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~ Oct. 14,2000 ~
I wanted to include this page in Jacob's web site.The most horrible thing a parent goes through is losing a child.I watched both my boys pass and they are 2 days that stand out in my mind.
My children were my whole world and at first when they passed I kept thinking if I only could have done things differently, then they would still be here.Although I know I did every thing I possibly could it is something I carry in the back of my mind.Watching my child pass and not being able to help him or save him was the worse feeling I've ever had,but I realize for reasons unknown to me, it was his day to go.
I do realize everything happens for a reason and although it does not seem fair most the time
,I am thankful that my son is not in any more pain and I am greatful for My daughter whom keeps me very busy, without her I am not sure where I would be.
Jacob had been sick the last 2 weeks of his life, so sick he could barely walk by his self, and the poor little guy could not even hold his head up he was constantly laying around, which was unusual as he was very active, being in heart and lung failure, this was expected. His death on the other hand was not expected so soon, we were told he had 6 months to 1 year to live unless he had a heart and lung transplant.He passed 2 weeks after we were told this.
The night before I should say, Zac's birthday Fri Oct 13, My husband and I stayed up till 1 am putting a race car set together for Jake.He layed in bed and watched us and smiled but did not have the energy to move.Upon leaving Jake's room my husband kissed Jake and told him good-night, and I sat down beside Jake.
I asked Jacob if he was feeling ok.Jacob at this time was recieving feedings through a tube in his belly as he had a very poor appetite due to the heart failure and also was recieving oxygen at night.I asked Jake if his heart was ok and he nodded yes, a habit I did frequently, I also asked him if his tummy was ok, he had been complaing of his tummy hurting,which we assumed was his inlarged liver from the heart failure.Jacob nodded yes and I kissed his head, told him I loved him,tucked him in and he quickly fell asleep.
Mother's instinct I guess but I stayed up till 3 am debating rather to take Jacob to his cardiologist 3 hours away,even asked my husband rather I should.Jacob appeared ok, breathing faster but his cardiologist was aware of this, but something just did not feel right to me.I was soo tired and did not know what to do.
My husband said I should wait till the next day and if I felt I needed to take Jacob to the hospital I would be rested for the drive.I peeked in on Jacob one last time that night he was sleeping well so decided I would wait and see what I thought the next day.
The next day rolled around quickly.Nana who lived next door at the time had to go to work and was at our house at 5 am, she gave Jacob his 5 am meds, he was on a lot of meds and recieved them all through the day and night.When she gave Jake his meds he was awake and restless and complained his tummy was hurting so she turned off his feeding.He immediately told her he wanted a drink so she got him a drink and jake appeared that he was going to go back to sleep.
Bout 9 am I had the most horrible dream, which I now call a vision.In this vision, I was kneeling beside Jacob in his room and we were both looking up at a white tunnel the light so bright, there were 2 figures at the end,Jacobs uncle and older brother who would be 5,Jacob looked at me kinda scared and I said "It's ok Jacob, they wont hurt you, you can go with them",Jacob smiled told me he loved me and was gone.
I woke up quickly scared and shaking, my husband went to Jake's room to give Jacob his 9 am meds.I walked by his room to get a drink and go back to my room for a min.,my husband said I could catch up on some sleep but I had an awkard feeling, as I walked back by Jake's room on the way to my room, we made eye contact for a minute, he was sitting up and very pale.
I sat down in my bed but was not going to sleep.My husband carried Jacob in the living room and put him down on the couch and went out of the room to get Jake's oxygen as he was still breathing rather hard.Jacob was sitting up and smiled at my husband as he left the room.
When my husband came back into the living room,I could hear from my room, My husband seen Jake laying down, he said "Jacob, oh no.", and I knew, i ran to the phone to dial 911 and see my son, whom was not breathing.My husband began cpr.
My husband must have done cpr for a minium of 20-30 min before the ambulance arrived, and when they did arrive cpr continued, but Jake was DOA (dead on arrival), my handicapped sister and our daughter was in a bedroom while this was taking place, both upset.
A helicopter landed in our neighbors field and took Jacob to a local Er 30 min away I drove there very quickly while my husband stayed here to watch our daughter and my handicapped sister.
