Somebody Is Missing You, Somebody Is Needing You, Somebody Is Crying For You! That Somebody, Is Me! For The Longest Time, I Didn't Think I Could Go On Without You
Why Did You Have To Leave Me, Why Did You Have To Go? Why Did You Do It? 11 Years Later and I'm still missing you. 11 years later and I still blame myself. What if Joey? What IF?
Joseph W. Ellison
~Joey~
Nov. 22, 1971 ~ Aug. 14, 1998
We now return our souls to the creator, as we stand on the edge of eternal darkness. Let our chant fill the void in order that others may know. In the land of the night, the ship of the sun is drawn by the Grateful Dead
I Miss You More Then Words Can Tell
This was my best friend for many years. We were always together. We laughed, we cried together. We witnessed life, we witnessed death together. Joey was with me when I went through some hard times. He was a friend that I thought I would grow old with. We'd always talk about the future and how we'd sit back in our rocking chairs and watch the grandkids play. We always said we'd be together to the end. This is why I feel him, I see him. I use to hear his voice clear but it's faded yet he still talks to me in my dreams. He was great with my children. He only knew the oldest two. Tymm is now age 20 and Sabastyon is 18. He helped raise them as if they were his own. He loved them so much, they loved him. The memory of Joey has faded a great deal with them. Makes me sad but I know Joey is with them and guides us all, I know it. My best friend took his life on Aug. 14th 1998 soon after I had met my soulmate and now husband Andy. I use to work in the promotions business here in Tempe Arizona from 8/95 until Joey took his life in 8/98. I ran a "hotline" a broadcast if you will. It was called Moonlit Gatherings. Many knew it. I was "the voice" updated everyday to thousands of callers each week. I had announced that I was with child on one beautiful proud morning. I was having a baby girl! That night Joey called the hotline and left a message. He and I hadn't spoken to each other much since I had met Andy. He moved a couple hours away to stay with his mom in Tucson. We just needed time apart from each other but I wish I never made him go. This was my mistake number one. He heard the news from calling the hotline. It was an 800 number and I knew he was calling each day and checking in. He wasn't leaving messages but the voicemail system kept logs so I knew how many times he'd call and I knew he was calling in. I guess in a way I made that announcement so he would know. That was my mistake number two. That day that I made the announcement, when he left the message, he asked me to call him. I didn't call him. Now this was the very first message he had left me in about 6 months mind you. I didn't call him right back. This was my third strike, my mistake number three. I was having issues with the baby that night and was in and out of the hospital and put on bedrest with a nurse on call. It was crazy times. I had lots going on and I had to keep this baby girl alive inside me. Again, I didn't return his call. He hung himself that night in his carport or the early hours of the next morning... I am to blame. I'm not sure what time he did it but I'm willing to bet my life it was around 2:22am because it's my favorite number and his cousin that was at a party that night with him said Joey was acting fine but he kept asking what time it was and said he needed to go do something so he left the party. His cousin asked him if he wanted a ride but Joey just ran. He just ran home. Ya know, there's lots of questions I have but I just don't know if I want to hear the answers that I already know. It's hard to explain. He didn't leave a note at the time of his death that I'm aware of but he did leave a journal and it's all about ME! I never read it but I've been told. I never would read it. Never would even touch it. I have no idea who even has it. I'm ready to read it now but I forgot the guys name that Joey gave it to to give to me so if you are that person, contact me right away. I will kindly pay you for your time and for keeping it from or for me. It's time now. In fact that's a big crazy story all in its own. I can't even begin to tell you about the hellish days and evenings I went through. My doctors wanted to put me in the hospital just to keep me from stress and I ended up at the viewing to see my best friend in a fucking box! I guess I shouldn't get into the things that his mother and step father and cousin said to me and showed me. It was... forget it. I'm writing a book. You can buy it someday and read all about it if you please. His suicide has destroyed my life for years, forever it will haunt me! My life has never been the same. Never will. I don't smile the same, I don't sing the same, I don't look the same, I don't dance the same, I don't live the same, I don't even think the same as I use to and I trust very few to get close to my heart. I accept the fact that I had a lot to do with this mess. I blame myself EVERY single day and it's 11 years later. It just turned 2011 today. I STILL BLAME MYSELF! I still beat myself up. I couldn't even stop thinking about him on NYE. I'm not looking for pity or somebody to say it wasn't my fault so please don't. Won't work. Countless people have tried, trust me. I decided to try very hard this year to forgive him because my heart hurts so bad. I need to forgive him and let him go because I honestly don't think I have let him go or forgave him fully.
