* * *
"Ziwei! Hurry up!" cried the ever-so-energetic Xiao Yan Zi, charging ahead with Saiya as Ziwei panted behind. "Come on! You're on a horse!"
"Ahh! I'm going to fall!" Ziwei screamed as her horse galloped on. She made a wild grab for the reins and clung on for dear life as her horse raced after Xiao Yan Zi and Saiya's. She had never moved so fast before in her entire life!
"Look at that deer!" Saiya exclaimed. "Huan Zhu Ge Ge, I'm sorry, it's mine!"
"Saiya!" Ziwei called. "Look at that bear!"
"What? Where?" Saiya gasped and turned around to look. Xiao Yan Zi rode up, laughing gaily. "Saiya, it looks like you'll have to lose to me!" she said as she raised her bow and arrow and took a careful aim at the deer. Saiya, being good-natured, simply laughed.
Swish...the arrow flew through the air. The deer saw it nd fled for its life.
"Ahhh!"
Xiao Yan Zi's heart stopped. How could there be a person hanging around in these woods? She hurriedly dismounted her horse in time to see a young man staggering backwards, an arrow protruding from his chest. She ran to him, followed by Ziwei and Saiya. "Who is he?" Saiya exclaimed, looking at the dirty, sloppily-dressed young man.
"I don't know...do you think he wants to assassinate us?" Ziwei asked nervously.
"Ahh, if we don't save him, we'd be the ones who murdered him!" Xiao Yan Zi said. The young man's eyes opened wide at the sight of her and he mumbled, "Xiao Yan Zi...Xiao Yan Zi..." his hand reached up to her and Xiao Yan Zi jumped back. "Who are you?" she demanded again.
* * *
*One and a half years EARLIER*
Xiao Yan Zi leaned contentedly on Yong Qi's arm, sighing as she looked at the flowers and the blue sky. Everything was so beautiful...
"Xiao Yan Zi, what are you doing?"
Xiao Yan Zi jumped and turned to face a grinning face of...Er Kang?! "Where's Yong Qi?!" she asked, startled. Er Kang was staring at her as if she had temporarily lose her senses. "He's...umm...there" he replied, pointing at the person beside her. Xiao Yan Zi turned with a sigh and caught hold of Yong Qi's arm. "Let's get away from here, it's too crowded" she said, grimacing at Er Kang and Ziwei, who merely laughed and continued to admire the flowers.
They strolled about, hand in hand, content just to be with each other. Then, just as Yong Qi was about remark on how beautiful Xiao Yan Zi looked, an eunuch ran up to them. "Wu Ar Ge jixiang, Huan Zhu Ge Ge jixiang. Lao Fuo Ye and Huang Shang wants to see Wu Ar Ge, Huan Zhu Ge Ge, Ziwei Ge Ge and Fu Da Ye at once."
*At Ci Ning Gong*
"Wu Ar Ge dao! Huan Zhu Ge Ge dao! Ziwei Ge Ge dao! Fu Da Ye dao!"
The four of them walked in and knelt down, kowtowing properly and saying all the prim and oh-so-stuffy things. Qianlong was looking very perturbed. "You may rise. Children, I have just received very serious news. Very serious indeed."
The four of them looked uneasily at each other. What could this serious news be? And how serious is it?
The group was taken aback. Qian Long looked at their shocked faces."Now Yong Qi and Er Kang will have to lead the army. They will be served the best food and sleep in the best quarters"
Zi Wei piped in, saying,"Can I go and play the qin
for them, I can play"Larger then Life" "Stronger",
"Bring it all back to me?" Zi Wei rattled on.
Qian Long stared at them with a serious expression on his face. Suddenly they smelt this strong pungent smell. It was a silent killer by the Emperor of China! They looked at each other with agonized expressions and tried to flee but they fainted before they could flee. The smell was TOO bad! Moral of the event: never let out silent killers because they KILL. Let out atomic bombs because they don't kill.
Hu tai yi was called to "wake" them up. He
did, of course, after a hard time. Serious business began again. "We have
to lead the army, does that mean that I won't get to see you when I'm battling?
I don't even see you enough when I'm in the palace, let alone when I am in
battle!" Yong Qi exclaimed, hugging Xiao Yan Zi. He gave her a peck on her
cheek, and hugged her even tighter. Xiao Yan Zi tapped him slightly, she
whispered,"Yong Qi, don't hug me so tight,I can't breathe"
YongQi released her abruptly, not wanting to hurt his dear, beloved wife.
