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After living for a few millennia, a person gets to know a lot about a variety of subjects. I've always beeen happy to share some of my knowledge with others. However, there is one secret that I have not shared untill now: The secret to my long life. Now is a time when people are being frozen on purpose so they can be unfrozen in the future. This is a time of cloning and face lifts and taking away and putting things into your body. I wouldn't be surprised if someday soon we'd find someone who had so much cosmetic enhancement, that they were made of over 50% synthetic materials! I figure letting out my secret is going to be a lot less harmful than people walking around with an artificial body. So, here it is;
How to live forever, or at least until you die
The first step to living forever, is to use one cool sounding word a day, like bruhaha or quizabuck. If you really can't find any good words, you can always look in dictionary. Back when I was a child, we didn't have dictionaries and thesaurusi. We only had four consonants and four vowels to work with: G, N, T, H, A, O, U, and Grunt, which has been expelled from the modern alphabet for failure to cooperate, but that's another story. As you can imagine, it didn't take long to run out of letter combinations. Some words that I made up, like oongh, had fifty seven different meanings. I had almost given up on cool new words, when a revolution swept out little village: a 26 letter alphabet! Now there were millions of combinations! I came up with a plethora of words, most of which were adopted into the english language, since nobody else would take them. My very favorite words, endoplasmic reticulum, applied to a paper cut on the tongue, but some scientist stole the word named a cell part after it, a travesty which I have never fully recovered from.
The second thing that you must do is not be a victim of accidents. Statistically speaking, accidents kill... a lot of people every day. It's much better to avoid them, anyway. A major way to lessen accidents is to USE COMMON SENSE! Things such as placing a match on that unidentified liquid or duct taping yourself to the top of a train are accidents that could easily be avoided if you first use your head. Of course, if you are dumb enough to try those things in the first place, perhaps you shouldn't be living at all, let alone for an eternity. But none of this advice is worth the paper it's printed on ...Get it? it's not printed on paper! HAHAHAHAHA! *slaps knee* Sometimes I just crack myself up!...HAHAHA-*cough* Anyway, it's not worth the paper it's printed on without the essential step to immortality, which is...
Drink a potion that makes you immortal, preferably one where you can only be killed by having your head chopped of on the roof of a train traveling exactly 56.2 mph to Tulsa, or something similarly implausable. If yo can only get the kind that will let you live until something else kills you, then be especially careful to follow step two.
So, there you have it, my secret to a long life. I hope they work for you as the have for me.
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