My name is Nicole, I am twenty-three, and I have

loss a precious baby that I wanted so badly and did

everything possible to bring this special baby into

this world. I look back now and I think did I do all

I could have done. I cry when I think about what I

and my son went through. I think I should tell you

my story now. David and I got married in Decem-

ber of 1999. He has a daughter from a previ-

ous marriage and she is just the most special little

girl in this world. I had been dating my husband for

one and a half year before we got married. We grad-

uated from the same high school the same year. So

we knew each other already. So after we got married

I wanted my own child. I wanted a baby of my own to

bond with and have that motherly instinct I hear

about all the time and well I hoped and I prayed.

In Febuary 2000 I started to get sick, so I thought

I was pregnant but the thing was I had severe back

pain,nausea,vomiting,and fatigue. One day I got so

so ill that my husband took my step-daughter to the

doctor and while he did that my mother took me to

the hospital and there we found out I had 102 fever

and that was resolved to be a kidney infection. I

was so sick. They gave me antibiotics and Cipro

through I.V. and was given a prescription for Cipro.

I finished all my Cipro, I had no idea I was about

two months pregnant. I had complained to my mother

for days saying I was still sick and that I was

vomiting all the time and I can't keep anything

down, and so my mother straight forward as she is

told me to make an appointment with my ob/gyn. I

had been seeing my ob/gyn since I was thirteen for

a cyst on my ovary to shrink it. So I trust him.

So I made an appointment and I told my mother I was

going to the appointment and that David, my husband,

had to work the day I was going and if she could

take me. She said she would. The night before I my

appointment I had my mother called and she told me

she had a vision. Mind you my mother has these some-

times and so this time I didn't laugh. Although I

was skeptacle about what she was about to tell me.

She said,"Nicole I had a vision and you were in a

rocking chair dressed in blue and you are pregnant."

I was floored, I couldn't believe what she had just

told me. I was like okay mother. I didn't know what

to think. Couple of days before David went to his

father's house and his father told him how his step-

mother had a dream that I was pregnant with a boy.

Not only were those things so wild, I had my own

vision, not really a vision. Everyday when I layed

down, before we found out I was expecting, and be-

fore you enter sleep really good I would hear babies

crying. I would wake up and look around and go to

check on Angela,my step-daughter, and she was either

in school or with her mother. There was no one there

and it really baffled me. This happened everyday up

until I found out the truth. When we found out I

never heard the crying noise again. So the day of my

appointment, my mother was really different that day

she was so happy. We went in the back room and

Cheryl the nurse checked me out and I had already

given them a urine sample and she came back in and

said the reason why I was so sick besides the kidney

infection was because I was pregnant. They figured

I was about 8 weeks and when Cheryl said that my

mother jumped up and said YES I told you so. Her

happiness was not mine, when Cheryl told me this, it

was like a rainfall of dread that fell over me. I

just wanted to cry, I knew I would never give birth

to a baby that lived. I just wanted to cry a mount-

ain of tears. So I didn't cry, I didn't want to ruin

my mother's happy moment at the prospect of being a

grandmother. I was given pre-natal vitamins and my

mother and I were off to the store to buy maternity

outfits as I wouldn't fit into my clothing anymore.

So we looked for blue outfits and we found one. We

also purchased a shirt that said, "The pitter patter

of little feet." So with that I got maternity pants

and my mother told my when David came by to drop off

Angela from school for me to wear that shirt to sur-

prise him, and so I went and put it on. When he did

finally come I had the shirt and pants on and he saw

and was like 'for real'. The thing is I had no idea

what the road ahead of me was going to be like in

my pregnancy. To say the least I did not have your

average normal morning sickness. I was vomiting all

day and straight into the night. I vomited at least

20 to 30 times a day. Every room I went into I

vomited. If I stood the wrong way, bent over to tie

my shoes, laid wrong, or even to rub my growing

belly made me nauseated or worst vomit. I also had a

problem with spiting, it's called Pylisim, which I

carried around a spit cup for the vomiting and the

spitting. So I took up chewing gum since the spit-

ing condition means extra salivation, it got on my

nerves to do that so chewing gum worked better for

me. The only peace I got from both these illnesses

was when I slept. I became so sick one night that

David took me to the hospital because I called my

doctor and he wanted me to go to OBTriage and have

them hook me to an I.V. because I was so dehydrated.

