Yet more bumper stickers
You nonconformists are ALL ALIKE
Eschew Obfuscation
Oh No!!! Not ANOTHER learning experience!!
The Truth is Out There (but I'm stuck here)
I saw Elvis making crop circles
If You're Agoraphobic, you'd be home by now.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
4 out of 5 cannibals agree: Vegetarians Taste Better
Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am
Not all who wander are lost
Support your local Extra-Terrestrial
Creative People must be Stopped
Where Are We Going? (and why am I in this handbasket?)
Treehugging Dirt Worshipper
Queen without a country
Well-behaved women rarely make history.
Wild Women don't get the blues
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car?
Religions are just cults with lots more members
Honk if you think I'm Jesus
Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours
Don't assume I share your prejudices
Ageism will catch up to you
I think, therefore I'm dangerous
Buckle Up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
Only YOU can prevent narcissism
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
I'm marching to a different accordion
You can have my gun, when you can pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
I embarrass my offspring
When you invite people to think, you are inviting revolution
Subvert the dominant paradigm
There's no government like no government
Get involved: The world is run by those who show up
Never have so few taken so much from so many for so long
There They Go! I must hurry after them, for I am their leader.
Don't tell the truth, you might lose your funding.
Don't believe everything you think
They tell us lies until forced to tell new lies
Guns don't kill people. Radical Pro-lifers kill people
Better a bleeding heart than none at all
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention
It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
Back to Top
Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, ..night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
14. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
16. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
17. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
21. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
22. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
23. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
24. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
25. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
26. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
27. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
30. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
31. If at first you don't succeed, ..skydiving is not for you.
Back to Top
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers:
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
MACHIAVELLI:The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Back to Top
Thought this was appropriate! LOL!
Everybody in town was cleaning up after a terrible
storm, and the lines at the checkout counter were long,
as people purchased all kinds of extra cleaning supplies.
Most folks were working hard to maintain their good
humor. But it was evident that one woman was
determined to be miserable about her situation.
Every time a another customer was rung up and left, this
woman looked meaningfully at how long the line _still_
was - and her loud sighs spoke volumes about her
unhappiness at being kept waiting.
Finally, she began voicing her feelings in words as well
as sighs. When the cashier had to call for a price check
on an item for someone else, she said indignantly,
"Well! At this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here by
Christmas!"
The long-suffering (until now) clerk turned his attention
on her and said politely, "Oh, no, Ma'am, I don't think
so. Just look outside: With the wind kicking up again,
and that great new broom you have there, I'm sure
you'll make it home by Halloween!"
Back to Top
Twenty-five steps to build a website
1. Download a piece of totally confusing HTML editing software. Install it...get totally confused...uninstall it. Download another program...install it...get totally confused...uninstall it. Download a third program...install it. Choose to keep it, but close it for now. - 90 minutes
2. Think about what you want to put on your Web page. Decide you're going to build an online family tree. Plan your site. - 30 seconds
3. Buy a $500 scanner to scan your images. Decide to scan the entire family photo album. Attempt to hook up the scanner. - 1 week.
4. Re-download the HTML editing software since the new version has just been released and the old one has expired. - 20 minutes.
5. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site since you have no clue how to use your scanner - 1 minute.
6. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like. Steal them. - 4 days.
7. HTML software expired...download again. - 20 minutes
8. Install and run the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do. Decide you'll just wing it. - 4 hours.
9. Give up on designing your own site and just view the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there. - 4 hours.
10. Preview your Web page using the HTML software - 1 minute.
11. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.
12. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.
13. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, then spend hours wondering why all your text is gone - 4 hours.
14. Download and install a Bravenet counter - 4 minutes.
15. Try to figure out where your counter is on your site since you have no idea where you pasted the code - 3 hours.
16. Solve the counter problem. Look at it. Decide it looks like your site is too new. Go into the Bravenet Members' Area and increase your count to 25,897 visitors.
17. Prepare to load your Web page on your ISP. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.
19. Try to figure out ow to load your Web page onto your ISP's server -3 weeks.
20. Contact your ISP for instructions on how to upload your page - 3 more weeks.
21. Download FTP software - 15 minutes.
22. Figure out how to use your FTP software - 2 weeks.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your web page after spending hours trying to figure out what your URL is. - 2 hours
25. Put a link on your site offering your services as a web page
designer. - 1 minute
Back to Top
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health institute:
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are busy.
Back to Top
Noah's Excuses For Not Completing His Ark On
Time
And the Lord said unto Noah: 'Where is the ark which I have commanded
thee to
build?'
And Noah said unto the Lord, 'Verily, I have had three carpenters off
ill. The
gopherwood supplier hath let me down---yea, even though the gopherwood
hath
been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do O'Lord?'
And God said unto Noah: 'I want that ark finished even after seven days
and seven
nights.'
And Noah said: 'It will be so.' And it was not so.
And the Lord said unto Noah: 'What seemeth to be the trouble this time?'
And Noah said unto the Lord: 'Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The
pitch
which Thous commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not
arrived. The
plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side
of the
business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japeth.
Lord, I am
undone. '
And the Lord grew angry and said: 'And what about the animals, the male
and
female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed
upon the
face of the earth?'
And Noah said: 'They have been delivered unto the wrong address but
should
arriveth on Friday.
And the Lord said: 'How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by
seven?'
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: 'Lord, unicorns are a
discontinued
line, thou canst not get them for love or money. And fowls of the air
are sold only
in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.'
And the Lord in his wisdom said: 'Noah, my son, I knowest, Why else dost
thou
think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?'
And the Lord grew angry.
Back to Top
Q. How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They changed it already.
Q. How many Taurians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Taurus gets bulbs that don't need changing.
Q. How many Gemini does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. At least two to take out the old bulb, two to shop for a new one, two to
write a book about it and two more to discuss it on a talk show.
Q: How many Cancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Their mom's change it for them. Anyway, they'd light a candle if they have
to.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Their domestic service professionals will change it.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Usually just one. However, they will need to clean the sockets, read
comparative consumer information about light bulbs, check the wiring and read
all the warranties, gaurantees and refund policies.
Q: How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, at least two to shop for the bulb, and a couple more to look for
accessories, and maybe a couple more to return the bulb if it didn't work and
do lunch.
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A Scorpio light bulb isn't changed. It's transformed. You just push a
button and activate the next life. Why do you ask? Are you a member of a law
enforcement agency?
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sagittarians don't change lightbulbs, but they can teach you how to do it,
for a fat fee.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Their secretaries will get back to you.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Aquarians don't have to change lightbulbs. They can invent better ones.
Q: How many Pisces does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There's a lightbulb?
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is
useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who
is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through
the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a
Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is
that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)
Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
A2: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
A3: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
A2: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.
A3: Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A2: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A3: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
A2: One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
A3: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
A4: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb ...
Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A2: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A3: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None --- they'd rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A2: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
A3: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.
A2: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A3: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A2: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A3: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A2: Huh? The light's out?
A3: None: only the inner light matters.
To flip through the pages of my BOS faster...
Door?
What is this???
Brightest of Blessings