“Help!!!!!!!” Anton screamed just before Scott threw him out a window.
“I’m Batman.” He said again, brushing off his hands. Behind him Anton appeared in the window. He came through the window, shoved Scottie to the ground and beat the living daylights out of him. Then stood up and went to rejoin the convention.
“And I’m Superman, bitch.”
The friends were howling so loud by now that Cameron, Paul, and Jeff had all managed to sneak into the room unnoticed. They watched the rest of the show, chuckling at a few of the other skits. Anton was in one in which he played Howie Mandel and did the “Bobby” voice. Em had to cover her ears, and Jacks threw popcorn at the screen until Andy complained about having a buttery TV. Scott did another performance, this time of a ballad. This was also one of Reny’s favorites called “Here in My Soul”. Her eyes teared up a little during the performance when Scottie looked straight into the camera and tapped softly at the freckle on his finger. It was their special sign that they were thinking about each other. Mandi patted her shoulder reassuringly.
“He’ll be home before you know it.” Reny sniffed and brushed away the tear on her cheek.
“I know, I’m just being silly.” Reny looked over and knew that she’d get the most understanding look from Em. Em smiled, but her attention when back to the screen when Anton’s voice came back on thanking everyone for watching. Then, as the credits rolled, they watched as he and Scott pulled out cell phones. Em gasped and looked at Reny, who was already struggling to get up. They heard their phones ringing and Em screamed when Andy decided to be deadweight in her lap.
“Somebody get my phone!” She called. Lucy jumped up and got it just as they all heard Reny squeal with delight as she started talking to Scott. Lucy handed the phone over to Em who relaxed into the cushions and let Anton’s voice give her goosebumps.
“I’ll see you soon Baby.”
“I love you. You were wonderful.”
“Ha! You think so?”
“Well, we have a few things to talk about, but you knew that.”
“Yeah.” Anton laughed. “Hey, I have to go and pack, but I’ll see you first thing tomorrow. Take care of yourself.”
“I will. Don’t stay up all night, I want you awake when I see you.”
“I won’t. Although we could just stay on the phone till I get on the plane.”
“That’s very tempting, but I don’t think it’ll work.”
“I hate leaving you. Even if it is for a few hours.” Anton laughed.
“Ok, now you really are worrying too much.” Em giggled along with him.
“I love you Emmy.”
“I love you too Anton. Goodbye.”
“Bye.” Em hung up the phone and sighed with a smile on her lips.
“My baby’s coming home soon.” She said happily before being pelted with pillows and kisses by Andy and Jacks.