I got there and they hooked my up to an I.V. and

I was given Phenergan through I.V., and anyone who

has taken that knows it puts you out. Not only was

I seriouly ill not knowing what was wrong with me,

but I had alot of stress going on that mounted the

situation. I look back now and I see all the stress

that contributed to me being sicker and I get mad

because that was stress that also may have contri-

buted to the loss of my child. I heard someone

say 'that when you become a mother you wear you

heart outside your heart outside yourbody', that

was true for me even though he did not live long

enough, I still wore it outside when I was

pregnant. I had alot of fears and I worried to

much. Well the next day or so I was admitted in the

hospital and deydrated again. This time I was in

for five days and during that time I was finally

told what I had. I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum, it

is severe vomiting and nausea. It is not very under-

stood because they don't know what causes it or how

treat it. That day I was only worried about two

thing's and it was the life of my child and myself,

I heard someone say 'that when you become a mother

she wear's her heart outside her body', that was so

true for me, even though he didn't live long enough.

I still wore it outside my body. When I heard what

my doctor said about Hyperemesis I was very scared

for me and the baby. When I vomited it felt like my

insides were jumping around inside and that the baby

would be apart of that jumping up to. He told me

that before I was discharged that a nurse from

Matria Homecare would be coming by to hook me up to

a Zofran pump. Zofran is what they use with Chemo-

therapy patients that were nauseated and vomiting.

So a nurse named Katherine came by and told me all

about Hyperemesis and what the pump would do for me.

The pump was to go into my leg, a artery and every

couple of hours the pump will automatically disperse

a certain amout of the medication into my blood

stream. It doesn't hurt either when it does so. She

showed me how to do it. I was suppose to change the

site after five days. It was a little needle that

she stuck into my leg and started the pump. It was

a small little device and all you could see was the

tubing and I could take a shower with it in a little

bag. I forgot two days before that my doctor wanted

me to have an ultrasound to figure out when David

was due, November 24, 2000. Yippee I was going to

have a baby around my mother's birthday, November

22nd. She was elated when I told her. She wanted

me to ask the doctor if we could have the baby

induced on her birthday, but he said that they don't

do that anymore unless the baby is in danger but I

know she prayed that he would come on her day. So

we finally went home and my grandmother was here for

Easter with my cousins and I showed her the ultra-

sound picture, but I was so sick still even though

I had the Zofran pump. I made it through Easter.

