3.31.04
Wow was that ever a culture shock. I just came home from a poetry open mic where most of the people were speaking out against conservatives and establishment. And when I walked in the room my roommate was talking about voting republican and being conservative. It's hard for to move so quickly between two different realities. But I think the hardest part tonight was listening to all the poetry. All the people who cared so much about a specific point that they were compelled to spill their heart out on paper. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I miss feeling deeply about something. A part of me really wanted to go and write poetry after listening to them but just sitting here I'm left with not knowing what to write. Poetry to me must naturely flow. I can't force it. The more I force it the worse it is. Becuase its not true. I think that's something I need to force myself to do. I need to take the time to truly look inside of me and let whatever is there come out. The point is not to be deep or pain-ridden or broken or in love. the point is to be true. I realized that from a poem someone read. A lot of the poems read tonight were just about what was going on in the head of the person when they wrote that. I've forgotten how to do that. Its funny though since I try to consistently write in this journal. I need to take the time to really learn what's going on inside of me.
3.28.04
So the tournament is finally over. Thank the Lord. The day was rather bumpy. It wasn't too bad getting everything set up but at the beginning of the tournament no one knew what exactly was going on. It took us a little while to get everything organized. But once the sparring started everything fell into place. I had many more people then expected for pizza and we ended up having to order more. I don't think anyone was upset about it though. And since Loyola paid $50 of it everyone was happy that it was cheaper then before. So for the most part the tournament was a success. Chris came up and said he had a lot of fun. It was good to see him but I felt like I wasn't much of a hostess. He also gave me a fresh perspective on how everything went. Which was much needed. Today, we're celebrating Andrius's dad's birthday. Nick and Mike are cooking food. Apparently we should be eating around 5. In a couple of days I'm going to start working on what needs to be done for next year. It feels good to not be under the gun anymore.
3.24.04
We got the funding!! Yay!! Thanks so much Josh, Erica, and Sara you helped me out so much. So the tournaments a go. Tomorrow night we'll be doing the preliminary rounds. The more I think about it the more I realize its not the greatest idea logistically. Its a great idea to be able to advertise the medal rounds but I don't think doing the events tomorrow will go very smoothly. I don't know maybe it will. I just have to figure out how everythings going to flow. That's my job. Other then that I just found out some wonderful news. My friend Chris from high school is going to come up for the tournament. I'm really excited to see him again. So it'll make things a little more hectic on Saturday but if I can actually get everything planned then I should hopefully be able to get it all done. Other then that I had my interview today. And I think the best way to describe it is that I'm being caustiously optimistic. I have the worry that I still might not get it, but the interview went so well. We'll see what happens. I find out April 2nd which is a week from this friday. I can't believe its almost April. School's almost over and I'm looking forward to this summer. I'm looking forward to being able to go to New York City with Andrius and Nick over summer. I'm still planning on doing that. I think it'll be hard to coordinate but I'm still committed to going. These past couple days have really just been great days. Which is good because I really needed this after last week. Oh and another happy point. Last night, this woman whose a executive coach (mainly she helps rich people get top end jobs) came to my Management class. when I told her that I was completely directionless in my life now she gave me her card and told me to give her a call and we can talk about career plans. How cool is that!! She couldn't have come at a better time. So my life is looking pretty up right now. :) I couldnt' be happier.
3.23.04
Ok so a few things have happened over the past 10 days. I'll start with the fact that the tournament didn't get funded. This means we have to appeal (=big headache for becky). I was rather upset after finding out we didn't get the money but have since then decided to give over the responsibilities of talking at the appeal to the vice president. I'm too emotionally involoved in this to be the one speaking. I might cry or get angry or something and then not only ruin are chances of getting funding for this year but also for following years. On a more positive note, I got back are annual budget for next year and every event was approved except for one of our self defense seminars. Another karate related incident happened this week, I jammed my finger while sparring Eugene on Saturday. Oh well, its getting better.