XiaoYanXi misunderstood his actions. She stamped her feet and demanded"I
didn'tsay DONT HUG ME! I said NOT SO TIGHT!"She pouted cutely.
YongQi stared at his wife incredulously and muttered "women, forever like that, cannot make up their minds"
Unfortunately for him, XiaoYanZi heard him!
She placed her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes
slyly "what did you say?"
"uh...women are always right!" YongQi tried to cover up.
Xiao Yan Zi turn away and grinned to herself. Then, she pretended to be angry
and stormed off to the bedroom. Yong Qi got anxious and quickly chased after
her.
But on the way, YongQi slipped and *piak* he landed flat on his face at XiaoYanZi'sfeet.
XiaoYanZi abrupted into giggles! "haha,my dear husband, you dont need to make such a big apology and kow-tow to me! You are forgiven! Next time, dont need to be so formal!"she cried between giggles.
Moral of the event: Don't fall on your face while running after your beloved. it spoils the romance.
Finally, XiaoYanZi managed to calm down. She glanced down at YongQi, who was still on the floor, sulking. She turned her face away quickly and managed to stifle a giggle.
"Hmmph. Instead of helping me up, my dear
WONDERFUL wife is laughing at me!"
Xiao Yan Zi finally woke up and helped YongQi up. She started getting a little
worried and looked him up and down for any injuries.... the palace maids were
staring at them intensively. Xiao Yan Zi blushed and pushed YongQi away in
embarassment. YongQi lost his balance and fell down again!
"Get up yourself!" said an embarrassed XiaoYanZi as she walked towards the bedroom. She did not want to help YongQi up again,with all the palace maids watching!
YongQi got up himself and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and proceeded to the bedroom too.
XiaoYanZi was sitting on the bed shyly and lifted her
head when she heard YongQis footsteps. Their eyes met."i'm not
angry"They both said at the same time. They stared at each other for a
moment before bursting out in laughter. YongQi walked over to XiaoYanZi and
wrapped her into his arms."i love you"
Xiao Yan Zi was about to reply when she hiccupped. And sneezed. Yong Qi released
XiaoYanZi and put his arm around her. She hiccupped again.
moral of the event: always drink lots of water before saying 'i love you'.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door... ...
With one hand, Yong Qi shoved Xiao yan zhi lightly off his foot. Zhi Wei and Er Kang both watched this funny-looking scene and giggled a little. Yong Qi had pushed Xiao yan zhi a little too hard and Xiao yan zhi fell to the ground with a loud thump! Yong Qi sat on the bed holding his foot while he watched Xiao yan zhi. Moral: never step on your beloved foot unless you want to fall down.
Should he watch his foot or help Xiao yan zhi up? Yong Qi stayed put with his foot. Xiao yan zhi winced with pain. She slowly stood up and took a look at Zhi Wei and Er Kang who were laughing now. Xiao yan zhi blushed red. She looked accusingly at Yong Qi 'Why didn't you help me up?' Xiao yan zhi said as she hiccuped again. 'I..I.. erm..' Yong Qi stuttered finding the right words to say.
Soon Zhi Wei and Er Kang were laughing so hard that they needed the support of each other to stand instead on crumbling to the ground. Xiao yan zhi and Yongqi both looked at Zhi Wei and Er Kang. Their frowns turned upside down and they couldn't help but laugh. Both couples were laughing for no reason. Zhi Wei and Er Kang stopped their laughing, after noticing they were laughing about nothing. Moral:Think of something to laugh about before laughing
Xiao yan zhi stole another glance at Zhi Wei. Zhi Wei had lipstick across her face. 'Zhii..Weii..what did you do to (laugh) to your face? Xiao yan zhi said in between giggles. 'what?' Zhi wei exclaimed as she hurried to the mirror.
'ER KANG! Why didn't you tell me that I had lipstick on my face?' Zhi Wei said angrily 'Ohh…must've been when you bumped into my hand when I was putting lipstick on my lips' Zhi Wei said as her cheeks went red. This made Xiao yan zhi and Yongqi burst into even more laughter. 'I…I…don't worry no one noticed it' Er Kang said trying to comfort Zhi Wei. Moral:Always check if your spouse looks okay before going out.
