“Would you like me to hold on to that for you?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Sam asked, shaking herself out of her own thoughts as she glanced to the production assistant on her right.

“The microphone. Would you like me to take it until they’re ready for you?” he offered again.

“Oh,” she said glancing down at the black object she held tightly in her hand. “No, I’m fine. Thanks.”

“Actually, I think he’s more worried about the equipment than he is about you,” Michele pointed out, referring to the white-knuckled death grip Sam had on the mic.

“Maybe you should take it,” she said with an embarrassed smile as she handed it to the production assistant. “My God, my hands are so sweaty,” she groaned while looking down at them.

“Here,” Michele offered, handing her a couple of tissues from the small bag at her waist.

“Well aren’t we prepared,” Sam teased managing a small smile.

“Hey, it’s my job,” her hair and makeup girl retorted before changing to a more serious tone. “You know, you can do this,” she said timidly.

“Do what?”

“This,” Michele gestured to their surroundings inside the MTV studios. “I mean, without Lance. You can do this wi…”

“Just stop,” Sam cut her off abruptly as she tossed the tissues into a nearby trashcan, immediately feeling bad for being so sharp. “I’m sorry. I know you mean well, but I’ve had this conversation with just about every damn person I’ve come across today and I honestly don’t think I can do it again.”

“It’s okay, just so long as you know that you can.”

“I know that I can do it without him… I just wish I didn’t have to,” Sam sighed as Carson began his introduction for the show.

“June 11th, 2002. It’s new music Tuesday and today on TRL we’ve got brand new artist Samantha Clark for you. She’ll hang out with us for the whole show and help me co-host. We’ll talk about her new album, her life and much, much more. She’ll also treat us to a special live performance. All that and everything else we can possibly fit into an hour, right now, on TRL.”

The P.A. said something into his headset and then turned to her, the crowd beginning their boisterous cheers as the brief theme music and graphics package played for the home viewers. “Carson will say a few more things here at the beginning and then he’ll bring you out right away,” he explained while leading her closer to the stage entrance. “Don’t worry, I’ll give you your cue when it’s time,” the young man reassured, obviously sensing the overwhelming case of nerves that had attacked the rising artist.

“Okay,” Samantha nodded slowly as Michele held a small mirror in front of her face.

“One last check, does everything look good to you?” she asked.

Sam quickly glanced over her makeup, a simple and natural look that Michele had created for her, smiling to make sure there was no lipstick on her teeth. She then checked her hair. The long layers cascaded freely just below her shoulders but were gifted with extra body thanks to the large rollers Michele had used to style them.

“It looks fine to me,” Sam replied handing her the mirror. “How’s it look to you? Is everything in its place in the back? Hair? Clothes?” She had chosen a very pale pink shirt with capped sleeves and an almost opaque appearance. The garment was fashioned with an empire seam-line just below the bust and two slits on either of her sides, allowing the light fabric to flow easily with movement and giving it a sexy flair without being too overt. She wore heavily faded, low-rise jeans and complemented the ensemble with a cute pair of canvas sandals matching the shade of her shirt.

“Hair is laying flat, shirt is laying flat, and no thong showing. You’re all set,” Michele said giving her an enthusiastic thumbs up.

“What up boys and girls? This is TRL and I’m Carson Daly. We’re coming to you live from our Times Square studios this week as opposed to our Jersey beach house where we’ve been for the past few weeks. I guess we just decided to give our staff a break from the sun or something. Honestly, I’m not really sure why we’re here instead of there. But whatever, enough about that. As I said in the opening we’ve got a great, packed-to-the-seams show for you today and I’m just gonna shut up and get to it.

My guest released her debut CD today and has been creating a lot of buzz in the industry and among the general public with her first single already reaching the top five. She’s no stranger to dealing with people talking about her thanks to her famous manager, but now people want to hear more about who she is – professionally, privately, personal stuff – all of it. And we figured who better to give you the story than MTV and TRL? Now, normally we don’t devout a whole hour to a new artist, but this one happens to be a personal friend of mine and I thought it’d be fun to have her co-host with me. Not to mention I think she is incredibly talented and this is just the beginning of what I’m sure will be a long and successful career for her. So I called her up, she said yes, and here she is – rising singing sensation – Samantha Clark!”

