This is for parents who already know they will have a stillborn or you are the parent of
any stage of preemie. As a parent of three micro preemies, I never thought once that
my children would die. However, I wish someone had given me this
information before hand so I would have been able to better use my time with them.

Disclaimer: What is written below is based on my own experience and or that of other
mothers I have talked to who have lost children, mainly infants by miscarriage,
stillbirth or neonatal losses. The people you are now and will become will be
changed forever because of the death of your child (ren). Don’t expect to be the
same as you were before.


Take lots of pictures or ask someone to do it for you. Take pictures of everything and I
mean everything. Hands, feet, fingers toes, eye, and ears…everything. You may
think right now that you don’t want to ever see them again, but in the future I
guarantee they will be a blessing to you.

Let family and friends come to see, hold and talk to your child (ren). I know this may be
a hard thing to do, but remember, they are excited about your child (ren) too.
Plus, it will make it more “real” to them as well.

Hold, kiss, sing, talk, bathe and dress your child (ren). Cherish these moments you have
to make lasting memories. The main thing is to look, really look at your child (ren)
and see him or her for who they really are. Your beautiful, loved and much wanted
child.

Take all the time you need and want with your child (ren), no matter what the hospital
staff says. If you let the nurses take the child (ren) away, you can always ask for
them back at any time. Some parents even keep their child (ren) in the room with
them until the funeral home comes to pick them up.

Decline drugs if you can. They can make you fuzzy and sleepy. This means that you
will lose precious time and memories with your child (ren).

Take hand and footprints and castings if you can.

Video tape your child (ren). These are precious and special moments that one-day you
may want to see again.

Bring a special blanket from home to have your child (ren) wrapped in after birth.

Unwrap your child (ren) and look, really look so you can memorize every part of his or
her body.

Have someone take pictures of you and Daddy holding the baby (ies) both together and
separate.

Cut a lock of hair.

Add special things in the pictures of your child (ren). A special blanket or teddy you
bought just for him or her, a toy or special outfit.


FUNERAL ~ MEMORIAL ~ BURIAL SERVICES

I know this is NOT what anyone wants to talk about or hear. Let alone do for their child,
but in this situation it is inevitable I am afraid.

For some parents, if you know ahead of time that these services will unfortunately be
needed, it has helped to do them ahead of time. Mainly because after the birth
you are not in any emotional shape to make these decisions.

Ask for your child (ren)’s body. If you can’t deal with the details of a burial or
cremation, ask a trusted friend or loved one to take care of it or at least help you with
the details. If you let the hospital take care of things, make sure you know how they
will handle the care of your child (ren).

If you feel comfortable enough, be the one to put your child (ren) in the casket and think
about having it open until the burial.

Write your own eulogy so you can get across to people what your children mean to you.
You can control this and for may grieving parents, this id the only thing you can
control right now.

Again, take pictures. These are ones you may never want to see again, but at least you
will have them if you ever want them.

GUILT

Guilt is one thing we as grieving parents cannot get away from. No matter what, you will
feel a bit of guilt for something you did or didn’t do. Most of this guilt makes no
sense, but neither does losing your child. There are many things above that I was
able to do for my children during their very short lives and for that I feel very
blessed. There are also many things I did not do because I either couldn’t handle it
at the time or had no idea I could actually do. For all of these things I feel guilt.
Well placed or not, we all have guilt over the loss of the children we love so much.
Your job now is to not let that guilt run your life. Yes, there is still life after this
and you have to choose, and I mean choose to make it a good one. It will be hard, I
promise you that, but it will also be worth it to show others how they can rise from
the ashes and live again. May God bless you and keep you…

If you are a parent who has gone through this and has found things that have helped you.
Please email me so we can share it with others.

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