Life In My Head

7.2.05
The strangest thing has been happening lately. I'm craving drinks I hate. And its not just that my taste buds are changing. I have always disliked store bought chocolate milk. For me it was always to thick. If I had chocolate milk at all I would have to mix it myself. However, for the past couple of weeks I have drank more chocolate milk then I think I have my whole life. and I still don't really like the stuff. With that I've been drinking unflavored ice tea. Which I've never liked and still don't. Now I know what your thinking and I'm not pregnant. I'm sure of that. I'm just baffled by my taste buds.

6.19.05
Lately I've gotten into reading the newspaper and have since learned alot of interesting stuff. Did you know the G8 (consisting of the most 8 powerful nations - I think its something like US, Great Britain, Japan, Canada and probably France, Russia, Germany, and possibly Italy - but don't quote me on that), well, they decided to cancel all third world debt. Its just gone, poof. If you didn't knwo thats OK because it was buried deep in the paper and didn't even show up on yahoo most popular.

Also, "Lincoln Middle School in Vista, CA has adopted a policy of 'open access' for its gifted education program because the program, in previously admitting only gifted students, was 'closed to most students'"

and finally, "Police surrounding a house in a two-hour standoff in Danbury, NH, pretended to leave and then arrested the suspect as he tiptoed away from the house.

There's other stuff but I can't remember everything that caught my attention. Other nonarticle things I've noticed are how boring the sunday headlines have been. For example, the Sun-Times for today was "What Billy Corgan really wants?" Who the hell cares? well at least not me. Second, how a normal page might have two tiny little articles in the corner and then be covered with ads. Its disappointing.

5.21.05
Everyone wish my younger brother Doug a Happy Birthday. Other than that I graduate tomorrow. Both fun and scary. My family will be up to celebrate with me. Is it strange that I've wished for a very long time that tomorrow would not come. I've been trying to look at my life in proactive terms. To look at what I can effect. But I'm still scared to death. Hopefully in the next few weeks those feelings will begin to go away. As I move into my new place and start working full time, my life might begin to show a bit more structure. Hopefully.

4.6.05
Here's a shocker. I actually liked the movie Dodgeball. Who would have thought it. Most movies of this genre (ie Old School, Zoolander, etc) I usually don't find all that funny. Zoolander was simply just insipid while Old School may have only been funny to its target audience (mainly males). However, in Dodgeball they don't just use redone physical comedy but also interspurse that with alot of wit. Furthermore, the gags they do use are all incredibly well timed. I found myself laughing at jokes that in other movies have made me groan.

3.22.05
I just finished watching Tuck Everlasting which could have been a good movie if it wasn't for the annoying voice overs and oversentimentality. I read the book when I was little so of course this gives me a bit of bias towards the movie. The fact that they made Winnie 4 years older so she could bring in the teenage audience and have a sappy sweet romance with Jesse Tuck. It was hard for me to watch the romance without thinking of statatory rape. Except for the fact, and because it was a disney movie, it seems Jesse, who has lived for 104 years, doesn't even think about sex. Actually, I think that it was disney's involvement which ruined the movie. They were so afriad of taking a risk with all the questions posed in the book that instead they only grazed the surface and gave half-assed answers. the subject matter deserves a much more in depth look even for a children's movie. The movie fears dealing with the issue so instead it takes forever to get to the point and once its their it rushes to the ending.

1.23.05
Thank the lord it finally stopped snowing. I couldn't believe it. It was quite an adventure leaving the house yesterday to go workout. I'm not sure how much there was but it kept me from going to Jason's last night. Hopefully that's it. Hopefully.

1.18.05
I should be going to karate now. But I'm kinda transfixed. I sometimes feel guilty about the way TV and movies makes me feel. I sometimes feel differently towards different people based on what I watched and the emotions it stirred in me. Why do I need a movie to feel these things. They never stick though. Never last that long. maybe a few hours maybe longer. If I daydream something but when it really happens I act different or want different things. which is real. If I'm daring and impolsive in my dreams but quiet and scared in reality which one is the real me. Am I not allowing a part of me to be seen or if I do am I trying to be something I'm not. Why do I feel so uncomfortable and fake when I follow my daydreams. Who am I? I don't know this person I've lived with for 22 years. Yesterday at 6:30pm I took a shower, shaved my legs, blow dried my hair, put on make up and jewelry all because I didn't want to be ugly. I didn't like feeling ugly. It didn't change me. Today I bought a tube of lipstick that I probably will only wear about once in the next five years. Why? I don't often try to change myself, yet I'm not myself. Who is me? Why did I bury myself. When did I let go of me. How old was i. 10? maybe. 13? more likely. I should be at karate now. It was a good movie. What if I'm wrong. What if learning about me means giving up everything I have now. I guess it already gave me up so that I could find out. There are things that make me happy. I don't want to lose them. Its so much safer to not question. This process is long and arduous and repetitive. Who would stand by me through that. Its too late to go now. Though I can still make it to the next class. I live my life in fear. so afraid. so afraid. so afraid. there's nothing there to fall on. there's nothing there. Its just me and I don't even know who I am. How can I rely on someone I never met. There's just me. so much yet so little. it could be all gone. all gone. if I let go. If I make the leap of faith. if I trust. someone I never met. what will happen. how will it happen. big leaps don't change anything. its little things day after day after day. little things that change everything. little things. life forced. forced in a direction. changed. change what? start where? start small. something manageable. If I do something impulsive it doesn't make me impulsive. maybe its all just wrong. maybe my decision are wrong my choices. maybe its not me I have to change but where I am. maybe. would I be happy. is this what makes me passionless. my choices. I should be going now the next class will be starting soon. I must be going. I should get up. why do I not want to go. It makes me feel so sad so helpless so wrong. I don't like that feeling. Im tired of feeling wrong. I must get going now. Class will be starting soon.