Sam’s own song blared from the sound system as the production assistant handed her the microphone and motioned for her to head out the stage. The initial crowd reaction was a bit overwhelming as she walked onto the set. It was a surreal experience for her as she touched the outstretched hands near her and waved to those she couldn’t reach, a smile gracing her pretty features as everything seemed to move in slow-motion. Sam made her way over to Carson, a mixture of so many emotions raging inside her as she struggled to stay calm and just enjoy the moment. As he leaned in to kiss her cheek, the two friends embraced.

“Are you okay?” Carson half-shouted into her ear.

“I think my legs are about to give out on me,” Sam joked as they released from their hug.

He laughed and flashed her a reassuring smile. “Do you wanna wave to the kids outside?” Carson asked motioning towards the window.

“Of course!” Sam said as they made their way over. She waved earnestly at the crowd as they cheered, some of them holding handmade posters and signs or pictures of her. “I can’t believe this! Nobody probably understands how… weird this feels for me to be up here doing this.”

“Actually I have an idea what you’re referring to, but we’ll get to that later,” Carson said as they made their way back to the middle of the stage. “First off, how are you?”

“Honestly? I am SO nervous,” Sam confessed with a giggle.

“Aww, come on! There’s nothing to be nervous about. We’re all family here,” he comforted, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “It’s just you, me, and a studio full of people. Don’t even think about the cameras and the people at home. Lord knows I sure as hell don’t,” the dark-haired man quipped as the audience gasped. “Oh calm down, I was only joking, losers. So today is a pretty exciting day for you, right?” he asked Sam as he let go of her. “I can only imagine what it must be like.”

“It’s very exciting. But it still feels like I’m living somebody else’s life. Like, I’m just waiting to wake up or something. It honestly feels like a dream. It’s just crazy,” she said with a smile as she shook her head.

“Trust me, it’s not a dream. It’s all your life and you deserve every bit of it.”

“Thank you. That’s very sweet of you Carson,” Sam interrupted.

“No problem. So we’re gonna talk about so many things today, clear up some rumors, explain how you got into the music industry, all that. And you’re going to treat us to a live performance, but you’re also here to help me co-host so why don’t you introduce the first video and get things started,” he suggested.

“After being gone for a few days, P.O.D. bounces back onto the countdown at number ten. Here are the guys with ‘Boom’,” she read a bit shakily from the cue cards.

“Yeah! Great job,” Carson hollered as the video started and the crowd cheered.

“We’ve got a slight lighting problem so I need you guys to come offstage while we fix it,” a technician informed the hosting team as Carson received the same message from the director through his earpiece. He led Sam over to the small area adjacent to the stage where he and the guests normally waited during the commercial breaks.

“You’re doing fine. Relax,” he said, once again putting a friendly arm around her.

“Thanks. I probably looked like a fool didn’t I?”

“No you didn’t. I’m always a fool,” Carson laughed. “But you’re normal. Trust me.”

“Hey, get your paws off my talent,” a strong voice ordered from the opposite end of the small space, which was open to the rest of the backstage area.

Sam spun around as quickly as she could and a shriek of pure surprise escaped her mouth as she rushed towards him. “What are you doing here!? I thought you had to record for that Disney thing today,” she questioned throwing her arms around him tightly. The force of her momentum knocked the pair backwards a few steps.

“Wow. Hi,” Lance chuckled as he grabbed a hold of her and regained his balance.

“Seriously, what happened to the recording thing?” she asked again as a thought came into her mind. “Oh my God! Lance, I swear to holy heaven if this whole thing was a setup just to prove to me that I didn’t need you here, I will kick your…”

“It wasn’t a setup. I swear,” he promised as they finally released from their clinch. “We really were supposed to be in the studio recording but the producer had to rush to the hospital so we had to postpone it.”

“That’s great! I’m so glad you’re here!” Sam said excitedly as she hugged him again, this time only a quick one before realizing what she had just said. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here but that’s terrible about the producer. Is he okay?” she asked with an embarrassed face.

Lance laughed. “He’s fine. His wife is having a baby.”

“Oh,” Sam said with a sigh of relief. “How nice for them.”