Mind you I never really was able to eat

because I vomited up everything I put into my

stomach. I would vomit up bile and then started

vomitng up blood and the insides of my stomach. I

would just rest my head on my arm around the toilet

and just watch the insides of my stomach swim around

the toilet. It was awful the smell of it just made

me sicker. So off to the hospital we go. I had the

Zofran pump in for about 4 days and then it was

taken out. When I went into the hospital that time

my doctor had went out of town and so I had gone

to his office and Cheryl saw how I was vomiting

and admitted me from the hospital. I can remember

like it was yesterday, it was so hard because I just

wanted the vomiting to stop so I could actually feed

my baby. So we got there and doctor that was there

for my doctor came after awile. His bedside manner

was off but one good thing he did that saved my and

the baby's life for awhile was that he called a

perinatologist from EVMS and that doctor came and

accessed me and figured that I needed a Central Line

Catheter or Total Parenteral Nutrition with a Picc

Line. I didn't know all this until my doctor came

back in town. During this time I still had the

Zofran pump in my leg, through this my husband

changed the medicine in my pump every morning before

he left to go to work. That was his thing to do, I

remember now I did it whenever he wasn't there but

he liked to do it. My doctor came back to town and

he came into my room at 4 in the morning and woke me

up and told me about the two procedures. I remember

being scared at hearing about these two. The Central

Line Catheter he explained to my husband and I, they

would insert a needle into my chest and then insert

a tube and that will help give nutrition to the baby

and myself as I could not. The Total Parenteral

Nutrition they would insert a needle into my arm a

then insert the tubing up my arm and over my heart

and they both would be in the main artery. The TPN

would drip into my bloodstream and then go to the

passageway to feed the baby. When he told me all

this I was scared and crying and begging him not to

let me or the baby die in the hospital. I was scared

of the needle going into my chest. So I opted for it

to go into my arm. The procedure was scheduled for

that day and well to say the least I made my husband

scared because when they came to get me to take me

downstairs they took the Zofran pump out and I was

crying because I was all by myself and my husband

was at work. Well they took me downstairs and I

waited there for awhile for the people to come get

me and take me back. The tecnician talked to me and

told me that it wouldn't take long and hurt. She

would be there for the whole thing. The doctor that

that would perform the procedure came and talked to

me, and after that they wheeled me to the room. This

was like the radiology room also since the procedure

needed the overhead device to looked through my arm

to where they would insert the picc line. The techs

put the big cover over me so it wouldn't hurt the

baby as they would turn on the radiology device.

The technician held my hand through it all. She

said that the doctor has done this many times and

well he is pretty good at it. He was, all I felt

was a little tug as he push the tube up my arm. I

will admit I did cry through it all, silently of

course, but I look back now and think that was easy

compared to the next time it would be put in. Well

she said all it would take was 10 minutes and it

did. As they were bandaging me up she came back in

and said that one of my family members was outside

waiting to see how I was doing, it was my husband

on his lunch break. He left before they brought me

out. I was taken back to my room and well I waited

a couple of hours for the TPN to come up from the

pharmacy. When they finally came in with my nutri-

tion bag I couldn't believe that when I went to the

bathroom I would have to drag along the pole with

a both the bags on it. What they had on the pole was

on bag that was at least 2300cc of yellow liquid

which was my nutrition and a bottle with white

liquid in it that was my lipids(the fat that is in

our foods that we need) which looked like creamy

milk. I would get a new bag at the same time every-

day and watch the nurses do this because when it was

time for me to go home then I would have to do it.

The day came when it was time for me to go home and

my doctor had made arrangements for home health

nurses to come at least once a week and check on my

vital signs, weight, my ketones(as I was vomiting

everyday and losing a lot of weight, to see if there

was protein in my urine),the baby's heartbeat, take

blood, and my well-being(how I was dealing with the

illness mentally). Which that was hard mentally, I

could not take a shower at all because the Picc line

could be easliy infected if I was to go in any water

so the days that I had energy I would bathe in the

sink. I didn't look like the normal pregnant woman

that you see around, I didn't have that glow or the

busting belly. It was terrible, I wan't to eat so

badly but I didn't crave anything, I was sad all the

time when your suppose to be happy, I would cry and

ask God 'Why me', though I know you shouldn't ask

God why he does things and so I learned to deal with

it. It was really hard going around people because

they would look at you strangely like you have a

problem and would ask questions like 'Can you eat

anything', 'Do you crave anything', 'Why don't you

get up and walk around', and 'Try and wash yourself'