3.13.04
I got my blue belt today. Yay me. The assessment actually wasn't that bad. I realized why it is that rear defenses, kata, and manipulations are the things I like doing. Its because no ones hitting me. makes sense. I'm tired now so I'm not going to say much. Have a fun evening all. maybe I'll be more interesting on some other day. Toodles
3.12.04
It's done!! The annual budget was turned into today, and on time. go me. That's one less thing for me to worry about. Now we just have to go in and defend what we asked for. Hopefully shouldn't be too bad. the fun of being president. Oh well at least its done. I hope everyone has a great day. TA
3.9.04
Today's my older brother's bday. So happy bday Mike. I hope you enjoy 24. Now since I did an unusual amount of writing in the past few days I really don't feel much like thinking. However, I ran across this passage in the book I was reading and since it fit many conversations I've been having lately about exactly love is I thought I'd share it with everyone.
An excerpt from the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
My friend, love is a verb. Love--the feeling--is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?
In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.
Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrificed for it. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subsordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling can be recaptured.
3.1.04
Today was the first day of Spring Break. I've vowed not to spend my whole spring break inside on the computer so today I went walking around evanston. Tomorrow I'm going to go shopping downtown. I need to find a pair of jeans that are hopefully both affordable and good looking. We'll see if this happens. Then on Wednesday I'm going to Shedd Aquarium with Josh. I haven't yet decided what I'm going to do on Thurs or Fri but it will not be sitting around. Anyways, other then that I finally know what day I'm going up for Blue. it'll be March 13th. Here's the fun part though. Sensei Jeff said from what he's seen of me I should just breeze right through the assessment. How great is that!
2.25.04
I guess sooner or later I should update this journal huh? Hmmm...in two days will be Andrius's and my 5 month anniversary. craziness. The number seems so wierd. Its such a small number and yet its the longest relationship I've ever had. Its insignificant and significant all at the same time. I love the fact that I can share so many firsts with him. We decided we're going to do an at home date. Possibly cook, watch a movie, and spend time being with each other. Sounds good to me. Sooner or later I'll actually get the date for my blue belt assessment. Sensei Jeff and I have talked about either the first or second Saturday of March (both of which are coming up quickly). I'm trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I've been working out alot. I think the worst thing about assessments is that you really can't self-assess. If I was able to know about where I stood then I'd know what needed work and what I was stable in. We're all told that assessments are used just to see where a person is. Then why do we schedule them as going up for the next rank. Wouldn't it make more sense to have set days where alot of people go up or more surprise assessments or something. Or not to call them "going up for blue" Can't we just say "the sensei need to see where I am"? The only real consolation I have is that knowledge of how many people didn't make it thier first time up for a belt. But this is me and one thing I've never been able to take is failing. Actually that's not true. I can't take losing. Losing to someone bothers me so much more then failing ever did. Ask anyone who's played cards with me. I get cranky if I lose. But failings different. Failings something I've always felt that I could do something about. Failings all in my control. Except of course when I have no idea what the criteria for passing is. Then I get bothered. hence now. Maybe I'll be able to smile through my assessment like I did for green. That's possibly the only thing that will get me thru it. I hope I don't piss off any Black Belts because that would suck. I need to talk to Sensei Jeff about manipulations. I just wish I knew what they were looking for. but I can't possibly. All I can do is compare myself to other green belts and then to some blue belts and try to understand where I fall. Of course then I get in trouble for self assessing. But really I hate being this self-unaware. I hate not knowing where i fit. Not being able to control my Promotion or what not. Its that control that really drives me insane about these things. with school if I do well or do poorly its all becasue of what I choose to do. I know this and accept it and know how to make it work in my favor. I know how to control what I fail and what I pass. Its not self-assessment that I'm interested in; its self-awareness.
