The Moon Is Made of Green Cheese
Once upon a time, when Margaret and I were fellow tutors in the far-away Land of Victoria University, some of our students were struggling with the alien concept of essay writing. We tried to teach them about structure to no avail. It was then that Margaret had the rather brilliant idea of presenting the students with examples of some of the various approaches one could take to a given topic and how that could be displayed in an introduction.
To achieve her purpose, Margaret solicited introductions from two eminent philosophers, and presented them alongside one from me, and one that Margaret wrote herself. We all addressed the same burning scientific, philosophical and theological issue: "The Moon Is Made Of Green Cheese. Discuss"
Herein are the four contributions. (Prizes will be awarded to anyone who can correctly identify the author of each of the four pieces.)*
Contribution 1: Return to Edam
It has long been part of our western tradition that the moon is made of green cheese. In more recent years, however, some scientists have challenged this belief, claiming instead that the moon is made of inorganic rock and dust. The purpose of this essay is to show that the supposedly scientific challenges to the moon’s composition are based on a fashionable, but false belief in the ‘big bang’ theory of creation, and that the wisdom of our received tradition holds strong in the face of the scientific onslaught.
The first part of this essay will set out the big bang theory and show how the assumptions underlying it are logically untenable. I will then go on to outline in some detail the evidence we have for the cheesiness of the moon’s structure, and the types of cheese with which the moon is made. This will include a brief examination of the dietary requirements of the man in the moon and Martians. Finally I will address the controversy surrounding the colour of the cheese, as its greenness is not self evident to our visual senses. In this section I will argue that ‘seeing is not believing’ and show how the refraction of the light rays from the moon distorts its perceived colour on earth. I will also show how the greenness of Martians can only be satisfactorily explained through their dietary intake of chlorophyl present in the moon’s cheese.
By refuting the current fashions in cosmology, and expounding the evidence for the moon’s cheesey structure, including a detailed argument for the greenness of the cheese, I hope to dispel all doubts that the moon is made of green cheese.
Contribution 2: The Moon is Made of Green Cheese
W.V.O. Quine, in his 'Two Dogmas of Empiricism', suggested that any language operates as a continuum, so that changes of meaning in one term occasion
consequential changes in others. Since Wittgenstein had already taught us that meaning is inseparable from use, if we accept both positions, both the
constituents of a sentence and its totality may under certain circumstances be subjected to radical changes of meaning sufficient to alter our 'everyday' understanding. The proposition before us may be taken at 'face value' only if we presuppose some language-game, some community that deploys that language-game and is skilled in it, and some ongoing collective conversational practice that legitimises it. 'True' and 'false' are inescapably culture-relative, like the meanings of terms. In any given community, the proposition before us is then assigned its truth-value. In the absence of a specification of that community and familiarity with its linguistic usage we can only guess at such truth-values, or superimpose presuppositions of our own. Let us now examine these issues more closely ...
Contribution 3: The Moon is Made of Green Cheese
Certain questions haunt the history of thought, being tackled in every age without definitive settlement, so that they need forever to be taken up anew. The Ontological argument for the existence of God is in this category, as are the questions whether a tree falling alone in a forest makes any sound and whether water goes in different directions down the plughole in northern and southern hemispheres. In this essay I will address what is probably the oldest of these conundra, whether the moon is really composed, as it appears, of well-matured Limburg or Gruyere or some other middle-range greenish cheese. I propose to argue (1) that things are ultimately as they seem, this principle being necessary if we are to think at all; (2) that the moon seems to be made of green cheese, as if obvious from the merest ocular inspection; and that (3) the conclusion follows from the conjunction of (1) and (2).
Contribution 4: The Moon is Made of Green Cheese
The theological implications of belief in the green and cheesy nature of the moon are not immediately apparent. Bringing these implications to the fore is thus an urgent task facing all serious students of theology. This essay will advance the thesis that popular belief in the moon's cheesy structure reinforces both ecclesiastical patriarchy and hierarchical power-mongering, and that it thus forms a central link in the church's now tenuous chain of
power. There is overwhelming scientific evidence refuting the mythical belief in the cheesiness of the moon, evidence which will be presented in the first part of this essay. By forcing the laity to accept that the moon is so constituted, through persecution and the encouragement of unreflective obedience, the clergy facilitate the acceptance of less outlandish, but nevertheless equally erroneous propositions about the nature of the deity. The final section of this essay will draw together scientific evidence and
theological reflection and will culminate in a call for the urgent reappraisal of this rotten pillar of the church.
* This offer excludes anyone who is or has been, or, conceivably, may in the future be included among family, friends, or students of any of the aforementioned authors, and all employees of Victoria University or any other educational establishment.
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