“Yeah, nice and early,” he laughed. “Hey Carson,” Lance greeted the older man.

“Hey! I was wondering where you were. Good to see you again.”

“You too. So I saw the opening of the show, you looked great,” he said turning his attention back to Sam.

“Are you sure I didn’t look too nervous?”

“No you looked good. Why? How are you doing?” the blonde man asked concerned.

“I’m doing better now but I’ve been a mess all day.”

“Did you get sick?”

“Twice,” Sam confirmed. “Once when we first got here and then again a few minutes ago before the show started.”

“You puked?” Carson asked, he couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. “You’re not pregnant are ya?” he joked before realizing that it was a possibility. “I’m sorry, that was stupid of me.”

“No it’s okay,” Sam laughed. “I’m not pregnant. I have a really nervous stomach and I usually get sick before performances and stuff like that.”

“Seriously? Before every performance?”

“Well, not every performance anymore, but every time I do something new, especially TV shows,” she explained. “But after the first couple nights of a tour, I’m usually okay.”

“Wow, that must suck,” Carson laughed.

“It does,” Lance agreed teasingly.

“I’m sort of used to it by now,” Sam shrugged. “Most of the time it calms me down.”

“Do you mind if we talk about it on the show?” Carson asked cautiously.

“No. I don’t mind,” she said as one of the producers approached and requested the two of them back on stage.

“I’m going to go watch the rest of the show in the green room with Jen and Wade,” Lance said before giving Sam a quick kiss.

“Do you want the audience to know that you’re here Lance?” Carson asked.

“No. Today is Sam’s day,” he said with a smile as he turned and walked away.

***

“Well that explains why she looks so calm now,” Jen said as Lance entered the room where she and Wade sat watching the show on a monitor.

“Really? You can tell?” Lance asked as he sat down on one of the couches.

“Definitely. It looks like she was throwing back a few drinks during the video,” Wade joked.

“She looks so good. And so natural,” Lance said proudly.

“She does look pretty hot today,” Wade agreed. Lance raised an eyebrow at him. “Whatever dude, your girl is hot.”

Lance smiled. “She is isn’t she?”

“Yeah, yeah. She’s hot. Enough already.” Jen rolled her eyes. “I’m actually trying to hear what she’s saying.”

“Don’t be jealous. You’re hot too Jen,” Wade taunted.

“But not as hot as Sam,” Lance added quietly.

Jen glared at the two of them.

“He said that, not me,” Wade laughed. “I think you’re as hot as…”

“Just shut up,” she cut him off. “Damn children, I swear,” the young woman grumbled as she turned back to the television, smacking Wade as he continued to laugh at her.

“All right so take me through your day Sam. What was the first thing you did today?” Carson asked.

“Um, let’s see… I actually had a hard time falling asleep last night and I needed some coffee to get me going this morning. So I had a little breakfast and then I showered and brushed my teeth and all that stuff. And then we left the hotel and I did a radio interview this morning and then after we finished that, I actually went and bought a copy of my album,” she admitted with a shy smile.

“Did anybody in the store recognize you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think they did because I had a hat and sunglasses on but we weren’t exactly being low key, so it’s possible.”

“What do you mean by that? You were wearing a hat and glasses and you weren’t being low key?” Carson prodded.

“Well yeah, because I was taking pictures next to my CDs on the rack, and there was a little display, and a poster that we took a pictures of. And yes, I know I’m a dork,” Sam laughed.

“Hey, it’s a big day, a big thing for you. I think you’re entitled. So then what’d you do after tearing it up in the record store?”

“Then I had a magazine interview. After that we went to lunch, back to the hotel for about 15 minutes and then here this afternoon to start rehearsals.”

“You said we a couple times… who is ‘we’? Or do I even have to ask?” he teased.

Sam smirked. “My manager and myself, of course, and our bodyguards.”

“Of course,” Carson smiled. “What was his name again? Chris or something?”

“Yeah, something like that,” she played along. “He tells me he’s part of some singing group or something.”

Carson laughed, “Obviously we’re kidding around. Lance Bass from *NSYNC is your manager, correct?”

“Yes, he’s my manager,” the petite woman confirmed with a nod as the crowd cheered at the mention of Lance.

“And much more of course,” he added wiggling his eyebrows as Sam giggled. “But we’ll get to that later. Let’s talk about what happened to you once you got here at the MTV studios. I hear you had a bit of stomach problem or something? What’s that all about?”

“Oh yeah,” she groaned. “I got sick.”

“Sick how?”

“I threw up. Twice,” she laughed.

“Why? Is there something here in the building that made you physically ill?” Carson laughed.

“No. I just have a really nervous stomach. And when I’m nervous or anxious about something, I get sick,” Sam explained. “Especially when it’s the first time I’m doing something, particularly performances or appearances, stuff like that.”

“So then I should be honored that I made you hurl?” he teased.

“Yes,” the brunette giggled.

“But we’re friends and you’ve been here a bunch of times with Lance and the rest of the guys…”

“But I was never a guest. I didn’t have to worry about a performance. This is my first time on national TV Carson. This is a big deal!” Sam explained with exaggerated enthusiasm.

“Okay,” he said throwing his arms up in defeat. “I understand. Don’t yell at me,” he laughed. “So when you’re on tour, do you get sick every night then?”

“Not every night, no. Usually just the first couple of nights and then I’m okay because the show is pretty much the same every night.”

“That makes sense. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get back to the countdown, Pukey,” Carson cracked as he turned back to the cue cards and the next video started. “Let’s talk a little bit about Vanessa Carlton. She’s at number nine today with ‘A Thousand Miles’. She’s only got a couple more days before we retire this video. But Vanessa has already shot her next video and we’ll have that for you soon. Vanessa Carlton at nine.”

“And up two spots from yesterday, P.Diddy lands at number eight with ‘I Need A Girl, Part Two’,” Sam picked up easily. “This latest remix features Ginuwine, among others, and here it is, your eighth most requested for today.”

“Yes, and while you watch I’m gonna find the Puker some Pepto,” Carson teased as she retaliated with a playful nudge.

Lance laughed at the two of them as the video started and his mind wandered.

*****

“Honey, do you want me to see if I can find you some Pepto Bismol or something?” the young woman asked as she gave her friend’s hand a comforting squeeze. Mel’s concern was obvious to Lance as he watched the two of them from the other side of the small dressing room. “Sami?”

Samantha turned to the woman seated beside her. “No,” she answered grimly, swallowing back the new wave of nausea brought on by the mere mention of the gritty, pink substance. “But thank you.”

There was a knock on the door and Sam bolted to her feet as Lonnie entered with a vase full of vibrantly colored flowers.

“For me? Lonnie, you shouldn’t have!” Joey shrieked like a woman.

The large bodyguard ignored him as he approached Sam. “Where’s my smile?” he demanded as he handed her the bouquet. She managed a small grin. “That’s more like it,” he smiled in return.

“Thank you,” Sam said as he turned to leave. She walked over to the vanity and placed the flowers with the others that had arrived earlier. As she sat down on the bench in front of the mirror she reached for the small envelope tucked in with the bundle of petals and leaves. Justin plopped down beside her as she read the card inside.

“Who are they from?” he asked curiously.

Sam stuck the card back into the flowers before reaching for a tissue. “Jen,” she finally answered after dabbing at her eyes.

Chris noticed JC’s reaction at the mention of Jen. “Have you heard from her at all?”

“No,” JC replied flatly with a shake of his head. The guys had all come at different times to wish Sam good luck and none of them had yet to leave the backstage area.

“It feels so weird that she’s not here,” Sam said sadly.

“It really does,” Justin agreed as his close friend slipped a peppermint into her mouth. “So, do you think you’re going to make it?” he nudged at her shoulder, hoping to calm her nerves even a little bit.

“No,” she answered honestly with a laugh.

There was another knock at the door. This time it was the manager of the club. “Fifteen minutes,” he informed.

Sam sat silently, a blank stare on her face. “Thanks,” Lance spoke up and the man disappeared just as quickly as he had appeared.

“You’re so worried for her, aren’t you?” Joey asked Mel quietly as she fidgeted on the sofa beside him.

“I couldn’t be more nervous if it were me,” the dark-haired woman confirmed with a heavy sigh.

“She’ll be great,” he assured wrapping his arm around her shoulders, giving her a firm squeeze.