2.16.04
My friend Katie's boyfriend recently broke up with her. I know what she's going thru and its not pretty. Its a pain I don't want to have to go thru again. Upon hearing this news I felt a deep sense of empathy. I really want to talk to her right now and be able to comfort her and understand what exactly happened. All of this is an interesting reaction compared to what I've been feeling regarding her for the past school year. Katie and I have been friends since freshmen year. We talked and hung out alot the first year and then roomed together the second. This year she's in France. We've spoken semi-regularly the first semester but since I've had no internet I have not been able to talk to her on AIM this semester. I have been able to sorta keep up with whats going on with her by reading her online journal. This is where I heard about the break up. A part of me is glad they're over. It means I was right. When I first heard Katie talk about her boyfriend she sounded very over the top in a way that made it not ring true to me. It was TOO good. but what if it wasn't. A part of me knew it would never last. And another part of me was jealous if it did. She talked about the relationship as if it was a fairy tale. He was her Prince Charming. She used those exact words. She was so happy and so in love. and I resented her for it. I wanted the fairy tale. And even though I knew that that isn't what love is, the longer they stayed together the less proof I had. I'd had my all consuming relationship and it left me so broken and bitter at the end of it I'd sworn off dating for a good year. And now I was faced with a friend of mine going thru the same emotions I had. I knew in my head that it probably wouldn't last (paired up with everything else they had an ocean between them, literally). But I kept doubting and wondering what if it did. I got a broken heart but she would get a prince charming. And that bothered me. There's other reasons why I didn't like this guy. Katie's been incredibly home sick and I've blamed it on him. And I do still believe it was his fault. I'm angry with this guy for not doing what was best for Katie. She didn't need to be planning for the future and constantly conversing with him. She needed to be out experiencing Europe spending her time adjusting and enjoying the many things around her. This guy who was supposedly more mature then she was was acting very selfish. And she was being hurt by this. In the long run I don't think this guy will matter as much as spending a year in France will, however she gave him the priority. I just hope that now that its over she'll be more able to fully enjoy her time there. Sure I know it will take a bit of recoup time. It always does. But hopefully it won't take the rest of her time in Europe.
Beyond all that, this weekend was Valentine's Day. Yay!!!!! It was amazing. I was so freaking happy all night long. I couldn't stop smiling. Andrius wanted to do all the planning for the night which was fine by me. He picked this wonderful French (used to be Italian) restaurant in Evanston. The food was absolutely incredible. The meat was so juicy and tender and mixed with a sweet so just completely melted in my mouth. Oh and I can't forget this part, the Flowers!!! I'll have to put the pictures up because there's no good way for me to describe them. But the bouquet was huge. It scares me everytime I think about how much he probably spent on me. I'm going to have to find a way to make it up to him. I'm glad I took him out the week before otherwise I might be feeling extra guilty right now.
2.12.04
My roommates car got smashed into a couple days ago. They stole her car stereo. I have a presentation due in about a half hour. and I'm hungry, but won't have time to get anything to eat before Karate. Not good. Maybe I could grab something during class break. We'll see. Other then that not much has been going on with me. I have to go pick up my film in development this weekend so hopefully soon I'll have some new picks up. Its kinda hard getting pics up on the internet since my computer no long connects. I'm trying to think if I have anything else to say. I don't think so. My lifes a bore. Sorry, TA
2.09.04
I registered to vote in Chicago today. How fun is that. apparently my voter registration card will be sent to me by mail. I had previously been registered to vote in my home town. The Karate Lock-in was this weekend and it was a huge success. I spent the majority of the evening playing poker and losing at Yahtzee. the next morning I went to mass with Dmitriy. We found out a little late that it was a Spanish mass. It was actually quite interesting though. I know very little spanish (but I do know the sign of the cross). And I realized that Sonto (or possibly Santo) means holy. Kirby got her black belt this saturday. I was her assistant for the evaluation. It was pretty cool I got the best view in the place. Possibly except for the board. Although with my view I got to see both Kirby and the boards reaction. so its a toss up. But it was very cool none-the-less (is that one word? I don't know). Oh, here's some interesting news. I took Andrius out to dinner Friday night. I had been wanting to do something my treat for a while now. The only thing stopping me was a whole mixture of problems. First I needed to figure out what I wanted to do. Then I need to figure out a time we could do it. last I needed the money for it. So finally this friday my paycheck came in and I was able to take him out to this restaurant (his choice). The pasta there was delicious. We went to a place called Gateway Bar and Grill. It had a great atmosphere with white table cloths and candles (not really what you'd expect from a bar and grill). They also had live jazz music. It was really a lot of fun. Yeah. I like being able to go out with him. It's a nice way to change things up.