I can't believe all the things people would say, I

didn't have any energy to do anything, brushing my

teeth was the hardest, because it would make me want

to vomit, so I would use a towel and wipe it over my

teeth, and brushing my hair just made me tired so I

looked really crazy but I wasn't I was just very ill

and people didn't understand that. David would just

sit there in the living room and would just stare as

Angela would be fascinated by the nurses pricking me

with their needles. I was so lonely at home and so

when the home health nurses came I perked up, I had

a favorite, Jody, she would always be real gentle

and not question me as to why I looked the same way

I did a couple of days ago. I started eating a

little bit of food which was very hard because I was

so scared, I sound like a baby whining like I do,

but you see I vomited so violently and I thought I

or the baby would die. I went into my doctors office

for my follow-up and I was informed I would have my

first real ultrasound in a couple of days, I was

excited, I wanted to know what the sex of my baby

was and he told me I would have to wait till I was

seven months pregnant as he would be able to see the

baby clearly. I was about four months pregnant. It

was astonishing to see my baby on the screen and we

went into the examining room for my doctor to tell

us about the ultrasound and well he told us I had

a lot of fluid, we asked if something would happen

to the baby and he said no. I came back to his

office when I was 21 weeks pregnant and he told me

that I should be over the Hyperemesis and that I

told him what I was trying to eat and that he said

around 20 to 22 weeks woman start to feel better, so

I was pumped up and I thought oh I would start feel-

ing better, and so he had Cheryl notify the home

health nurses to take the picc line out in a couple

of days. Jody came by with a student nurse that

happened to be 26 weeks pregnant and so they prepped

me and remeoved the picc line. My doctor had told me

that he was having it removed also becuase I could

become dependent upon it, which I think I had. So

she removed it, I thought it would hurt, but it

didn't. I had also become dependent on the nurses

coming by, and so when the picc line came out I was

sad again becuase I was all by myself again, though

I wasn't, I had the baby with me. When the TPN came

out it was in the middle of July, I should have kept

a diary, I'm taking all this from my memory. I was

in the hospital again in late July sick and not able

to hold anything down. I begged my doctor to have my

stomach checked out because I was in my 22nd week

and as I told you before he told me I should have

been finished with the HG by then. Well I wasn't, he

had a upper GI doctor come and look at me in the

hospital. That doctor ordered some test an ultra-

sound to be done on my gallbladder and endoscopic

surgery of my stomach. There was nothing wrong with

my sotmach, but there was sludge in my gallbladder

and possible stones. My doctor told me I would have

to have the picc line put in again. Well I didn't

cry about having it put in again, because I knew the

home health nurses would take care of me. Well the

day I had the picc line put in again, this time it

took longer and I felt every bit of it. The numbing

didn't work long enough, the doctor said my veins

had grown small and they had a hard time putting it

in, my doctor told me was that this time I had more

fat on my arms than the last time and that is why

they had a hard time. It took an hour to do, and I

cried the whole time, I might of made them nervous.

I just prayed for my baby that I wouldn't cry so

much that I would lose him. I was discharged on the

1st of August, these dates are important. The home

health nurses told me that with my TPN bag an the

hot weather outside I would get very sick and that's

what happened when I was discharged. My TPN bag I

carried(which was in a backpack, the same one I had

before) around and the pump to dispense the TPN into

my veins. When we left the hospital that day I it

felt like 100 degrees that day outside although it

was probably 98, and you know how it is when preg-

nant and the summer. Anyone who has ever visited or

lived on the Peninsula of Virginia knows that not

only is it hot but humid. I thought that would be my

last time in the hospital until I gave birth. I just

wanted to get into that air-conditioned apartment. I

think I was suffering from heat exhaustion not only

nauseated. We were stuck in traffic and I was hot.

I was told I had Iron Defieciency Anemia and Dave

had to go and get my iron from my doctor who had

samples for me. I couldn't take them because I was

to nauseated to swallow them. That was Wednesday,

August 2nd. Thursday, August 3rd, I went into his

office. I think I might of scared the other ladies

there that were also pregnant, as I told you I look-

ed very bad, this day I looked like a truck had run

over me. I was very sick and desperately wanting him

to do something. I had talked to Cheryl over the

phone several times that day and she told me to come

into the office. I went into the examining room and

Cheryl and my doctor followed, Dave was in the car,

my hormones were flying that day so he didn't go in

with me. I sat in the chair in front of them crying

and begging him to take the baby out and put my baby

on a respirator or some kind of device to keep him

alive. He said he couldn't that would be terminating

but I wasn't terminating, something was very wrong,

I hadn't felt this way before. He told me if I want-

ed that I would have to go up to MCV(Medical College

of Virginia), I trusted him so I didn't, I think

back now I should have. He asked me if I have any

antimeic in my bag, and I looked and said no, that

was the answer why I was so sick. The antimetic help

when I'm vomiting so much because it stops the

vomiting but not the nausea. So he told Cheryl to

contact the pharmacy at the hospital to bring me the

antimetic, Reglan, that didn't help, I wanted what

helped before, Zofran. Cheryl went and got Prozac

pill to punce holes in for me to suck on to help me

calm down. I was calmed very quickly, Dave was sur-

prised. The Reglan didn't work, I was the same way

and so my doctor had called my mother the night be-

fore and wanted me watched carefully so I went over

to Norfolk where my mother was taking care of my

sick cousin, my mother watched me closely and saw

that I did try to eat but everything came up. I also

tried to drink punch, water, watermelon, and it all

came back up. The baby was kicking me really hard

that day, I didn't realize maybe he was in distress.