His death is by far, the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. The death of my best friend
"You Can Check Out Any Time You'd Like, But You Can Never Leave"
I Love You My Brother, I Miss You More Then Words Can Tell
I'm Sorry Joey
~Forever in my heart~
We were suppose to be a team. We were suppose to grow old together. You always said I was your BEST FRIEND. Hey Joey ~ I always say you are mine! When you get confused just listen to the music play.... you use to say that to me all the time. So tell me, why didn't YOU just listen to the music play?
Taking your life is the most selfish thing anybody can do!
~<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>~
If you're currently experiencing suicidal thoughts and have come across this site in your search for support and information on practical avenues for coping with thoughts of suicide, there's help just around the corner anywhere in the USA. Speak directly with a crisis counselor at the following toll-free telephone number: 1-800-784-2433 which is easy to remember as (1-800-SUICIDE)
From Time To Time When I Feel Alone & Sad, I Write Things Down & It's Like A Note To Joe... So You Don't Have to Read This... It's Just My Feelings To Him... and may not be nice kind words so please, if you do read on, understand that I'm not unkind but it's words of sadness as he was always by my side.
~ Why did you leave us? Why Joe why? We Will Get By, We Will Survive
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1/1/11 Joey, it's a new year. So many roads behind us. My memories of you are still clear. Nothing much has faded. I only wish I had recordings of your voice. It's the only thing I seem to forget. Don't let that happen. Please make it that either someone contacts me or something. Maybe I should go see your mom and get what was ours together? I just... I just can't do it yet. I'll try. I'll go see Steff and see what she thinks. Maybe she'll call your pops or sister for me to feel it out. I was with great friends last night and oh, I found James! He IS alive! Jessie is too!! I even saw little Eric last week. Bless :) we're all coming together for some reason. I fear 2012! The vibe of the tribes is getting stronger. The leaders are reuniting. We all feel it. I had a dream this morning that maybe I need to forgive you and then my heart will heal. Maybe I'm keeping you from something higher by not forgiving you? 11 years later... this will be my goal this year. I'll work on it. It's easy to just say I forgive you but I haven't really. I don't even know how or how to begin the process but I'll figure it out. My heart has such bad pains. I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack or maybe it will just stop working someday because your suicide crushed it. I need help Joey. If you forgive me, I can forgive you. Visit me in my dream and help me out. I love you, I miss you and I wish you were here. Oh and.. I know you brought James to me. He lets me talk about you. He listens to me cry. He doesn't freak out or run away like every other person so far. I needed someone to listen that knew us Joey. Thank you. I love you so much. Dream tree... stat!
11/22/10 Happy bornday to my best friend that ever lived. May he raise you up upon eagles wings. Rest now Joey. I love you for always and ever infinity. Visit soon? I miss you Joey <3 I wish i can look in your eyes. I'm so sorry Joey. Forgive me
8/26/10 Today is my 4oth birthday. You and I talked about when we would turn 40. Thanks Joey. Hurts so bad. I think I'm taking a few steps back now from the scene. Something I never have done. I'm letting people too close to my heart. I refuse to get hurt. My wish is... to hear your voice and see your face. I wish i had recordings of your old band or your songs Joey. Can you make that my way please? I'm ready and I deserve what you throw at me. Should I contact your mom? It worries me what she will say or do to me. I know they blame me for your suicide. Shit, I blame me. I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me most. Please forgive me and let me go so my heart heals. Please Joey. It's just been so long since I felt so good inside.