2.01.04
Ok well I needed to do this before I went to sleep and forgot about everything I was just thinking. Horribly enough I don't think I'll be able to have everything flow the same wat it did a minute ago before I was typing. Anyways, here's a shot. Basically my musings are about God and Religion. In specific what I believe. I figure the best way to figure all this out is just to start typing (or really, to continue thinking) about it. I've never had a problem believing in the existence of God not the concept of religion. There's been evidence found of Cro-Magnon people burying their dead with flowers and musical instruments giving rise to the theory that religions been around since really the beginning of man. And along with that how many freakin religions are there out there. Granted I understand that believing in something just because the masses say its so is not a good idea. Its kind of like understanding why things like the rainforest are so important. Those trees were there long before me and (giving people don't screw it up) they'll be there long after me. Anything that survives a few thousands years should at least earn some respect if not belief. The thing that gets me is the belief that one religion is dominant over another. To me they're pretty much all the same. And I find it the oddes that Christians have the hardest time seeing this. We're the people who somehow can accept the fact that three entities exist as one but yet we are unwilling to fathom that Allah and God the Father might actually be the same being. And lets look at this logically. If Christ is God the Father is Holy Spirit. Then couldn't Yahweh be God the Father be Allah. And why don't we just throw in Buddah and all those Native American gods for good measure. They all pretty much say the same thing. Now granted I don't really know the specifics of what all these religions say. But I'm pretty sure its some where along the lines of "Be good to your fellow man" Basically, being a good person and helping others seems to be a common theme (in at least the ones I know about) So how is it so far fetched to assume that the same God spoke to all these different people. Now I happen to subscribe to Christianity, or at least I thought I did. That lately has been brought into question. mainly by a group of born-again Christians and some rather annoying Catholics. These people made me question whether or not I wanted to consider myself a Christian any longer. Now that kinda pisses me off. Its not that I'm questioning my beliefs really, more my ability to consider myself a part of this religion. And I really don't know how to answer that. I've been thinking about Non-Denominational Christians lately and pretty much seeing them as up there with Born-Againers. This is pretty much because all the born-again ones considered themselves Non-Denominational. And I think I might have at least more of a grasp as to why they bother me. They're a whole bunch of people who are obsessed with absolutely no where to go with it. No real direction. No one really leading the way. This is how they end up so screwy. I've only met a slim amount of catholics that scare me. This might be of course due to where I was raised. Catholicism in Southern IL is pretty much all based on love. Everything you learn is some how derived from love. And everyone I know that decided to distance themselves from the church did so because either (a) they were rebelling or (b) it wasn't always fun. None of the people I knew at home left the church for ideological reasons. They might have said they did but really they just wanted to sleep around and drive drunk. Trust me very few rich white teenagers in the middle of S IL actually have ideologies. Ok now lets see if I can figure out what my point was. Hold on let me reread. I actually think the concept of Non-Denominational is actually good. And most likely where I'd put myself. But I think its best for people who believe Jesus was God and that's pretty much it. It should be like the default Christianity. The LCD. You can believe the absolute minimal about christianity and be considered non-denominational. This actually isn't a bad thing. It works for all those people who are essentially good people but don't always believe in any of the formed Christianity denominations. And I respect those people. I guess I just feel that once you rise too far above that baseline (believing in predestination and that all none christians go to hell is considered far above that baseline) then I feel its best to be able to give people some sort of direction. Actually at this point I'm not to sure if I even quite agree with my argument. Though somehow it makes sense to me. What I'm really trying to say is that anyone leaving that much room open can truly lead to some pretty crazy things. But I thin all in all I still consider myself Catholic. because so much of what I believe now is based off of what I was taught growing up. And yes I do realize that according to the church I'm living in sin. But the Church also says that a person should always follow thier conscience. And I guess also because I don't define Catholicism by its rules I define it by its heart. I can count on a thumb how many instances I've come across where catholism didn't have a warm and caring heart. And I can't ignore the countless charity organizations, some of which I helped with, run by Catholics. I mean I served on soup buses, visited children with AIDS, bought Christmas gifts for needy children and all in the name of Catholism. And not once in all that time did we ever preach. That wasn't what we were about. We were about helping others. I never once during all of grade school or high school (my most religious times) ever sat down in a bible study group. Because the point was never to study it. The point was to live it. OK well now I'm just rambling and I'm very tired. Maybe I'll pick back up later. rather doubtful actually. I hope so though. There's still alot I need to figure out. TA though
1.29.04
Well yesterday was fun. I spent the entire day in Andrius's apartment. On Monday night Andrius's eyeball was scratched and he hasn't been able to open his eyes since. So I decided that it would be good for me to stay with him and help him with things. So I had a very lazy day. I got far in my puzzle though. I just got off the phone with him and I found out that his eye is now infected. I hope this doesn't impair his vision.