We came back home on Satturday and I was still very

sick, the day before I threw up at least 30 times. I

had to check my glucose every morning because of the

TPN, I didn't have Diabetes, it said 39 DANGER CALL

DOCTOR, so when we got back to my mother's house I

did just that. He told me when I vomit like that my

glucose goes down so the pharmacist was sending

some glucose packs and the nurse would bring my

Zofran to go into the bag. I think now that it was

to late then. When the nurse gave me the Zofran I

started feeling better, wanting to drink nothing but

ice cold water. I was so hot that I was rubbing ice

packs all over myself. I had really bad heartburn,

that was worst than I usually had it. The nurse said

it was because the baby was moving, I think now it

was because the baby was dying. The doctor should

have admitted me being that I was sick, but he had

the nurse give me the Zofran. The next couple of

days went smoothly, the doctor wanted to me to stay

at my mother's being the fact that Dave was at work

everyday and I was at home all by myself, he didn't

get off work until late. So I thought my mother

should go with me to my doctor's appointment the day

of August 8th, I had een feeling better and I was

now showing like a pregnant woman in her sixth month

and so we went in. I told Cheryl that the night be-

fore was really bad with heartburn for two nights in

a row. I didn't feel the baby move on Sunday or Mon-

day(I thought something was wrong but I didn't know

I should have called my doctor when I didn't feel

him kicking anymore. I just couldn't wait to get to

the doctor that day since the home nurse wasn't

coming until later) and so she went and got the

doppler as I was excited my mother would hear her

grandchild's heartbeat that day for the first time.

She squirted the jelly over my abdomen and started

moving the doppler back and forth. She said she was

unable to find the baby's heartbeat and she went and

got another doppler and still couldn't find the

baby's heartbeat. She told my mother and I not to

worry and to stay calm, but I knew, my world had

crumbled. Dave wasn't even there and I wonder if he

was what he would have done. I prayed that my baby

was fine. She took us into the ultrasound room and

used that to find the baby's heartbeat, but there

was none, my doctor came in and tried but he con-

firmed my worst fears, my baby had died. At that

moment my mother and I started crying so did Cheryl.