Zhi Wei had wondered what was wrong when all the palace maids and eunuchs were looking at her and giggling. There was this big thump and they turn around, seeing another couple(with a child)laughing their heads off. Who were they? None other then Er Tai and Sai Ya! Zhi Wei stuck her bottom lip out and made her most innocent sad looking impression. 'Now even Saiya and Er Tai know…this is Sooo…humiliating' Zhi Wei exclaimed hiding in Er Kang's arms.
'Xiao yan zhi, what happened to your nose?' Saiya asked. 'It's ALL Yong Qi's fault' Xiao yan zhi wailed. Yong Qi looked at the ground looking guilty. And then, out of the blue and an eunuch cried, " Huang Shang Dao!". 'Aiya, Xiao yan zhi what happened to your nose? Why is it all bruised?' Huang Shang said examining her bruised nose. Moral:Don’t fall on your nose. you wouldn't look very nice afterward.
'Hui Huang Shang, Xiao yan zhi says it's all Yong Qi's fault' Saiya said mischievously. 'so it is….Yong Qi' Huang Shang said looking over at Yong Qi. Yong Qi looked up and greeted Huang shang.
'It's not…' Yongqi started but he saw that Xiao yan zhi was looking at him with an angry look, Yongqi hesitantly corrected himself 'Yes..It was ALL my fault'. Another eunuch announced 'Huang Hou Niang Niang jia dao'. Huang Hou walked with pride up to the Shu fang Zhai door.
Just as she walked in, the wood at the bottom of the step hit the bottom of her shoe. Huang Hou came flying in and landed on the floor. Moral: always look before you leap. in this case, always look before you slip. it hurts your dignity.
Everyone tried to hide their laughter.
XiaoYanZi had a hard time stifling her giggles.
ZiWei had a little better self-control. She went forward and helped the Empress up and led her to the chair, beside the Emperor.
"Serve the tea!" ordered YongQi the maids.
The Empress' face was red with embarrassment. XiaoYanZi felt bad for her just a little bit. A maid came back with a cup of tea on a tray.
"Here, let me!" offered XiaoYanZi. She took the tray over from the maid and went forward to serve the tea to the Empress.
However, XiaoYanZi was very clumsy! She could not hold the tray properly, and neither could she walk straight! She overturned the tray and lost her balance…the cup of tea "flew" into the air and its contents fell onto ErKang's right hand!
"OWWW!" shouted ErKang in both shock and pain.
"Water! Water!" ZiWei screamed, as she ran forward to check on her husband.
"ErKang! I'm so sorry!" cried XiaoYanZi. A
maid came rushing out with a cup of water. XiaoYanZi ran to the maid and grabbed
the glass of water.
She ran to ErKang and poured the cup of water onto ErKang's hand, to
"relieve" the pain. If COLD water were to be poured onto ErKang's
hand, the pain will lessen. However, that was WARM water in the glass!
"ARGHHHHH!!!!!!" ErKang jumped 5 inches high
as the Warm Water touched his slightly scalded hand! He shouted and his left
hand grabbed his right hand in pain! (That hurts!)
Moral: Never get too close to XiaoYanZi!
"AIYAH!" XiaoYanZi cried as she rushed forward to check on ErKang again. But this time, ErKang was smarter, he moved away from her quickly!
HuangShan, HuangHou, YongQi and ZiWei all watched, their lower jaws dropping. They were all dumbfounded. HuangShan's lower lip was quivering. Finally...he could no longer control it. He burst out laughing! Laughter was contagious. Before long, HuangHou, YongQi and even ZiWei were all trying to stifle their giggles. XiaoYanZi was very apologetic and embarrassed.
Finally, the COLD water came and medicine was applied onto ErKang's hand. The Imperial Physician bandaged his hand up for him too. Poor, poor ErKang!
-----------------------
The Emperor, Empress Dowager, Empress, YongQi, ErKang, ErTai, XiaoJian, XiaoYanZi, ZiWei, SaiYa and QingEr were all invited the Farewell Dinner for YongQi, ErKang, ErTai and XiaoJian, who were leaving soon for their battle. The Dinner was to be held in CiNingGong.
Everybody has arrived, except XiaoYanZi.
"YongQi! Where is XiaoYanZi? How come you came without her?" asked LaoFouYe.
"XiaoYanZi took a nap in the afternoon and she just woke up! She asked me to come first while she got ready. She should be here anytime now!" YongQi answered carefully.
"Huan Zhu Ge Ge dao"
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" cried XiaoYanZi as she rushed in.