1.26.04
Happy B-Day to my mom. a little late. She'll be getting my present soon. Hopefully. Anyways, I'm trying to figure out which song to download for my cell phone. I've got it down to Cheers theme, Take On Me, and Fraggle Rock. I think Fraggle Rock is going to win out. Other then that I'm incredibly hungry right now to the point where its hard to type. Sadly enough I don't get outta work til 7 but I think I'm going to hop over to the cafe in btwn switching offices. I have to write my resume tonight which I'm not looking forward to at all. hopefully it won't kill me. Nick offered his help with it so I'm not as worried as I would have been. Plus its just a draft. My paycheck still hasn't come in. This is a problem. I'm in desperate need of funds. Hopefully, whatever the problem is will be straigtened out before the next paycheck is to arrive. I must be going now. Thanks for listening.
1.22.04
The thing about my boss is this. I always feel that she's upset with me for something. Even though she never says it. I feel like she thinks I'm a slacker who's not doing my job. But even if that is how she feels she (1) has never said anything to me even resembling that thought, and (2) Has absolutely no justifiable way for feeling that. Its true that I do waste time reading and doing things on the internet but that's only because even after my repeated inquiry she was unable to produce anything for me to do. Maybe its just all in my mind. I'm not used to being allowed to slack off around the boss. Its probably just paranoia. Hopefully. Anyways, I'm going to try not to worry about it until she says something.
1.21.04
OK here's the deal. Bethany's computer won't let me into my website. I dont' know why. It might have something to do with her firewall. But really I'm just speculating there. So that's why I haven't up dated in a while. Anyways, yesterday I dissected a pigs heart. Interesting. Dissecting really isnt' that bad. The only thing I dont' like about it is the smell. I'm trying to think of what else is going on in my life right now. The annoying part is that I usually have a lot of things to say until of course I sit down at the computer then I forget it all and spend the time trying to remember what it is I wanted to talk about. Karate is getting better. I dont' know how much better. But at least I'm not leaving in tears anymore. I spent way too much on groceries this weekend so will not be going out to eat for a while. Which isnt a bad thing when you consider I really don't have money to go out anyways. I'm trying to wake up everyday by 10am. It doesn't always work but I am getting better. I'm also only taking stairs to class. This comes about mainly from the fact that by the time I get to Andrius's apartment I'm usually out of breath from climbing only 3 flights of stairs. So I'm going to try to do something about that. This saturday Andrius and I went to a party. I felt bad on two levels. First I didnt' fit in. I knew very few people there. and the people I did know (besides Andrius) were more like aquaintances then friends. So I spent most the party attached to Andrius's side. And when Andrius went to go so something on his own I commenced standing around like an idiot. The big thing was that even if I had just struck up a conversation with someone (as was suggested that I do) it would feel forced. And I just didn't feel like having to hide the fact that I was uncomfortable. The second thing that got to me was since I didnt feel like hiding my emotions it was rather easy for Andrius to tell that I didnt' want to be there. I didnt' want him to not have fun because of me. I know we left earlier then he would have if I hadn't been there. and I felt rather guilty because of it. This is what he wanted to do. And he deserves so much to go out and relax and have fun. Then I don't even let him do that. I just hated the feeling I got there. I felt like I was back in high school. I was more comfortable in the bathroom then I was with everyone else around. The next night was a lot of fun though. Because Monday was Martin Luther King Day we got the day off classes. So Sunday night Andrius, Nick, Bethany, Nick's brother Dan and I watched Finding Nemo and ordered in Pizza. It was such a relaxed night. we were able to talk and hang out and laugh. The movie wasn't heavy or serious, which is good. Then we all stayed over. That was fun. Well I need to get going my tummy's grumbling. Hope you enjoyed the ramblings of me.