I drove very quickly to the hospital, in fact dont remember much of the drive.Upon arriving, the two ladies whom drove the helicopter were outside the ER door smoking and you could tell they had been crying, I immediately knew Jacob was gone. As I went into see Jacob he looked so peaceful.My mom arrived no later than 10 min after I had been there.I remember the doctors talking to me but dont remember what was said except the words that stick out the most,"I'm sorry we could not bring him back and would you like to donate any organs".
I must have held Jacob for at least 2-3 hours and I just kissed him, told him I loved him and that I was so sorry.At the time I was sorry nobody could help him, nobody could bring him back.I was also sorry I did not take him to see his cardiologist even though I've been told there was nothing they would have been able to do.For many months I carried feelings of if I would have only take him to the cardiologist the night before when I had that feeling.
I felt that I was being rushed out of the hospital as I was told that 2 more trauma people were coming in, the nurse stated she could take Jacob to another room but she would rather I just release him and let him go to the funeral home.I learned this day, a mother and father should be able to stay with their child as long as they wanted, but by this time I decided to let him go.The hardest thing about this day for me was leaving that hospital room without my precious son.I wanted him to just wake up and come with me.
I was in a hurry to go home after I left there I wanted to be alone and go into Jacob's room.I drove fast there hoping to get pulled over to get a police escort to the hospital as it was football season and I knew that town would be crowded, but it did not happen, only on my way home when i was doing 5-8 miles over the speed limit did a cop pull me over,figures just my luck I thought.
I did not care I was trying to get my lience out and he seen me taking forever to get it out of my wallet, I told him just to go write me a ticket while I was still trying to get this lience out as i was so upset and shaking.I told him I just wanted to go home as my son just passed away.He quickly apologised and told me to drive careful and put my seatbelt on.
I remember some of my family, my mom (Na-Na),my sister, and then 1 of friends and 2 of my husbands friends were at our house the rest of the day although I do not remember any conversations and I just remember the rest of the day being blurry.I dont think I talked to anyone much and in between sobs while alone I continued to tell Jacob I was soo sorry I could not save him.
I am sure I may have left out some details of this day but as I said after Jacob passed I did not care what happened.I did remember that when Jacob first passed and was laying on the couch,it was cloudy outside except for this one sun ray that came through the window at a slant, the light was pretty and it happened to be on Jacob,almost like my dream earlier that morning.
I have wondered if that dream was a way for Jacob to tell me he loved me and good-bye.Maybe he wanted me to let him go so he could be in a place of no more pain and hurt.Looking back, I truely feel Jacob was saying good-bye.
This day still runs through my mind often, I think of what could I have done differently to save him, and also remember almost every detail of that day.I will always remember before Jacob took his last breath he smiled at his dad as his dad left the room for that oxygen,what a brave little boy he was.
The road ahead after Jacob's death has been a difficult one, I struggle with who I am and what am I suppose to do now every day,at times the only thing that keeps me going is Jacob's baby sister whom is almost 2 and very active, and although I miss Jacob like crazy, and would do anything to have him back, I am thankful he is in a happy place free of any pain, no child deserves all this pain.
It is said everything happens for a reason and I am still to this day wondering what this reason was, but at the same time am thankful I at least had some time with this wonderful little boy, I could not have asked for a better son than Jacob, he was so handsom and intelligent and so very loving.
Although this day was a very heart breaking one, I've chosen to add this day to my website to show how brave little Jacob was to smile before he took is last breath what a amazing child.A lot of older adults complain of illnesses they have, but if anything I have learned a child is more accepting of their illness, they dont wine about what is wrong with them and they are so brave and most very happy.
I think we could learn a lot from a child, most dont have a chance to live their life like adults do.Well this is the day that Jacob left us.Though it seems an ending for us a new beginning for Jacob, and it is helpful to know he is ok now,he dont have to endur any more painful heart caths or any more surgeries.Jacob hated the hospital, though he went in there and was brave he seemed so depressed and nervous.
If Jacob would have had that heart and lung transplant he would have stayed in the hospital for 6 months to 1 year !! Something I'm not sure if Jacob could have handeled.So now we are picking up the pieces and taking it day by day, but this day I will always remember.Jacob will always remain in our hearts.
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