6/12/10 I miss you Joey. I wish I can hear your voice. Will you come visit me? My heart hurts. WHY WON'T THIS PAIN GO AWAY? They say it gets easier? WHEN? You took your life from me in 1998.. when will the pain end Joey? You're killing me slowly. You didn't love me. If you really loved me you would still be by my side and ALIVE! Selfish ass. I hate loving you and i hate remembering you and I really wish i never met you. Where would I be today if you didn't destroy my life by taking yours away? When you get confused just listen to the music play you would always say. I'm listening Joey... I'm listening!
1/2/10 Every New Years I think of you and toast to you. Spent the night up in Flag. Heard Ticket play for New Years. I miss you. I wish you would of not been an ass and just met Andy. We'd all be happy together. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry I didn't return your call Joe. I'll never forget. I love you so much. Why Joe? Give me another sign. Make this a better year for us
11/09
Your birth month should be a time to be happy but I wish you were never born so i would have never of met you. My life would of went a different direction had you not killed yourself. So what? I didn't return your fucking call so your stupid ass hangs himself. JESUS! Will the pain EVER end? This just sucks Joey. I hear people talking behind my back once in awhile about you. They didn't even know you. You screw Janet so she thinks she knew you. Nobody knew you better than me. I knew the secrets. I knew it. Are they to blame for your death? Do they hurt inside? Makes me so pissed to hear people say they "loved" you too. Fuck them. Where were they? They aren't around when I want to talk so badly about us. They coward and clam up. If they loved you and they loved me they would be here for me. My all time favorite is "you need to get over it Sunshine" YA FUCKING THINK ASSHOLES? Do people think I don't want to get over this pain you have caused me Joey? You and i were together night & day. Joey & Sunshine. Not one without the other and if that was the case the other wouldn't be far behind or home watching Tymm & Sabastyon if Annette wasn't. We were a team Joey. You said we were. You said no matter what we would always be together. We'd always,, ALways be best friends. We always talked about how "they" were. If I only had the heart to tell "them" how you really felt about "them" but why hurt somebody just because I'm hurting. I'll take our secrets to my grave. I miss you old friend. How's it looking from up there? Keeping an eye on me or are you still a lost soul floating around because you took the selfish way to death? I love you. It hurts still so bad. Happy birthday. I made a wish for you. Come visit me tonight in my dreams? I'm so sorry Joe
1/1/09 It's a new year... will my heart stop hurting for your stupid ass this year? I miss you. I love you & I hate you for ruining my life.
8/2/08
Hate this time of year.. Jerry's death month, your death month and my dads birthday always bumms me out. I wonder if you guys have met and share stories about me? I wonder if you guys watch over me?
5/11/08
Crazy.. I thought I saw you today. I'm going crazy. The guy kept looking at me. Is it you? ahhh man Joe. Your such a jerkoff. My heart still hurts for you. Why did you do this to me? If I called you back... if only I called you back.
3/20/08 Hey Joey... can you see Kenny from way up there? I found just about every old friend in AZ but him. I need to see him. I need to hug him. Can you help bring us together please? So Joe... I had some great dream about you last night. I woke up and it seemed so real... so clear. I wanted to go back to sleep so I can be with you in that dream but I couldn't find you. I think I saw Kara the other day. I'm almost sure of it. I wonder if your suicide hurt her or was she just a dream? I miss you buddy. Visit soon?
I love you baby. I wish I can just hold you. Will I ever get to see you? Is there life after death? Do you see me cry for you? Am I supposed to forgive you for ruining my life? Should I be as selfish as you were? I wish I can dance beside you again. I wish I can hold your hand. Man I really wish I can hold your hand. I wish I could kick you in your ass. I wish I can throw water balloons at you or go ride a horse with you or sit in a hammock and climb a tree with you. I wish I can touch your face or look in your beautiful eyes. I wish I can watch you draw again. I wish I can hear you sing me a song and help you write another song. I wish I can fight with you. I wish I can look you in the eyes and tell you how much I adored you. I wish I can tell you again how proud I was of you. I wish I can cry in your arms and assure you that everything’s gonna be alright Joey. I wish i can lay next to you under the stars. Man bro... I can't... I can't handle it sometimes. SO MANY YEARS have gone by SO MANY ROADS and it still feels like you JUST LEFT ME! I'll never let anybody get as close to me as you were outside Andy & the kids. Hurts so bad when alone. Hurts so bad when alone. I feel alone. I hate to be alone, you know that. Hope this pain in my head will go away then I'll bust out the drum. Will I see you on the trip? Hope so ;) Joey, I'm sorry I didn’t return your call.