1.15.04
Ok you know what the annoying thing is. The last past couple of days I'd actually tried to update my journal and for some reason was not able to open the page up. Grrrr. Ok anyways, I have a lot of stories to tell (well ok maybe just a couple). First we'll start with the ever so repulsive. My roommate from freshmen year is back. She's living in my building besides that. I first saw her on the saturday before classes started. However, I was hoping she was just here to visit an old friend. Nope. No such luck. I saw her again in the elevator and later walking to class. She's just popping up everywhere. When I first saw her I was completely shocked (she left loyola after a year, but apparently came back. I don't know the details. We don't talk) I said hi but she ignored me so that pretty much sets the stage for the rest of our interactions. Second story. My cell phone came in. Yea. So now I can make all those calls I'd been putting off. It's cool and colorful and all that fun stuff. Also last night I bought a 1000 piece Homer Simpson puzzle (Andrius isn't rubbing off on me at all) the cool thing about the puzzle is its a mosaic of the different scenes. When I'm finished I'll take a picture of it so everyone can see what I mean. Ok final story. I met this guy freshmen year. His name's Peter. He was funny and cute and never managed to remember who I was. There's a blow to my self-esteem. Well, this past Sunday I went to Crystal's pseudo-birthday party and he ended up coming. Surprise Surprise. Not surprisingly he had no idea who I was even though this was about the 10th time we had met. But the real surprise was that this was the first time he paid attention to me. Afterwards he had said he come visit me in my room but I didn't believe him. I actually ran walk by him in Damen a couple days later and he didn't notice me so I figured he'd forgotten me once again. That is of course until I came home from class on wednesday to a note saying he'd stopped by and left his number. Oh the irony of life. Right now everyones probably wondering about Andrius. A little after I came home Andrius called and I told him about the whole thing (ok so I scared him a little but that's just me not knowing how to communicate). I just think the whole thing is rather funny. I honestly couldnt' stop laughing. Oh my life. how you like to drive me insane. The good part is that I know that Andrius trusts me and I know that I can tell him things.
1.09.04
I'm at work and don't really want to write anything right now. But I feel like I've abandoned my journal for long enough that now I must put something down. I got into world cultures today. Which means I missed three classes of it. I called the professor and asked if it was even worth it for me to come to class and she said it was. Now I have to figure out how to audit the class. This way I can take the class for the fun of it. But this also screws up my work schedule. I'll have to rearrange it now. Damn. oh well. I'll see what I can do. Other then that things are going well. I need to get my clothes from Andrius's so that I can do laundry. I got money put on my meal card so now I can actually eat. Which is definitely a good thing since lately I've been really hungry and haven't been able to fill up. Well its more like I'd eat a little feel full (or more like I can't eat anymore) then be hungry again in about a half hour. I need to go to the store but I have no money to do so. Tomorrow's going to be boring becuase all my friends are going skiing and I'm not. I could have gone (except for the whole money thing) but I never skied before I hurt my knee so now I don't want to chance it after. Well right now I'm just babbling in order to put something down. I had an idea of adding a new page to the website. It would be a fun fact page of little factoids I pick up here and there. I'll see if I can get it started. The hard part is finding the factoids. Oh well. I have class in a half hour. I went to get my U-Pass today and the lady who took my picture didn't tell me when she was taking it I was just sitting there and all of a sudden she turned to me and said I was done. Not good. The picture is done so badly that I take up about a tenth of the picture and my face is pretty much whited out. Oh well. At least I didn't make the picture bad. I'm really in the mood for kool-aid right now. I thought I had left some in the apartment during christmas break but haven't been able to find it since being back. I have nothing to do at work today. Just sit her and write. Fun for me. Maybe I should be going now. If I have anything less interesting to say I'll make sure to put it down. Ta
