Written by Bastet
Open to Aly, Ian, Alex, Audrey, Dot, and Tom sitting together at a table in the back of Friendly's.
Ian: (who is sitting next to Aly) You know, I *never* would have agreed to this if it weren't for the fact that Mark is -
Aly: - one of the few people on this planet that you actually *like.*
Ian: Touché.
Alex: *I* am agreeing to this happily because I *enjoy* causing people pain.
Audrey: (glaring at him) What makes you think there's going to pain?
Alex: Aly's involved. Enough said.
Tom: Uh, could you keep the mean, biting comments down to a dull roar? This is important.
Dot: (smiling at him) Thank you.
Aly: (glaring at Alex) Yes, *thank you.* Now, we are all here today because we are really, *really* sick of the way Mark and Haley are acting.
Audrey: Actually, Mark's not being so bad...just pathetic.
Ian: You have *no* idea.
Aly: So we need to get them together.
Alex: (raising a hand) Uh, may I say something?
Audrey: (muttering) Like anyone could stop you.
Alex: I still have legitimate reason to think Haley isn't exactly open to that kind of relationship...
Ian: Why, because she doesn't faint when she looks into your pretty blue eyes?
Tom, Dot, and Audrey snicker.
Aly: (looking extremely pissed off) Look, Alex, the *reason* Haley acts the way she does around Mark is because she *does* like him and is annoyed with herself.
Alex: (skeptically) Did she tell you this?
Aly: No, but it's *obvious!* Her face lights up when she talks about him, she gets all glow-y...(off Audrey's smirk) You, keep your mouth *shut!*
Ian: Hmm...sometime when I'm excruciatingly bored I'll have to hear this story...but not now, because we have planning to do!
Dot: Who here knew that Ian could be the voice of sanity amidst chaos?
Blank looks from everyone else.
Dot: Okay, just checking. So, what's the plan?
Aly: (grinning) Is everyone here well up on their Shakespeare?
Tom: (hiding his face in his hands) You *would* have to pick Shakespeare.
Aly: Seeing as he used every love plot ever invented, I'd have to say - yeah! Unless I used one of the ones he *stole* from Greek mythology...
Audrey: Stop!
Aly: Huh?
Audrey: Don't get into one of your mythology tangents...
Ian: The more I find out, the less I want to know.
Aly: Good. Anyway, I was thinking we could do this Much Ado About Nothing style.
Tom: (blinking) We rub stuff on their eyes to make them fall in love?
Aly: Midsummer Night's Dream.
Tom: One of them pretends to die?
Aly: Right play, wrong plot.
Alex: Can we get this over with?
Audrey: It's not like you have anywhere else to be.
Alex: I might.
Tom: You don't.
Alex: Damnit.
Dot: So, Aly, are you finished being cryptic?
Aly: (sighing) Yeah. Okay. Benedick and Beatrice.
Tom: Oh, and that's *not* cryptic?
Dot: I'll explain it to you later. For this we're going to have to divide up, no?
Aly: Hmm. Yeah...you two would be the best for Haley, because you're (Dot) her sister and you're (Tom) his friend.
Alex: I still have *no* faith whatsoever that this will work.
Aly: (flatly) Alex, you haven't had faith in anything since you were three.
Alex: You're forgetting my own good looks. So who'll be setting up Mark?
Aly: (smirking) I guess one of them will have to be Ian.
Ian: (sighing) Yeah, I see the maniacal gleam in your eye, I won't argue.
Aly: Thank you. Who wants to be with Ian?
More blank stares.
Audrey: I think *you* should be.
Aly: (whining) Whyyy? (everyone covers their ears) Sorry, I'll stop. But why?
Audrey: Well, you and Ian *are* exactly alike, so -
Ian: You've got to be kidding me.
Aly: We are *nothing* alike. And there's no other reason we should be -
Alex: You know him better than any of us.
Tom: Yeah.
Dot: And you *are* a lot alike.
Aly: (groaning) I don't believe you'd gang up on me like this!
Alex: You *don't?*
Aly: Actually, I should have seen it coming. All right, fine.
Ian: Oh, joy.
Audrey: So what about me? And Chipmunk-Boy here?
Alex: Oh, thank *you.*
Aly: Frankly, I don't trust either of you with this kind of thing.
Audrey: Oh come on! I'm a way better actress than you!
Aly: Yeah, but Mark knows you barely know Haley.
Alex: I'm not even going to try to act offended that I'm being left out of this.