With a flick of her wrist, and a bent in the knees, XiaoYanZi greeted her elders.
XiaoYanZi was greeted back with giggles. She looked up in surprise, only the see the Emperor laughing his head off, the ladies with their handkerchiefs over their lips, covering their giggles, XiaoJian, ErKang and ErTai laughing and YongQi looking at her in disbelief, stifling his laughter.
"Dispense...Dispense with…wwith formalities!" HuangShan managed to say, with much effort. He looked at XiaoYanZi again and started pounding the table, laughing his head off.
"What is wrong? Why are all of you laughing? Did I miss out something? Tell me the joke! I want to hear about it!" XiaoYanZi asked, getting a little pissed yet excited.
The laughter and giggling got louder. Every time somebody turned their head to look at XiaoYanZi, they will erupt into yet another fit of giggles!
Finally, XiaoJian managed to blurt out "Your headdress is on the wrong side!"
The laughter got worse and everybody was clutching their tummies, even YongQi, who tried to remain calm.
XiaoYanZi did not move for awhile. Slowly, she raised her hand to try to feel for the "flower" in front of her headdress. Her hand moved around her headdress quickly…and felt nothing but a blank texture.
She moved her hand to the "back" of the headdress and indeed, the "flower" and other ornaments were there! She had indeed worn her headdress the wrong way round!
XiaoYanZi blushed profusely.
Moral: Never take a nap before a formal dinner, or you will wear your headdress
in the wrong way!
"Ai-Yo! On your way here from JingYangGong…nobody
told you?" asked the Emperor, laughing very loudly. But, the Emperor was
laughing TOO loudly. His body was shaking too vigorously due to the laugh,
uncontrollable laughter! The Emperor almost fell of his chair…Huang Hou, who
was sitting next to him, tried to stabilized him a little, but the Emperor was
too heavy. Her hand moved backwards due to the Emperor's uncontrollable
laughter…but her hand moved too quickly and rammed into the left eye of
XiaoJian!
Moral: Never try to stabilize a laughing Emperor as they are too heavy and
uncontrollable!
"Ah!" cried XiaoJian as he covered his left eye in pain. He forgot about laughing at his sister.
"Oh dear! Are you alright?" asked HuangHou concernedly! "Let me see" HuangHou tried to pull XiaoJian's hand away, which was covering his injured eye. XiaoJian slowly revealed his injured eye…a black and blue eye!
This time, XiaoYanZi laughed the loudest! "I've got a panda for a brother! I've got a panda for a brother!" XiaoYanZi cried, as she pointed at XiaoJian and jumped around, laughing very loudly. She was laughing so hard that she fell onto the floor, but that did not stop her from laughing! She clutched her tummy and raised her head up to take another glance at her panda-eyed brother. She burst out laughing all over again.
Everybody turned to XiaoJian in concern, who was now very embarrassed...laughter shook the whole of CiNingGong!
"Oh my God!" shouted the Emperor uncontrollably as he pounded the table again, laughing non-stop.
XiaoJian scrounged up his face and covered his left
eye.
Moral: Never sit beside the Empress, she may look ladylike and refined, but
looks may be deceiving! "punches" grow no eyes!
The next day, Yong Qi, Er Kang, Qian Long, Xiao Jian and several other men had to leave for battle. As Yong Qi was getting ready, Xiao Yan Zi came to him. “Look, I made something for you,” she said, her eyes very red. She thrust a package at him. “Don’t open it until you get to camp.” They stared at each other for a moment, then Xiao Yan Zi’s mouth opened wide and she let out a wail. “I don’t want you to go!” she sniffed, rubbing at her eyes which couldn’t get any redder. They hugged each other tight, thankful that they had drunk plenty of water before this lovey dovey scene…Yong Qi was sure that he didn’t want any hiccups to spoil the romance of it all!
But, cry as they could and did, there was no stopping the men. They were like ferocious beasts, every nerve in their body ready to fight the Mongolians. Thinking about it brought a scowl to Er Kang’s face and a stiff way to Yong Qi’s walking. (DON’T ask me how this is) Their wives, tearful and hugging each other, clustered together to say goodbye to them.
They were off!
* * *
~One month later~
“HERE THEY COME!!!!!” Er Kang screeched. “AHHHH!!!!” he wrinkled up his face and Yong Qi could have sworn that he saw tears in Er Kang’s eyes.
