November 26, 2002

1. He says I will have to wait at least 11 months more to actually have the cysts surgically removed and am just stuck looking diseased until then
2. He basically said "I don't know what else to do" except......oh you'll love it....put me on accutane AGAIN starting @ 80 mg in a couple months. Guess how wretched that makes me feel?
3. I also just feel plain UGLY. and tired. ugly, tired, and I can't seem to stop crying. all this....all this and I am back to square one.

I am back to square one but without the option of removing them BECAUSE of the accutane, and the only real option being accutane again. It's like a vicious circle nightmare. It's like accutane just keeps putting me thru the wringer. Like it's my pimp and I have to keep going back to it although it is only full of empty promises and pain for me. what is this? I also can't stand being so ugly without my makeup on for ronnie. He deserves so much better *sniff* I don't care what he sees, I am a mess and I almost want him to just look at me and tell me how shitty I look...just lay it on...just dish it out on me so I can stop feeling like we're playing this big dumb game of pretending. I love him so much but I feel so disgusting that I don't want him to love me back. But I don't want him to leave either. I just want to look beautiful, not the delusion he sees, for him in reality and it's getting to the point where I don't know how much longer I can let this go on. I just got done with a crying jag that lasted about an hour and made me seriously contemplate what suicide would be like. I mean that's what this is doing to me. I know it's weak, I know it's retarded as hell. But do you know how exhausting it is not to be able to do the things normal people do? To feel dirty and gross and undesirable and like you are being had by anyone who does like you when you look in the mirror and see what I see? I can't even wash my chin without being in excruciating pain half the time, and all the doctors have to offer is that I either have to "live with it" or go thru hell again? Right. The future's so bright in my world I really do have to wear shades. Good luck to me cuz I sure feel like hell right now. Happy Thanksgiving.

December 17, 2002

Anyhow, I am at home for the covetted Christmas Break for about a month now until classes start again on the 8th, and my B-day is in 4 days. Alllllways appreciated that little coincidence of being born so close to Jesus and things, gee thanks mom. hehee. I went and saw Helms again here at home yesterday, seeing as how I am always ready to have my face checked out whenever time permits. Been ages since I've seen old Weingold in J-town, that crazy Jew. You can probably guess how things went yesterday; if you recall I had two large cysts that looked like they were just sitting on my skin since the edges were really defined (I miss the days of the lumps just smoothing into my skin on the sides where they ended, oh well). He took care of the one on the right last time by lancing it, and it is a lot better than it was before, but it's not flat: it kind of healed like a small lump/disc with a little sunken line in it where he lanced (we refer to him cordially in private as "Sir Lance a lot"), but the overall size of that now is about the diameter of my little finger. Still hatin' the profile since these things seem to define the lines of my jaw on both sides....it makes me want to puke, only be seen in certain lighting, and not let anyone important see me from the side. Ronnie took a picture of me when we were messing around with my digital camera the other night profile-wise from that side, and the lighting made it look just horrible enough that I proceeded to delete the picture as soon as possible. You probably know the feeling?

As for the other more longish lima bean shaped one on the other side on my jaw line, he lanced that yesterday and I am sure it will at least be flatter in the long run. But what really hurts (besides the needles and squeezing and numbing procedures) is that they actually get it flat, I mean it was flat after they did it....and then it heals and lumps up again....not just swelling, just like it can't fucking get smooth....it WON'T, really. I bet it could, but it wants to make me suffer. So I am trying to let that heal, and I am gonna use Mederma on it when it heals enough to try and reduce the appearance of scarring like on the other one. I am not too depressed right now, but I figure I'm all cried out for awhile; deep down I know someday they will be gone, be it thru plastic surgery, cyst removal, more accutane, etc, but right now I dunno. It just seems like someone my age shouldn't have to worry about this stuff.....I mean I get it...I am so happy, but this just keeps dragging me down. I would give almost anything to look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. I don't feel worthy of meeting Ronnie's friends because I feel like secretly they will laugh inside and wonder why he didn't try for better. Everything is ridiculous in my head...I wish it would just go away! I just want to be happy!!!!!! Grrr and stuff. I know--inner beauty blah blah....but geez is it too much to ask for outer beauty a bit too? It's been like exactly 6 months since this all started, btw......anyhow, happy holidays to us... *bye bye*