12.25.04
Merry Christmas everyone. Well It was snowing outside the last time I looked (granted that was a few hours ago). So we got to have a white Christmas. I am at work right now. Its going rather slow and I'm already a couple hours ahead. so the nights going to be quiet (hopefully). I went home for a week. Ok more like 5 days. I took the train down on Sunday and came back last night. I had a good time down in southern illinois. My mom and I went to go see Bridget Jones 2 which I have to say I liked more seeing it the second time. This time I was able to just enjoy the fun moments instead of hoping that it'll be as good as the first. Other then that I just did a lot of shopping. I had to get all the gifts for the family. However, even with all the shopping I still haven't bought anything for any of my friends up in Chicago. I guess I'll have to do that this coming up week. Yesterday morning my family exchanged presents. We first had a nice brunch with my younger brothers girlfriend and my older brothers fiance (yep Mike's engaged. Yay! I get to be a bridesmaid). After eating we exchanged presents. I got my mom the movies Rain Man and Girl with a Pearl Earring and I chipped in for the DVD player. My mom loved her presents though I believe she was a little disappointed that all her gifts centered around movies (we all got her dvd's so that she had something to watch on the new DVD player). I got mike a couple of t-shirts. Doug got a picture he had asked for and Laura got a matching set of hats, gloves, and scarves. As for me, My mom got me some socks, a cute white sweater and this really nice clock. Laura and mike got me two books The Princess Bride and Good Carbs, Bad Carbs. and Doug got me Mean girls. I really like all of my gifts which I think hasn't happened in a while. So I'm happy. And that's my Christmas.

12.18.04
Why does it always snow when I'm traveling. God definitely has a sense of humor. I'm feeling better. Life has calmed down and I'm returning to myself. I'd like to say that I know all things will come out for the best. But I don't know. I do hope, though. And I believe that even if it isn't for the best, I'll be ok. I'm just going to continue to keep my fingers cross for everything to end the way I want it to. But we'll see. Other then that I've learned that craps is a dirty dirty game.

12.8.04
I wish I had someone to talk to. I know that its becuase I choose not to talk rather than no one being there to talk to. However, I still wish it. How do I just let go? I realize that this quietness of mine. This inability to let people in is in fact one of the major reasons why I'm so lonely. I know people like me. at least on a superficial level. Hell maybe they do know me and I just like to pretend that I'm all deep and stuff. You never know. Its hard to trust. Oddly enough its not so much that I distrust the people I'm talking to as it is that I distrust what I'm saying. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I just feel that most hte time when I'm trying to say something or some ones asking me a question I forget that they don't already know whats going on in my head and I have to spell it out for them. And that's where it gets hard. These feelings scare me and worry that if I let them out they'll be out of my control. I wish I was in control now. I wish I had some sort of influence over how things are going to turn out. I'm doing a lot of wishing today aren't I. I guess sometimes its not a bad thing. It just hurts having all of these wishes that aren't coming true. I just need some sort of stability in my life. Something that will be there for me. Crazy to think that I might be there for me. Actually I think that I've been there for me enough. I'm scared fo the unknown. I don't like it when I don't have control. I'm lazy and unmotivated. I don't floss and rarely clean up. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life (part of the unmotivated thing). I have no passions. I watch too much TV. Am too quiet for my own good. Set goals but do nothing to reach them. freak out when things don't look good. I can be clingy. Sometimes feel superior to those around me. Bad at finding resolutions to problems, actually most of the time I just let things go and hope they resolve themselves (really bad philosophy when it comes to money). I find excuses for why I can't do things. I'm horrible at making decisions. I can be incredibly whiny. I tend to go with the mood of those around me. have very little confidence in my own ideas are rarely speak up for the ones I have. Continually forget little things and am horrible about writing things down. Really I've glided along my whole life on my intelligence without ever really challenging myself. I'm the bare minimum type of person. I'm horrible about writing conclusions on papers becuase usually I get so annoyed with writing that I just stop somewhere near the end. Now lets see if I can do something with this mess.

11.13.04
So I was working on getting more pix up on this site (which by the way takes forever). When I completely killed my computer. As in it won't even let me in. We'll see if I can get it fixed but trust me I'm not happy about this. Other then that, things are going well. I'm at my new job right now. I started working at UIC hospital last weekend. My job is fun. Though I think it might take me a little while to get used to it. In the evening all I have to do is answer phones so when no ones calling I have nothing to do. As now. Tonight Andrius, Nick, Rita and I are all going to see Motorcycle Diaries, a movie I know absolutely nothing about. Hopefully it will be good. I kinda want to see the new Bridget Jones movie even though I've been informed that it got horrible reviews. But honestly how much can I trust these critics. Isn't there whole job to not be impressed. We'll see. I'll probably end up seeing it at sometime. knowing me. Other then that I'm worried about finances. I constantly go over all the money I have plus what I'm supposed to earn minus what I need to pay to survive just to make sure that it all adds up to becky will have a place to live and food to eat. These are the important factors. I am very worried though. I have no savings and no place to go. So once school's over I'm all on my own and its up to me to make it all work. hopefully everything will work itself out. I just wish I had some sort of safety net. That would make me feel much better.

11.04.04
Well the semester is in its second half and with that comes complete chaos. Projects, presentations, and exams along with everything I need to do for Karate. To top it all off I'm starting a new job. Excited? yes. Worried? yes. We'll see how it goes.

April-October