Sam shoved another mint into her mouth as she stood up and began pacing the floor. “I can’t do this,” she mumbled to no one in particular.

“Yes you can.” JC beat the rest of them to the punch. “You were great last night. You blew everyone away,” he insisted earnestly.

“But that was different,” Sam argued. “Last night was just normal people, none of them had any expectations, there was no pressure, it didn’t count for anything.”

“We were there. What, we don’t count anymore?” Chris cracked.

“You know what I mean. You’ve all heard me sing before. But this showcase tonight… all those record industry people out there…” she trailed off as the all too familiar rumblings of queasiness rose once again from the pit of her stomach. “Oh God,” she groaned covering her mouth as she dashed to the adjoining bathroom.

“Lance tell her I’m sorry, but I have to go because if I hear her, I’m gonna get sick myself,” Mel explained sprinting for the door.

“It’s okay, go. I’m sure she’ll understand,” the blonde man said with an understanding nod. “In fact, why don’t you all go out to your seats and give me a few minutes alone with her.” It was more of a command than it was a suggestion as he slipped into the small bathroom with his girlfriend.

She was kneeled over the toilet gagging as he bent down beside her and took her brown hair from her own hands, holding it back away from her face. After a few moments, her wrenching heaves subsided and Lance ran a comforting hand across her back.

“Are you okay?”

“No. I’m a mess,” Sam cried reaching for some toilet paper to blow her nose with. “Look at me Lance! I’m a total wreck.”

“You are not,” he insisted as she sat back against the wall. “You’re just extremely nervous.”

“Why are you wasting your time on me?” she questioned as tears streamed down her cheeks. “It’s so obvious that I’m never going to be able to do this. I’m just not cut out for it. I don’t have what it takes.”

“Sam stop that!” Lance said sternly. “Look at me.” He placed a finger under her chin and locked his green eyes with the deep brown of hers. “Do you think I would have ever encouraged you to pursue this if I didn’t think you have what it takes? Do you honestly think I would put you up in front of those record company people if I weren’t absolutely positive that you were ready? You have to know that I love you too much to ever set you up for that kind of fall.”

“I know that you love me and I trust you with everything I am, but sometimes I worry that your love for me clouds your judgement and makes you a little biased,” she explained through her sniffles.

“Of course I’m biased,” he laughed. “But that doesn’t make you any less talented.”

“But how am I ever gonna be able to do this if this is what’s going to happen every time I get nervous? I can’t do this every day Lance. I feel like I’m losing my damn mind,” Sam confessed as her voice broke again and fresh tears spilled from her eyes.

“If you don’t want to do it anymore, and you really don’t want it, we’ll stop right now. But if you do want it…and I know you do,” he smiled at her. “Then we’ll find someway to get through this.”

“I really do want it. And you know how long it took me to finally admit that to myself, but I just don’t know how I can do it if I’m gonna fall apart all the time,” she sighed pitifully.

“Okay, first of all,” Lance started as he stood up at the sink and wet some paper towel in cold water. “You need to relax,” he said bending back down in front of her as he gently patted the cool paper against her face. “You have to take one thing at a time. Don’t worry about anything else, or what might happen down the road. Focus on tonight. And remember that the only reason this seems so difficult is because it’s the first big thing. It’s completely natural for you to be so nervous about something like this.”

“I know nerves are a part of the deal… but this nervous?”

“I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone else before.” Sam waited apprehensively for him to continue. “The first couple of performances I did with the guys, I was so nervous that I damn near passed out.”

“Really?”

“Really. Especially before the couple of showcases we did. They all knew each other and I was just this dorky kid from Mississippi who couldn’t dance for shit. I was scared out of my mind.”

“Yeah but I’m sure they were nervous too,” Sam reasoned.

“I’m sure they were but I doubt they were as bad off as I was. I mean think about it, Justin and JC had done the Mouse Club, Chris had performed in front of crowds of people at a theme park, Joey too, and besides, he’s just Joey, he wouldn’t know what to do if he didn’t have an audience,” Lance laughed. “But the only thing I had done was local choir stuff. I honestly thought I was gonna pass out.”

“So how’d you get through it?”

“I remembered why I was doing it in the first place.”

“Fame, money, and girls?” she cracked.