February 19, 2003

Well well, here we are again. Perhaps you thought I died? LOL, not quite....but Valentine's Day wasn't as wonderful as it was expected to be. No no, I am still together with Ronnie and love him for his big squishy good heart, but certain events (my horrible competitive nature/temper at board games *cough cough*) among some others made the mood a little shaky. Nevertheless.....he is the sweetest dude and stuff! Yes, that was supposed to sound vague and vapid, thanks. Anyhow, guess what he got me? A star! He bought me a star near Denube wherever that is (the star chart included just did not help me!!!) If anyone knows if this is close to the Big Dipper, holla at me. He also got me a gold, diamond studded heart ring....it's so beautiful. I feel unworthy sometimes. But that was really nice.....I ended up making him a heart-shaped box full of puzzle pieces from a heartfelt letter I made him in Photoshop and then cut into puzzle peices (found a pattern to overlay online) with my Exacto knife (I mixed the pieces with Hershey Kisses and hearts...."kisses and love!"). Hooray.

As far as my health, well kids that's a sad story. Currently I am suffering from a lingering right eye infection that just won't fully go away. At first I used those drops again that cured it last fall, and then it came back a week later....figured I just hadn't used them long enough. Now I have been using it for the last couple weeks, and it went away and is slightly coming back again while I am still treating them. I don't understand. My private girly areas are also very sensitive and part is even torn. Imagine the disgrace and pain....ronnie feels my pain though. It's like my skin is still all messed up and sensitive....my immune systme seems to be shot. I hope the Prednisone or Accutane didn't destroy it. I wore new sandals the other day that scraped the top of my feet up some; you know, typical breaking-in-shoes wounds, and then one of the healing scrapes got infected! I had to smother it in hydrogen peroxide to no end, and it finally went away.....but I have also been going through bouts of canker sores in weird places like my throat and tongue, dry skin, bits of peely scalp/dandruff, peeling fingernails like crazy...just bought a "professional solution" (hey that's what it says on the bottle!) for that at Walmart, and multiple teeny zits around my eyebrows, eyebrow follicles, and even on the ducts on the bottom part of my eyelid which really hurt. What the hell? Oh don't worry, I am sure it has to do with the meds....but what am I gonna do? Lately I have been depressed....like just feeling crappy and cry-ish, pretty much for no reason....it doesn't seem like annoyances with ronnie and lots of tests would be doing that to me, but who knows. So I just connected the two when Kellie reminded me about the Accutane yesterday. Yay. but I have no definite proof. I just hope I am better until summer which is actually only in a few months....I can't believe how far along I am already in this school year. I have a Printing fieldtrip to Memphis and the Quebeco plant tomorrow, so excited I can, honestly, barely breath, ugh, and I am going to Clarksville this weekend to see my long lost mommy and daddy (I shall call them that till I die!). That's about all, though....Nothing too exciting here. Hope everyone's OK...and thanks everyone for such sweet G/B signatures (especially thanks to Mar for your two flattering messages)....my map is actually getting crowded! Ciao, m'peeps!

April 14, 2003

Hey there! Not much new to report here, well....not much earth shattering if ya know what I mean...or is there? Something bad happened in March around the time of my last period, and so I chose to hide away and try to focus on restoring my face: for some reason my forehead just broke out all over in those little zits...it reminded me of being on Accutane and not being on Prednisone, and as we know that can be just as miserable as having cysts.....beware of the menacing LIGHT-CATCHING array of smallish zit enemies! They are subtle, but....yes....deadly. It was getting pretty depressing, and of course the first thought I had was that I was relapsing...the famous 6 month or less accutane relapse. I proceeded to go out and try and get some classic salicyclic acid/benzoyl peroxide vaporizing (ie - DRYING) cream....and eventually that seemed to help some. But I honestly just think they decided to go away on their own. They were the innocent looking small kind that you wake up with, pop easily with your fingernail or such, and then they don't heal and just proceed to become extremely raw, difficult to cover with makeup, and juicy/ing.

But as I said, out of the blue they got better and now my face is really the best it has ever been. The only thing still holding me down are those red scars...they really do take forever to fade. They marks he made from lancing those last two cysts on either side of my chin back in December are still there, although very light now, but they still bother me some. But I WILL BE SEEN WITHOUT MAKEUP ON now voluntarily. Kellie had to be rushed to the hospital with a kidney stone this week at 6am, and all I had to do was throw on some proper long jammies and stick some clippies in my hair and just go....that was nice. But I won't go to class without makeup on yet. And that brings us to another point....