“Let’s go!” Qian Long roared. He galloped forward, a gallant, fine, brave, plump figure saddling the horse with two young men on either side. Er Kang, who was on the left, was bending over his horse and clinging tight to it, his face white with fright as he saw the enemy charging towards them with bows and arrows. Yong Qi went ahead almost as bravely as Qian Long, but his lips were trembling. Behind them came half of the army of China, hurrah-ing and blowing horns and yelling as they raced forward.
Then the fighting began. HOW they fought! Er Kang was half-fighting half-yelling with horror as he saw some of the toughest soldiers fall off their horse. Qian Long, who was wondering a lot at Er Kang’s cowardice, also began to tremble inwardly as he continued to fight gallantly. Yong Qi was ten metres ahead of his father, screaming and shrieking like a deranged monkey as he shot arrow after arrow.
In the battle heat, no one but Er Kang noticed that Yong Qi was shot in the leg and taken prisoner. As it was, Er Kang screamed so loudly that Qian Long, who was beside him, went deaf! Er Kang couldn’t understand why the hell Qian Long was gesturing wildly at his ears and opening and shutting his mouth like a goldfish. Er Kang couldn’t stand the strain of trying to understand the Emperor of China any longer and left it to Xiao Jian to decipher out Qian Long’s weird actions as he retreated from the battle fire.
When the battle was over, with severe losses on both sides, Qian Long was borne into his tent by Xiao Jian and a few other high-ranking officials. A guilty-looking, scared-to-death Er Kang was waiting for him.
“Huang Shan is deaf!” Xiao Jian said glumly.
Qian Long pointed to Er Kang and made faces. He grabbed a piece of paper and a brush and began scribbling on it. ‘You big fat mother’s boy! You made me deaf! You shall pay for it by becoming a toilet cleaner in the future!’
Er Kang gasped. “But Huang Shan…I don’t like toilets…can’t I clean other places instead?”
‘I don’t care! Now where’s Yong Qi?’
“He’s been…kidnapped,” Er Kang said resignedly. “That was what I was trying to tell you in the battle.”
Qian Long almost went mad with fury. ‘My son was kidnapped and all you could do was scream and make me deaf?!’
“It was kinda…noisy out there, sir,” Er Kang said apologetically.
Qian Long opened his mouth to scream, realised that he couldn’t hear himself and left the tent, still fuming.
Moral of the chapter: do not sit beside a screaming lunatic in battlefields.
As Xiao Yan Zi was walking back to her room, she suddenly heard the door creak open. Thinking that it was her husband back from battle, she made an abrupt twist and….
~Bow! Bam! Buff!~
…. She had fallen down the stairs.
She rubbed her bottom and her knees, which were bleeding a lot. She stood up and straightened her clothes, walking towards the first aid kit kept in the main hall. As she reached for the kit, she crumbled down and fainted.
When she woke up, she found herself in a room full of people. As her vision began to clear, she found that she was lying in her room on her bed. The people in the room were, Lao Fuo Ye, Ling Fei Niang Niang, Zi Wei, Huang Huo Niang Niang and the Tai Yis.
She tried to get up but the pain in her stomach nailed her back down. “Oww….”she moaned, “Wha…what happened?”
Lao Fuo Ye smiled weakly at her. “I have good news, and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Xiao Yan Zi replied, “The bad news.”
Lao Fuo Ye took a deep breathe. A little too deep. She choked on her saliva. Cough cough she went. She continued. “Yong Qi…my grandson” she sighed and continued “he left with the ambition of winning the war, but now,I doubt I will ever see him again…..” her voice trailing off when she finished the last part.
Xiao Yan Zi looked at Lao Fuo Ye. She blinked. Once. Twice. Tears started to form automatically at the sides of her eyes. They dripped on the floor, making a small puddle on it.
Suddenly, a messenger came, wanting to tell what had
happen to Er Kang. He slipped and fell on the tears which Xiao Yan Zi had just
produced. He hit Lao Fuo Ye, and don’t know what reason,the end looked like
this:
He was wearing Lao Fuo Ye’s headdress.
Lao Fuo Ye was upside down.
He was sitting on Lao Fuo Ye.
Moral of this chapter: Don’t run in a palace, walk. Walk slowly and carefully, even when there’s a bulglar. If you fall on anyone important…I don’t want to see what will happen to you…Take care. And oh, beware the jaws of the empress my friend, she has thought she has won.
