Nar: And now on BBC1 we are going over to Boggleminster in Russex for the first of our brand new series of courtrooms dramas called the trial. We feel that we must warn you that this programme does contain bad jokes and awful acting.
Official: The accused will stand. Are you Freda Olive Opal Loot?
FOOL: Yes, but call me Fool, everyone else does. I was actually named after my uncle Fred, but being a girl they had to call me Freda rather than Fred for obvious reasons. And my dad had a fascination with Popeye and wanted to call me Popeye but my mum said we couldn’t, for obvious reasons, so I was called Olive, and then the Opal because it was my dads favourite sweet, well opal fruits were but he thought that Freda Olive Opal Fruit Loot sounded a bit excessive. And I’m called Loot for obvious reasons, Loot being my father and mothers surname. But if you take the first letter from each word you Get Fool- Freda, Olive, Opal Loot, Fool
Official: Yes thankyou Ms. Loot! So we have established your identity. You are charged with unlawfully taking goods up to the value of £929.14. which was the property of a Ex-pensive Stores Ltd. How do you plead?
FOOL: You sort of get down on your knees and ask for something really nicely…….. oh I see! Lots of people borrow things , my neighbour for example, he borrowed my husbands lawn mower back in 1947 and he only returned it last week, and my niece, I was talking to her about library books and she told me that she’d managed to get a fine into three figures. That’s a very overdue Library book.
Official: Can we please get back to the point?
FOOL: Oh yes sorry! well I was only borrowing them, I was going to pay for them honest….. as soon as my benefit came through
Official: Do you plead guilty or not guilty?
FOOL: Not Guilty. You see they were mystifying circumstances.
Official: Mystifying circumstances?
FOOL: Yes well you see my two children were hungry and I couldn’t let the poor mites starve could I? I thought I’d just borrow a few essential items in case I couldn’t get my benefit in time. I would have paid for them honest, but I was just worried about my two little boys.
Official: How old are your two boys?
FOOL: ……er….. thirty one and thirty five, but they are very young for their age.
Official: I see. (pause) Now let us consider the essential items that you are accused of steeling. There was a Des O’Connor record, a pair of sunglasses, a dustbin
FOOL: A red and blue golfing umbrella
Official: Three kilograms of armadillo feed
FOOL: A pair of ear plugs
Official: A doubled barrelled shot gun
FOOL: And a cuddly toy
Official and Judge: Didn’t she do well?
Official: You said that these were essential items
FOOL: Well they are.
Official: Armadillo feed?
FOOL: I’m going to get that armadillo if it’s the last thing that I do.
Official: Well that explains the shot gun but what about the umbrella and the sun glasses?
FOOL: Well I tried the glasses on and the sky seemed rather dark so I though that I may need an umbrella
Official: A Des O’Connor record?
FOOL: My cats love Des
Official: A pair of ear plugs?
FOOL: I don’t, (pause) Love Des
Official: What about the dust bin?
FOOL: Well the dustbin men around me only take wheelie bins
Official: Sounds like rubbish to me.
FOOL: If you’re not much more polite I shall refuse to answer any more questions.
Official: There were also some more expensive items that you stole. Let’s turn our attention the video recorder
FOOL: Oh it wasn’t that expensive a, real bargain I just couldn’t resist it.
Official: Obviously not Ms. Loot. I think that you have shown the court today that you intentionally stole these items with no intention of paying for them.
FOOL: I was going to pay for them honest as soon as I got my benefit, that’s where I was going when that nice officer picked me up.
Official: You were picked up on a Saturday the social security offices don’t open on Saturdays
FOOL: I was going to get there early for Monday.
Official: And you have nearly £1000 owing to you in benefits?
FOOL: Well I thought with inflation and all that it should have gone up a bit.
Official: Ms. Loot I think we need not proceed any further . The court can have little doubt that the defendant removed these goods with no intention or means of paying for them. Your honour I rest my case.
Judge: Ms. Loot do you have anything to say for yourself?
FOOL: (starting to cry) I’m, sorry. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. When I go into the shop I just cant resist the temptation. I’ll try and do better if you give me another chance.
Judge: Ms. Loot You are an habitual offender. You constantly disregard the rules of our society. I have no alternative than to impose the maximum penalty on you. You will pay a fine of £1,500 or go to prison for two years (FOOL gasps in horror) However, (judge comes down from his seat) I know that you would never be able to pay such a large fine, and I would like to save you from prison. Therefore I will pay your fine myself as a gift. Ms. Loot you are free to go and the penalty for your fine has been paid.
(Judge and FOOL leave together and the official looks confused)