3/3/08
Finding it harder to be in AZ then I thought it would be. Everything reminds me of you. It makes me smile yet makes me want to crawl up in a ball and die. Nate and Tony started up the old bluegrass band again. I see Nate all the time. He's so kind, so true. Only bad thing is.. he reminds me of you since we were all friends, the crew. I freaking lost it and cryed to him last night. I'm so lame. Why is it so hard lately Joe? Are you messing with me or something? It's hard enough on my head. Hey Joey... go easy on me old friend. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. If I called you back would you still be here today or would you still of done it?
3/1/07 You know what's weird Joe? I hear people talking about you... about 'us' but when I walk up to the people talking they stop. I want to talk about you Joe. I want to talk about us. I want to talk about our times. I want to have that memory. I think Bern can't be around me because he thinks of you when he sees me. That's what he said anyway. I want him to see you. I want him to see us. I want to talk about you to our friends Joe. Man... I really think I need a break from these people. I think it's time to roll (again) but I can't keep running. My insides feel empty and my heart is broken. Everywhere I go I think of YOU. I drove to our old apartment downtown Tempe and sat in the parking lot and cried my eyes out. Am I crazy? Will the pain ever leave? I want to go see your mom yet I don't want to go see her because I don't want to see the house that you killed yourself in. My head hurts so bad. You know Joey, when I moved out of Arizona your suicide was easier to deal with in a weird way but now the memories are way too real being back home. I want people to talk about you but I can't handle it at all. I'm so screwed! Dan came into the room last night and saw me wipe my tears away and he said... thinking about Joey mom? I just grabbed him and held him tight. I love you Joe. I wish you just moved away. That way iId see you again. Fuck me for not returning your call. I love you asshole.
2/22/08
It's hard to see old friends sometimes. I have to explain what you did. Ran into an old Bro from Bostons. Jay from NJ. He asked where you were. I almost died when he asked me where you were. I just started to crumble and ran into the bathroom and lost it. He had no idea. He felt bad I think. He said he always liked you. Hey Joe... so did I... you know? Joey, could I of stopped you from doing it this last time? If i could have, would you of tried again? Sometimes I wish i never met you. I was dealt the wrong card. I'm the blame Joey. I'm the blame. I see it in people’s eyes when they talk about us. I know people blame me for you. Sometimes I want to die but I’m not selfish like you. I wouldn’t ruin people’s lives. I could of stopped you again. I should of called you back. I freaking love you Joey. I miss you so much. My heart bleeds. All these years and my heart still bleed. Thanks for that~ good grief!
1/1/08 wow my New Years sucked! I love you Joey. Visit?
11/22/07
It's your born day, your birthday. Hope ur happy. You ruined my happiness. I can't even think today. I think it's getting harder to be here because every place I go I see us at. Man Joe... why did you do this to me? I thought about making a trip to see your drunken mom. I hear your dad all messed up. You messed us all up I guess. I want what I feel is rightfully mine. I want your drum and I want your art books and i want your books and I WANT YOU! I hate you Joey. I hate loving you. i hate missing you. i hate thinking about you! You’re a jerkoff.
10/30/07 Well, I'm home in AZ. Good Grief! I miss Paul so much. He was the only other person I called my best friend besides you. In a way he took over your spot. He listened to my stories. He's one of the few that would talk about your death with me. Others feel weird for some strange reason. Watch over Paul for me Joey, keep him safe. Things here are good in AZ I guess... rather be with you. Rather be in California with friends. Lots of clicks within the Az scene but I know who’s who and what’s up. Just need to stand back and figure out the game they play. Rasta right though, I stick with my own. I just can’t find anybody. I heard James and Jessie are dead. Hope it’s not true. Where’s Kenny? I can’t find our old friends. I fucked up by leaving here didn’t I? Music scene is a mess so I started the lightline after all these years gone by after shutting it down when you freaking hung yourself. It was hard to get it going at first. I think of you more now. I miss you so much. I'm happy to have the lightline back up and get respect from most. Broadcasting live once again. I'm planning a festival... but without you by my side is hurting me deeply. Should I stop? Help me Joey. I love you and I miss you dearly. Joey, are you there?
10/10/07
Well we decided to stick around AZ after Tymm and Sabastyon asked us to. We’re looking for a house to rent but money is close to running out. Very stressed out at this point. We just got word that our house in Indiana got rented. Give Thanks. Wanted to sell it but renting it out is better. I miss you Joey. I love you much.
9/27/07
Kicking it with the Rasta’s in San Diego. We've been here for three weeks or so. I met my soul sister. She's a Rasta... as if she'd be any other. Thank you for bringing her to me Joey. I told her all about you and what had happened. I know i was meant to meet her and her friends as we are now family. We have to head to AZ for Sabastyon's birthday but headed back to northern Cali for harvest. I love you. I miss you.
8/26/07
I'm still in Fort Bragg California. We've been living in the camper for almost two months! It's been great. Some things were hard on us but mostly good. For the past 3 1/2 weeks we've been living at this amazing campground in the BIG HUGE REDWOOD TREES at a FREE campground none the less. We have to move to another campground soon. It's amazing up here. Only drawback is no electric and no water. Great thing is... 8 minute drive down to town... the OCEAN! We've been watching the dolphins. Pretty cool. Very amazing. I feel so good. We had to drop Buddha off at the airport so he can get back to Indiana for school. It's been three weeks without him. Makes me sad. He's a good good friend. Kids keep crying for him. I hate to say good-bye to him but i know we'll be with him again someday. It was getting hard... wasn't much room for ALL of us in the truck with the three dogs and cat. Everybody is well. It's my birthday. I miss you as i sit here watching the sunset into the ocean.. tears flowing. Man bro... if I can only turn back the time and returned you fucking call. Will I ever get over this? Jah help me move on and heal the pain in my heart
8/14/07
This is your day... well the day you destroyed my life! You left me on this day many years ago and it still hurts and haunts and cuts like a knife. You should of just taken me with you instead of kill me softly and slowly like this. I hate you but I love you. I miss you. Hope your happy now. You see me cry Joey? I'm sitting in a Red Wood Tree typing on my laptop and crying for you. Asshole! Fuck this day, your death day. WHY???? W HY??? WHY??????
7/13/07
Well we are off again. Dropped off Sammy with T along with the desert tortoises. Stressed about leaving the animals and mainly my plants because I'm afraid the plants will die at my sisters. i love my plants. ok so the plan is... head WEST! It's Me Andy Kaya Dan Buddha 3 dogs the kitty (Mr. Nice Guy) driving the truck pulling the camper with the kayaks on the roof. Quite the sight we are. We have our aps in at many Cali music festivals and street fairs... even some surfing festival in Ventura. Soul Sister is on the road again. Can't wait to jump in the ocean. I love you Joe. I miss you! Do you see me? Come visit?
7/9/07
Well we’re in New Mexico. We stopped and camped a couple days. No rush to get to Arizona as it's 118 there today and we don't know what to do once we are there. I’ve been doing some alone time driving the minivan with two of the four dogs and all my plants. Andy Kaya Dan and Buddha are in the truck pulling the camper with the kayaks on top. Fully loaded. It's a sight fer sure. We hit some bad weather and was forced to get a room so here we are. Working on writing my book. Thinking of you as always. I look at these red mountains and wish you were here by my side. I miss you my friend, my brother. I wish I can call you and hear your voice. Guide me Joey. I love you!
