Now this is the cutest book! It’s called Love Letters to the Monkees and they have the funniest letters from young kids. Here are my favorites:
(Once again, things written in italic are my words.)
Dear Monkees,
My girlfriend Irma says she found out that you really don’t sing your songs, and that other people sing for you.
I don’t believe you don’t sing.
I love all your songs, but maybe you don’t sing them so then I like not your music but whoever sings for you. But I really like you.
Good-bye.
Melissa B.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Dear Peter,
How are you, babes? (Did you really think I was going to say I love you and all that gush? Tsk-tsk.) I hope you don’t make your first million before I get to Hollywood.
I think your show is just fab, but the writers don’t give you big enough parts. And you always play the dumb one. I think you need a good public relations man to improve your image. It just so happens that my father is in the business, and I’ll see if he can do anything for you. Let’s get movin’ Peter.
I LOVE that part!
I know all your fans love you like crazy, but how many call you person to person from Boston? My girlfriend and I did, but the operator said she wasn’t allowed to connect us. Now you see what kind of fans we are.
Well, that’s about all for now. You can keep this letter, so if I become famous you will have my autograph.
Love, more or less,
Mardy E.
Boston.
Dear Monkees,
How are you? Fine, I hope. I just had to write to you, ‘cause I love your show so much I wish every day were Monday.
I don’t know if you know about this, but they have these packs of bubble gum with Monkee cards in them. On the back of the cards is a part of a huge picture of the Monkees, and you’re supposed to collect all the cards and fit them together like a big jigsaw puzzle until you have the complete picture. Well, I’ve got every card except two, and one of them is Davy’s mouth so it’s pretty annoying. I’ve been buying about five packs of gum a day for the past two weeks, trying to get those two cards, but I just can’t get them. I’m so full of bubble gum I’m ready to float away. Being Monkees and all, I’m sure you guys have some pull with the card company, so could you please send me Davy’s mouth and Mike’s left ear?
Love ya,
Debbie C.
Hewlett, N.Y.
Hello!
Well, my name is Henrietta S., alias Jean LeSeur because Henrietta S. is such a crummy name.
Basically I would like you to answer a few questions:
1)Are you guys really gonna start a feud with the Robbs? I read that in some lousy scandal sheet. I hope it’s just a false roomer (Gotta love the spelling!), because I like the Robbs almost as much as you guys.
2)Are you coming to Philadelphia soon? Do you believe in Ouija boards? My friend and I did, until hers told us we weren’t going to get tickets to your concert here. Please pray for our poor souls, sorrows, lives, loves, and lymph vessels!
3)Is Paris really burning?
4)Who is afraid of Virginia Woolf?
5)Peter, did you really fall down on stage at the Denver Concert? You did? My pen pal said she was there, and she threw her lipstick on stage and she thought you fell on it. I bet if she could get that lipstick back she would cherish it forever.
Well guys, that’s about it for now. Keep on taking it cool, and if you appear in Philadelphia be sure to watch for me in the audience. I’ll be the one with the Phyllis Diller hairdo. Phyllis Diller? The poor kid!
Yours forever, in love,
Jean LeSeur
Dear Micky,
I’ve written to you about five times before, but all I ever got in reply was letters saying you are sorry but you don’t have the time, or pictures instead of answers. I am terribly sorry that I have been spelling your name with an “e” up till now. I hope that wasn’t why you haven’t written back.
I think the Monkees are the greatest thing since sliced bread, no kidding. This boy I unfortunately know says that your series was meant for the ten-year-old age bracket, but it’s just his jealousy. He is forever knocking you and I always stick up for you. He says you are blind in one eye and can’t see out the other one. But I told him you have three qualities he hasn’t got and never will have: 1) You have talent, especially in playing the drums, 2) You have money, 3) You have looks, while Kenny has to sneak up to a water fountain to get a drink of water.
Stay as great as you are.
Mainly love,
Daphne B.
Boise, Idaho
I wonder if Daphne and Kenny are married now?
Dear Monkees,
My name is Wendy. I like your records. Please send me a picture of you. I forgot all your names so please put your autographs on the pictures.
Sincerely,
Wendy K.
Butte, Mont.
Dear Micky,
I read in the magazine that you have a dog named “You.” It comes in handy when you have to call him, al you have to do is yell “Hey, You!” I’ve got a good name for my dog. I call him “Back.” Every time he runs away I just have to yell “Come, Back!” Not really, but if I do get a dog I think I will call him that.
Anyway, I would like to be the first fan to write to “You.” Here is the letter.
Dear You,
Arf, bark, bow-wow…It goes on like that.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrarf,
Geraldine T.
Schenectady, N.Y.
Dear Davy Jones,
I like your shows very much. I like all your songs too. I like all your clothes and your hair. You are very very cute.
You better come to Wichita or I’ll smash you one.
Lover,
Carol K.
Wichita
Dear Micky,
You guys are really fabulous, everyone says so. But remember that the most part of your fame is your personality. Never lose or forget that. I care more about a good personality than beauty. If you have a good personality it makes up for what you may lack physically. So don’t worry.
Love,
Dina T.
Gloversville, N.Y.
P.S. Is it true that if you weren’t a singer you would like to be a roll of scotch tape?
Sigh. Micky, your sarcasm is lost on young girls.
Dear Micky,
Hi! I’m one of your biggest fans. You’re so cute and funny and I just love you. Could you please say something to me on your show? Please? You could just sort of look at the camera and wink and say, “Hello Gertrude,” or something. (My name is Gertrude.) Or maybe you could name one of the girl characters in the program Gertrude. That way I would know you had gotten this letter.
Love and kisses always,
Gertrude S.
Cleveland, Ohio.
Dear Micky,
My name is Ruth. Even though I am only ten, I am a very loyal fan of the Monkees. I think you are the cutest and the funniest on the show. My father thinks you are funny, and so does my sister, my mother, and my grandfather. Everyone in my family is against long hair and boys except my sister and me.
My mother thinks you’re Russian. She says she knew a man when she was in Russia who looked just like you. My sister says she knows a boy who looks just like you. But my grandfather thinks you are Polish. He thinks everyone’s Polish. He acts very smart when your show comes on. He says all the Monkees are Polish and when we tell him they aren’t he gets mad. Once he almost broke the TV screen, he was so sure the Monkees were Polish.
Please don’t mind my grandfather, he’s just a little off his rocker. All my relatives are. Except me and my sister.
Love and kisses,
Ruth W.
Biloxi, Miss.
I really cracked up when I read that one.
Dear Monkees,
I am nine years old but I love your group very much anyway.
Do you like working better in Hollywood or America?
Love and kisses,
Patricia N.
San Antonio, Texas
Dear Mike,
Your fan magazine says that when you were in the Air Force you turned over a general’s airplane once by accident. What I want to know is, how do you turn over an airplane? I mean, if you’re flying it, that’s one thing, but on the ground? And what do you say to a general when you just tipped over his plane? Is that why you’re not in the Air Force anymore?
Your fan,
Denny S.
Peru, Ind.
Those were just my favorite letters, mind you. If you can, I suggest you read the entire book, because every letter is very funny. I take no credit for these.