Aly: Uh-uh. You two have to stick around, in case -
Tom: We screw up. Which is all too likely, since I don't even know what I'm doing!
Dot: (tugging his arm) Come on, let's go.
Tom: (standing) Fine, fine, but you have to explain on the way.
They leave.
Aly: Um, okay...I think the best place for Ian and I to work from -
Audrey: Me and Ian.
Aly: No, it's 'Ian and I.'
Audrey: Yeah, but that sounds nerdy.
Aly: Oh good Lord, will you two just LEAVE already?!
Alex: What, you're staying here?
Aly: It's the most logical place to set this up.
Alex: Well, I'll just leave you two alone then.
Aly glares.
Audrey: Good luck, although not as much as if you'd let me help.
They leave.
Ian: (glancing sideways at Aly) Oh, *how* did I get myself into this?
Aly: Not even going to answer that.
Cut to Dot and Tom back at the house.
Dot: Okay, so on with the explaining.
Tom: Good.
They sit down on the "war" couch.
Dot: All right, Benedick and Beatrice are in love. But they don't know it, and they mask their feelings by teasing each other incessantly.
Tom: Sounds familiar...
Dot: No kidding. Anyway, so their friends decide that they would make a really good couple and they set them up. Like this...
Cut to Audrey and Alex, sitting in his pickup, looking extremely put out.
Audrey: I can't believe she would do this to me. My own best friend.
Alex: Especially since you *know* she'd rather be here herself.
Audrey: You are so conceited! Besides, this'll all be worth it.
Alex: (incredulously) to get Mark and Haley together?
Audrey: To see what Ian and Aly do to each other.
Alex: Ah, yes.
They sit in silence for a minute.
Audrey: Wanna play Rock, Paper, Scissors?
Alex: You have *got* to be kidding me.
Audrey: Come on, I always lose!
Alex hits his forehead against the steering wheel.
Cut to Ian and Aly, still sitting in the same place.
Aly: When does Mark's shift start?
Ian: For the eighth time, *I don't know.*
Aly: Do you really think we're alike?
Ian: No. I'm *way* more mentally balanced than you.
Aly: (snorts) Sure.
Ian: This coming from the girl who's obsessed with *Alex.*
Aly: (giving him the Evil Eye) Shut up.
Ian: Well, you are.
Aly: So?
Ian: So, that's mentally unbalanced.
Aly: Well, it's not like you're normal either.
Ian: Excuse me?
Aly: Hmm...you've been working in the same place for about eight years, you claim to hate me and yet last week you *hugged* me.
Ian: I don't like what you're insinuating here.
Aly: (making a face) Me neither. Let's forget the whole thing.
Cut to Dot and Tom.
Tom: So we have to act like we don't know she's listening?
Dot: Yeah. And this is not going to be easy.
Tom: I was afraid of that. Why not?
Dot: Because Haley considers herself above eavesdropping.
Tom: It might be easier to just rub love potion on her eyes.
Dot: If only we knew that gypsy from "Love Potion Number Nine"...
Tom: (sarcastically) If only.
Cut to Audrey and Alex, still sitting in the truck.
Alex: Why are we still here?
Audrey: If you started driving, we'd be *going* somewhere together, which is even worse than just *sitting.*
Alex: Oh, I love you people.
Audrey: That reminds me...
Alex: Oh, no.
Audrey: Why do you keep toying with Aly?
Alex: It's fun.
Audrey: Oh yeah, sure.
Alex: Now what is *that* supposed to mean?
Audrey: You *like* her!
Alex: Uh-huh. Sure I do.
Audrey: Yup.
Alex: Just shut up, will you?
Audrey: You *do* know who you're talking to, right?
Alex: I'm in denial.
Audrey: As I've been saying...
Alex: (fed up) Shut up!
Audrey: (triumphantly) Ooh, I got you mad...
Alex: (threateningly) Ooh, you're gonna *die*...
Audrey: (pouting) Jerk.
Alex: Bimbo.
Cut to Aly in Friendly's, staring ahead at something.
Aly: He's here!
Ian: You sound like one of those groupies from "Bye-Bye Birdie."
Aly: (pretending to swoon, shrieks) You said the name! (thinks for a second) Why did you watch "Bye-Bye Birdie"?
Ian: That girl who plays Kim is pretty hot.
Aly: Um...not commenting...but he's here!
Ian: He didn't see us, did he?