7/4/07
4th of July... JOEY... pulling out. all packed up and ready to roll. My buddy Buddha is coming with us to AZ. Oh man I am so happy but stressed about the drive. I hope the animals will be ok... and all my plants. Guide us. Love you and miss you.
1/10/07
I love you Joey. I can't stand my life here in Indiana. My mother in law is so rude to me, I don’t even know is she realizes it... she makes me feel so low that I want to die sometimes. Help me Joey. I need to get out of this place. I need to get home to Arizona. I just want to take my Midwest friends with me. I hate to hate. I need to get out of this screwed up town before I end up in jail for losing my shit on this bitch neighbor Stacy. Can’t stand her always snooping and watching us
3/31/04
~ Signs, Signs, Everywhere Are Signs This may sound weird but.... I was standing in my kitchen with Mindy & Kristy that stopped by to stay hi… I looked at my refrigerator and there was 3 letters eoj ~ I asked Kaya if she did that, and she said yes. She just stuck them up there like that, she’s 5 ~ She only used those 3 letters and all the other letters were on the floor. I think my sign from you has FINALLY came. When u killed urself, I was pregnant with Kaya, so i like to think ur with her and part of her. I've been studying suicide for several years now. Looking for the answers I need in order to be at peace with ur untimely death. Searching in books of afterlife, life after death type stuff, meditations, different religion believes in suicide, I also started to dabble a bit into witchcraft… in which I sent a “letter” to Joe, and Andy and I went to the river and “mailed” it by sending it down the river ( I started to do some chants and other things that really tripped me out when I realized that I have some strong energy ) Maybe u just got mail… I don’t know… but I do know what is on my refrigerator… that’s enough for me to believe it IS a sign that possibly u did indeed make it through the gates of heaven. That happens to be my biggest question in regards to ur suicide. Today is March 31, 2004 and this is my first official sign from Joe.
3/6/03 ~ Still my heart is grieving ~ Missing you more and more every day ~ Do you see me cry for you? Oh Joe, what did you do?
(8/14/03) Still hurting... today is the day you decided to end your life many moons ago. Hard to believe it's been so many years and your death still affects me. People tell me "it will get easier Sunshine" Yea... when is this suppose to happen? NEVER because he screwed up my head so bad. Just one thing to say really... he destroyed my life by taking his away. I wonder if he can see me cry.. Thanks Joe! What a wonderful friend you are.. or were! ~Sunshine (on a cloudy day~wishing Joe would fall outta the sky and say something stupid to make me smile ;(
9/5/03 Eli's Mom Passed Away :O( ***I wanted to write this down because it’s an emotional day and I feel better typing it. I’m headed to a fall Harvest Jam in Ohio in an hour or so but had to write this down. Joe you are on my mind! You bastard!*** My thoughts on this day Joe…Today has been a hard day. Eli’s (our friend) mom died on Labor Day (a few days ago) from a long painful battle with breast cancer :( and she was laid to rest today. I’ve been fighting the emotions all week and have been a basket case because I was stressed out so bad. I can’t deal with death well. Our dog Matthias got hit by a car last October and I was a mess for months. Other than that, you.. Joe, were the last death I had to deal with. Your passing is different because you decided to ruin others lives by killing yourself. You can’t handle everyday life so you take the easy way out and destroy my whole life. I can’t do much without you popping into my head. Your life shines through my artwork. It's like I can keep you alive through my art. I miss you so much Joey, but still hate you for this! Why on earth did you do this to me? I can't hold you any longer, I only have this fucking page and few pictures. I’ll never know. Why wouldn't you just wait for the call back? Would you still be here? I loved you Joey
You Would Always Say "When You Get Confused Just Listen To The Music Play Sunshine" Well Joe, Did YOU Listen To The Music Play That Night? I Wish I Would Of Called You Back, If Only I Would Of Known
We Will Get By, We Will Survive! JOEY, THE MUSIC NEVER STOPPED ~My Brother~ THE MUSIC NEVER.. FUCKING.. STOPPED! It's Just Playing A Different Tune Now
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