“Well that goes without saying,” he smirked. “But also because I loved it so much.”

“So basically you’re saying that I should just focus on how much I love singing and forget about all the rest of it?”

“Yes,” he said with a firm nod of his head. “Don’t get yourself all worked up over the details. Let me worry about that stuff. I just want you to go out there and have fun, because if you're not having fun, then there’s really no point.”

“Ya know, that’s so simple and yet it feels like it just may work,” Sam smiled. The first genuine smile he’d seen from her all day.

“So do you think you might be ready then? After we freshen you up a bit of course,” Lance teased as he stood and pulled her to her feet.

“I actually think I might be,” she said placing a hand over her stomach, her face showing surprise at her sudden level of calmness. “Damn you’re good.”

“I didn’t do anything any other manager wouldn’t do.”

“Oh, don’t give me that crap,” she scoffed. “Nobody knows exactly what to say to me the way that you do. I swear, I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.”

“I’m sure you’d manage fine,” he insisted. “But I’m never going to give you the chance to find out.”

“Promise?” Sam asked hopefully.

“Promise.” Lance assured as he kissed her forehead.

*****

The video cut to Carson and Sam as the crowd did their ritual screaming. “Alright, that was our neighbor P.Diddy and all his friends at number eight today and…”

“Hey Carson?” Sam interrupted, beginning the gag they’d planned during the video.

“Um, what it is Samantha?”

“I need to ask you something.”

“Well by all means, what can I help you with right here in the middle of this live broadcast?” he asked sarcastically.

“I’m the co-host today, right?” she continued, managing to keep a straight face.

“Yes, yes you are,” the VJ said shooting a look of confusion at the cameras.

“So that means that I have all the power that you normally have on the show?”

“I guess that would be the case. Why? What’s up? Are you thinking of firing someone that is getting on your nerves?” he laughed.

“No. I was actually thinking about bringing somebody up from outside. Can I do that?” Sam inquired with a smile as the crowd cheered, as if she didn’t already know the answer.

“Let me check with my director real quick and see what he says,” Carson replied, covering his ear with his hand so he could hear his earpiece clearly. “The director says it’s okay. Shall we head to the window then?” he suggested, motioning for her to go ahead of him.

“Let’s check it out,” she said glancing down at the crowd as they cheered loudly from the street below.

“What about those two guys right there with their shirts off? You like that?” he laughed pointing towards the pair.

“Actually, there were a couple of girls out there earlier that I saw when I first got here that I’m looking for,” Sam explained. “There they are, right there,” she said pointing them out to her co-host. “I couldn’t stop earlier and I felt really bad so I want to make it up to them.”

“Those two right there in the yellow and pink shirts?” Carson asked to be sure.

“Yes, those two,” she confirmed as she began motioning towards them.

“There we go, one of our staffers down there found them and we’ll get them up here during the break. So now can we get back the show?” he taunted Sam as they turned back to the cameras.

“I think that we should,” she giggled.

“Thank you. So as I was about to say a minute ago, we need to take a break and when we get back we’ve got more with Samantha Clark of course, and the rest of your top ten, coming up next.”

The producer gave the signal that they were off air and Carson and Sam headed back to the small waiting area where Michele was waiting to do touch-ups on her hair and makeup if necessary.

“He kissed you didn’t he?” she accused as she examined Sam’s makeup. Sam looked to Carson. “Not him, Lance,” Michele clarified. “He kissed you when he did his whole surprise thing, didn’t he?”

“Just a quick one,” Sam answered, laughing at her friend. “But I’m about to mess the lipstick up even more because I’m thirsty, so you might as well just wait,” she said sticking her tongue out at the blonde as she grabbed for a bottle of water.

“Speaking of Lance,” Carson began. “I have to tell you, it’s amazing how much you’ve calmed down since he showed up.”

“I know. It’s a little sickening isn’t it?” she smiled sweetly.

“A little bit,” he agreed with a laugh. “But anyone could see that it’s not some fake shit, ya know? Like a lot of this business can be. So that makes it a little less repulsive. It’s honestly there and real for you guys.”

“It really is,” Sam agreed. “As much as we disgust everyone, including ourselves sometimes, it just is.”

Chapter 4