Aly: No, but he will soon - come on!
She gets up and jerks Ian to his feet. He pushes her away.
Ian: Please, do try to keep your hands to yourself.
Aly: (sarcastically) God knows it's hard.
They walk up to the front desk and begin to talk in loud, fake voices.
Ian: So...
Aly: Is Mark here?
Cut to Mark, who is listening behind the kitchen wall with eyebrows raised.
Ian: I don't think so.
Aly: (sighing dramatically) This is really getting to be a problem.
Ian: What, Haley?
Aly: Yeah...she won't shut up about him!
Mark looks pleased, then suspicious.
Ian: Too bad he doesn't -
Mark steps up behind the counter, glaring at them -
Ian: (smiling as innocently as he knows how) like her back?
Mark: You two've been watching a little too much "Much Ado About Nothing," hmm?
Ian: If we were, it wasn't together.
Aly and Mark look at him oddly.
Aly: (staring at Mark earnestly) Well, she *does* like you, and you like her, and this whole "pretending-to-hate-each-other" thing is *so* sixth grade (Ian rolls his eyes) and...(she fumbles) and...augh! (she does the hand thing) Lord, what *fools* these mortals be!
She buries her face in her hands as Mark and Ian watch, looking very amused.
Ian: Someone had a few too many Cokes tonight.
Aly: (looking up and smirking at him) Your treat.
Ian: Oh, shut up.
Mark: So, back to me?
They look at him, surprised.
Aly: Were we not on you? That didn't come out right.
Ian: Um...look, Mark, my friend -
Aly: (muttering) Only friend.
Ian: (continuing loudly, ignoring her) - It's obvious that you like her. And equally obvious that she likes you. So just ask her out already!
Aly: Before we have to silence you.
Mark: Silence me?
Aly: Oh, you've never heard the story of Ross, have you?
Ian: Aly!
Aly: (looking at him) Yes?
Cut to Tom and Dot, also staging a fake conversation outside Haley's room - though they sound a lot more convincing than their partners in crime.
Dot: (sighing) I just wish he'd tell her how he feels!
Tom: Yeah, but you know how she is - she'd probably just laugh in his face.
Dot: And then his heart would be broken...oh...(she melts)
Tom: (rolling his eyes, says seriously) Well, I guess he'll just have to go on hiding it then.
Dot: He does mask his feelings so well.
They both look like they're about to crack up. Cut to Haley inside, frowning.
Cut to Aly, knocking on the window of Alex's truck. Audrey opens the door.
Audrey: Thank God!
Alex: (stepping out of the other door) I'd like to reiterate that thanks, God.
Aly: So I'm God now?
Audrey and Alex: No!
Aly: Sheesh.
Audrey: Where's Ian?
Aly: At Friendly's talking to Mark, and by the way I am not his keeper.
Audrey: Never said you were...
They all look across the street to Friendly's. Haley is walking towards it with a determined look on her face, Tom and Dot are trailing after her.
Aly, Audrey, and Alex walk over to peer in the window after Haley goes inside.
Alex: I don't believe this.
Ian comes out the door.
Ian: Well, it's all up to those wacky love-fairies now.
Dot: Shhh! Look!
They watch through the window as Haley and Mark stare at each other for a few seconds. Haley opens her mouth to say something and Mark grabs her and kisses her. She returns the kiss and they begin some serious making out, oblivious to the fact that the others are cheering outside, minus Alex.
Dot: It's about time!
Aly: Yay!
It starts to rain slightly.
Ian: (sarcastically) Ah, the perfect end to a perfect day.
Audrey: (stepping out into the rain, sings) Raindrops keep falling on my head...(etc etc)
Alex: I think "Singin' in the Rain" would be more appropriate.
Audrey: You're right! (switches) I'm singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain, what a glorious feeling I'm going insane...(repeats)
Ian: (glaring at Alex) This is your fault.
Aly: No, it's her parents' fault for ever getting married in the first place.
Dot: (stepping out from under the awning, joins in the song) ...I'm going insane!
Tom: She's telling me...
Ian: (to Alex) How can you *stand* them?
Alex: (grinning at Aly) They grow on you.
Ian: (shuddering) Ugh...
Pan to back inside, where Mark and Haley have just broken apart.
Mark: (panting heavily) Uh...there was something I wanted to tell you.
Haley: (wide-eyed) Me too...I'm sorry for being such a bitch.
Mark: Forgiven. Completely.
He kisses her again.