MAKEUP! Now I know ya'll are not going to believe what I did this weekend, but, well, uhm, BELIEVE IT! (that was so poor). I got *drumroll* a MYSTIC TAN!!! It is amazing....it is literally the definition of awesome for pastey white people like me. Ronnie paid for it...$24 for two sessions...and I feel so confident now. My legs have always been my prized feature, but I am also always too embarrassed to show them in the white patchy color they are usually in. I thought that just doing the wipe on sunless tanner route might get all blotchy, so I opted for this all over spray on professional procedure. And as you can guess, I let my face get coated too. I was freaking out in the room there, though: "What if my face gets too dark!? how will I wear my makeup? I am no good at matching new shades....this Merle Norman is the only thing that will ever work! Should I put the barrier cream on my face?" All that actually happened was that I got a fine bronze *maybe* on my face....I can't really even tell much of a difference. But just to be safe we went to Walmart and I got some $10 L'Oreal Ideal Balance foundation. To be honest, at the stage my face is in now it seems to work just as well if not better than the Merle Norman. Ronnie likes it a lot.....especially my legs :) I even bought a few new shorts and cute tees and sandals to wear with my tan at Old Navy and Goody's! LOL So here I am, trying new things!!!

But now it's time to go to bed: finals are drawing near and I have a terrifying 10 minute speech to give Thursday over "The Influence of Cellular Technology on Generation Y".....wish me luck! AGHH!

PS - I got glasses, too....they are not as bad as I feared...some say they are even cute!? ;-)

July 27, 2003

Whoa! The last time I updated was back in school!!! I am sure no one really cares, but still, come on. LOL The summer is winding to a close here and I start my Junior year of college in less than a month (the 25th, we move back the 21st)...but for once I am truly excited and not too scared...except for the classes, but that's normal. I have 18 hours again, or 6 classes. But I am really looking forward to being able to be with Ronnie again without all these parental rules being thrown upon me after being used to being on my own 9 months out of the year. 25 days at this point...

Onto my face, it is wearing fairly well....though I still wish it could be better. I tend to break out every now and then, like every few months I'll get a few antagonistic zits...like the underground kind by my nose (usually my fault, true) or, the ones I hate the most, ones that spring up out of nowhere on my chin by the reddish scars I am still trying to get to fade...I hate seeing a new red mark where there was nothing but fair skin before. That's probably my main pet peeve. I walk around a lot without makeup, but it's also the privacy of my own house...my main goal is to be able to walk around in Ronnie's collegiate apartment (where he will have a roommate) without feeling gross and inferior. I tend to do that: feel ugly and therefore stifle my personality and appear even more lifeless to whomever I am embarrassed in front of in the first place. WHY! It seems like everytime I try and put lots of Mederma for scars on my, well...scars, it helps a little and then if I don't use it I get those weird zits from nowhere which start out as BUMPS! I totally know how everyone feels in the older Accutane journals I was reading...one flaw or bump and you start to freak..."Is this the REAL relapse? Is it all over? Am I doomed to acne/painville again? AGH! WhyyyyYYYyyyyyyy" But overall my parents and Ronnie think you can barely see my scars and shouldn't even worry about it. And looking back at pictures of me this time last year, I can say they are right because those pics make me want to cry...I have no idea how I got through that.

In other news, I got my hair cut and decided on some wispy bangs! (they frame my eyes...it's cool...new pic in top left corner) But bigger is the news that I have completely switched platforms from my Dell PC laptop to a new 17" iMac from Apple!!!! This is really the most beautiful piece of equipment I've ever seen....the entire design is just beautiful...it seems to glow to me. But it really does sparkle in the sun since it is dripping with clear trim and see-through parts. I took a picture of me with it just so anyone who cares can see.....don't mind my messy state...I didn't bother cleaning myself up to appear normal today hehee. I still need some software (mainly to edit pictures..*cough cough*), but this is my most prized posession. As Apple would say....make the switch....it's worth it...Macs seldom crash. Mine hasn't yet. That's about it though! I will check in again some other time, but right now I will just finish enjoying my lonely, boring summer! i'd rather have this than what last summer was, though.....bye!