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Flash Gordon: SeanBaby Review

 

 


"Put down your weapons! Nobody. But nobody - dies in the palace without a command from the emperor." 		"Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York Jets."
The earth is just an obscure body in the SK system that's been giving Emporer Ming so much amusement lately, but I think Flash has a higher opinion of it. He likes football, he likes earth chicks, and he doesn't like Hot Hail. So now he has to decide whether or not to bonk Ming's bald head or watch the moon run into Earth. Maybe you've never seen a movie before, but I'm going to assume you know which one he chooses. Sure, he's just a man with a man's courage. Nothing but a man. But he can never fail. No one but the pure at heart may find the Golden Grail... there was no grail in the movie, but those are actually the unfortunate lyrics to the theme song. Please don't think I'm doing anything but loving that song, but the lyrics do demand some sort of new adjective to describe their craziness. So they're Gronzokian. King of the impossible!
Look, fellows! Would you like to be the first kid on your block to know the Flash Gordon theme song lyrics? Click here!

 

"You can't beat the human spirit!"
You realize that after this movie, Sam Jones pretty much did Silk Stalkings cameos and sci-fi convention autograph signings. What the fuck?! Look at that guy! Look at the movie he made! I say that guy should be making ten million a movie! He should have an entourage to fight off screaming girls, and we should all be wearing Flash t-shirts with lightning bolts on the back. The New York Jets should change their name to the New York Flash Gordons. Maybe you people don't understand how cool this guy is, but I do. And for those who doubt the coolness of Flash, just read this sample of the film's dialogue:

Flash: "Any problems fellas?"
Pilot 1: "A bit of clear air turbulence. Nothing serious."
Pilot 2: "But nothing you'd want to toss a third down pass through, either! Would you like to autograph this for my kid, Mr. Gordon?"
Flash: "Glad to. What's his name?"
Pilot 2: "Buzz."
Yeah! The kids name is Buzz! And don't tell me you aren't completely lucid on the situation after hearing that description from the pilot. "It's not serious, but not something you'd want to toss a third down pass through, either." Bam! Instant clarity. We don't have any more questions about the turbulence because that guy is the most articulate pilot in the sky. His choice of words are perfect! If the pilot said "second down pass," we'd all be confused. This is just an example of the brilliant scripting we're treated to in this film. And his kid's name is Buzz. Buzz.
"I love you, Flash, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!"

 


"Ah ha! I thought it was one of the prime numbers of the Zenith series!"		 "No! Not the bore worms!"
Just in case I didn't make myself clear and you're still not sure whether or not Flash Gordon is worth watching every day for the rest of your life, I have three words for you. Max Von Sydow. Film students and other literate cinema fans know Max from The Seventh Seal. He played chess with Death. Also, if you're just one of those people who only watches movies when they're on TNT because you're a white trash waste of oxygen, then you might recognize his cat stroking ass from Never Say Never Again. He's awesome, but I think it's kind of unfair who he has to go up against. First it was Death, then it was James Bond, and here it's Flash fucking Gordon! You can't expect him to win. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that Timothy Dalton's pansy ass was in this movie. He was James Bond once. When the world began to chant, "Geek!" in unison, I guess the 007-let's pump out rehashed formulated crap-movie team got the message and replaced him. So, Timmy Dalton is not the main reason I recommend Flash. He can kick a little ass on a moving spiked platform, but he's kind of whipped by his lady. Don't be too judgemental, though. His girlfriend is Princess Aura. I don't think I can describe the scene where she gets strapped down and whipped without taking at least one hand off the keyboard.
"Long live Flash, you've saved your Earth. Have a nice day."
"Yeah!!!"