I couldn't control it, I can remember sitting there

in the chair and just crying and Cheryl telling me

she was sorry my baby had died. I was told I would

have to go over to Labor and Delivery and a nurse

will be waiting for me. I just remember I looked so

much better that day, I was just dressed in all

white, my mother says I looked like an angel. Wow

what a conincidence, I'm crying now as I type this,

I looked like an angel the day I find out my prec-

ious son was confirmed dead. So I got up and was led

out of the room and this was the hardest, I had to

pass all the other woman up front that were pregnant

and when I saw them I couldn't keep myself together,

I just cried and couldn't stop. They all looked at

me and the nurses did to with the look on their

faces like 'Oh she loss her baby'. I walked outside

to the car and my brother went into the backseat

with me and I cried a pool of tears while my mother

drove us to the hospital crying. If Dave had been

with me that day I don't think he would have been

able to control his feelings either. We got to the

hospital and as my mother parked the car my brother,

Sean, stood with me outside and got me in the wheel-

chair as we saw a lady with her newborn baby and I

started crying again and my mother and Sean wheeled

me to where I was suppose to sign the papers for my

admittance. My mother got very irate with the lady

who had me sign the papers because she was not fully

aware to the fact that they were waiting for me up-

stairs and that my son was dead in me for days. So

she took us upstairs and a nurse was waiting for me,

as they wheeled me in she came to me and gave me a

big hug and told me that she was sorry my baby was

dead. As she gave my mother and Sean a hug too. I

told them to page David right away. So they got in

contact with him. As I was waiting for Dave to come

I had alreay changed into a hospital gown and the

nurse had asked me my religion and if I wanted a

Catholic priest to come by, I said yes. Father

McCarron came into the room and talked to me and

told me that my beautiful baby was in heaven safe in

the arms of the Lord. That he will never feel pain

and he is in a better place than here on earth where

there is so much pain. Although they were comforting

words, I just wanted my baby. David finally came and

they asked me if I wanted an autopsy, I said yes,

and if I wanted an epidural as I was going to be in-

duced with 400 mcg of Cytotec. They gave me Pherne-

gan and antibotics through I.V. which made me very

drowsy. My mother went home to change and then came

back, but I didn't know I was asleep. People were

coming in and out of my room. My mother called my

grandmother and best-friend, Joy, to let them know

of my son's death. If I wanted them to come up there

now. I woke up and started feeling contractions and

they gave me the epidural and woke up again and was

ready to push. I had already signed up for lamaze

but now I had to learn how to breath and push since

I hadn't started the classes yet. The doctor came in

and started me to push. My mother and nurse helped

me breath and know when to push at the contractions.

David was at my feet watching the baby come out. I

gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 2:58 a.m.

weighing 810 grams, 1 pound 13 ounces 13 inches long

and he had a yawn on his face. My husband and I

looked him over and he saw that the baby had the

most beautiful blue eyes. We named him David Alan

Jesus Savage, III, he is named after his father and

grandfather. I included the name Jesus in his name

because the Lord blessed us with a baby and I pro-

mised that if my baby was boy I would give him his

son's name. My son is multi-racial, I am bi-racial

with a mixture of African-American and Cuacassian

and my husband is a mixture of Philipino, Cuacass-

ian, and Spanish decent, because his mother is

multi-racial also. I had plans for my son, I was

going to teach him of his heritage on both sides and

to be proud of them both. My heart skipped 1 million

beats that day. Before I gave birth the priest gave

the Rights of Absolution. My doctor said that David

looked to be dead for several days. We had the au-

topsy done and my doctor said he didn't know why the

baby died, but the words in the autopsy report

didn't sound normal. Being that I'm Catholic I

didn't want him cremated so I wanted a proper Cath-

olic burial. We had a beautiful veiwing for him, the

funeral was beautiful and the funeral home did a

great job. He looked so beautiful with all his stuff

around him in the casket. David and I picked out the

most beautiful spray for his casket and a angel with

a music box on the bottom of the angel with its arms

spread out. It plays Amazing Grace. We are to take

it out there to his grave when we go there. The

priest sprinked holy water on his casket and David

carried his casket to place it in his grave. I threw

a flower on top of his casket and everyone else

followed. My bestfriend Joy and Grandmother were

there along with my mother to support me.

I have since gone to a new doctor, a perenatologist

in order to become pregnant again and to prevent the

sickness from returning and I took with me my medi-

cal records that I got from the hospital. My mother

and David went with me. I went to EVMS(Eastern Vir-

ginia Medical School) and the nurse and doctor came

in and the doctor this time is a woman. They took

down everything. All the research I read on Hyper-

emesis they say it comes back in subsequent preg-

nancies. The doctor told me maybe not, she also went

over the medical records and David's autopsy report.

She looked at the report on the placenta and she

said 'Well it looks like your son died from lack of

oxygen from the placenta due to dehydration from the

Hyperemesis' that is what she believe's to be what

happened. So I will be going to a new doctor to plan

on getting pregnant again. I'm waiting to be a

mother again and my mother is really waiting to be

a grandmother again. I plan to do everything differ-

ent this time around. I plan on seeking a doctor on

detoxing my body in order on having a healthy preg-

nancy. I hope the next time I will have a baby that

lives and when I hear my baby crying it will be the

most beautiful music I will ever hear. I love and

miss my son deeply, nothing can describe my pain on

how I'm feeling since I went through all that and

I still loss him. I go to his grave as much as

possible and I decorate his grave for the holidays

and his stuff animals. I believe in God and I know

that one day he will bless us with a child that will

live and bring happiness and joy to my life.

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