14 Stages of Growth for Survivors of Incest

1.   I cannot manage my pain alone.  I must seek help.

2.  I acknolwedge that something terrible happened.  I know it is not my imagination; I was a victim of childhood sexual assault.

3.  I begin to recognize my feelings.  There may be sadness, anger, fear, guilt, and shame.  I allow myself to experience them all.

4.  I discuss the abuse thoroughly with my therapist.   I completely re-experience and begin to deal with feelings appropriate for each incident of abuse I can recall.  I share feelings of shame with my survivors group.

5.  I begin to realize that I was probably acting appropriately at the time the abuse occurred.  (That is, my reactions were appropriate, the abuser was not!)

6.  If there was a part of the molestation that was pleasurable to me, I am coming to terms with the fact of that pleasure and am dealing with the guilt surrounding it.

7.  I perceive the connection between my molestation and my current behavioral patterns and relationships.  I am beginning to develop some control over that connection.

8.   I recognize that I have a choice as to whether or not I confront my perpetrator(s).

9.  I am beginning to understand what I desire from relationships, as I learn to trust my perceptions.

10. I am able to enjoy intimacy.

11. I develop a sense of self and my self-esteem has increased.

12. My resistance to talking about the abuse (although not necessarily the details of it) has diminished.

13. I realize that I have a choice as to whether or not I forgive my perpetrator.  I have forgiven myself.

14. I am in touch with past anger, but detached from it so that it is not a constant part of my feelings and a negative influence on my other feelings, my functioning, and my relationships with others. I no longer live in the past. I live in the present and welcome the future with all its fears, imperfections, and unpredictabilities.

From "Reclaiming Our Lives" by Carol Poston and Karen Lison as printed in Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume.