#1: The Microsoft Popcorn
(Note to reader: Yes, if it doesn't make sense, it's probably for our amusement only.) Once upon a time, there were two sloths that lived in a house called Halloran. One day, Sloth Matt and Sloth Dan decided to eat the left-over pizza. When the sloths' roommate, Zack, came back from a hard day of classes, he was very hungry. "Fe fi fo fum," he growled, "do you guys know where I can get some real food?" Of course, the left-overs Sloth Dan and Sloth Matt ate were Zack's. Matt and Dan were just too lazy to go to the commons one block away. So Zack decided to make some popcorn. Simple enough. Something easy to make and lying around in our food stash. Matt wasn't paying much attention to what Zack was doing. A short while later, Brett asked if I smelled something burning. Matt immediately rushed to the microwave. Zack saw Matt opening the microwave door and came rushing in. Smoke was pouring out of the top of the bag. Brett was yelling, "Take it outside!" Matt was worried it was going to combust at any moment. "Shove it in the sink!" After a brief moment of confusion and a horrible, horrible odor fuming the air, Zack ran outside and threw the popcorn on the ground. Of course, Brett made the right decision on that one. OK, let me do a quick recap. Zack makes popcorn (somewhat). He sets it for approximately eight minutes and proceeds to leave the room. I guess those turn timers are just too much for some people. The popcorn gets a nice four minute nuke, which means we stopped it halfway through. Our floor advisor came into our room half an hour later. Let me quote him, "Uhhh... did you guys burn something?" I would also like to point out that he is on the complete OTHER end of the hall- about 100 feet away. People from the FLOORS ABOVE US were asking what we burnt. Conversations for the rest of the night went much like this, "Hey guys, you wanna do something toni--- What's that awful smell? WHAT DID YOU GUYS BURN?" (burn can be replaced with slaughter). You can probably imagine three of us fanning the smoke detector in our room with a jacket, praying that the alarm didn't go off and cause 110 people to evacuate. The stench lasted three days, even with the fan blowing in fresh air.
Good news: New, digital microwave coming this winter.
Moral of the Story: Only scholars should use turn knob microwaves, it's some complex doo-gadget thingy. And don't forget to always, always, read the label on the back of the bag. Adult supervision is required.
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