10-1-2001

Hey, I got a question. What would inspire two people like you and Jon to make a page like this? I think this is just vulgar and downright offending. I mean, there are children on the internet that surf for pages all the time, and the last thing we need is a contribution to the corruption of our youth. I mean, oh wait, I'M a contribution to the corruption of our youth. NEVERMIND!!! God, what was I thinking? Had ya going though. Anywayz, I got a serious question though. Why haven't you and Jon fucked yet? I mean, sweet leaping Jesus, you two are horny as hell, and you know each other quite well. That's right I said it. So, just let him slap his dilly-whacker in your hoo-ha. Geez, come on, give his kielbasa a buff Aubs. Sheesh. He he he hehe. lolololololol. Ok, I'm done raising hell. But the site's a cool service, but it's also a way to find out who among your friends you should go for. So, good good good job!!!!!

Me

Aubs' Reply:
Joshy, honey, you're full of it. You're so full of it, it's pathetic. Why would I ever want to let Jonathan slap his dilly-whacker in my hoo-ha or buff his kielbasa? I wouldn't. And if you believe that, I have a prime piece of ocean-front property for ya in Nebraska. Honestly, as to why we haven't fucked yet, it's because, in a past life, I was a gerbil. But I'm not a gerbil anymore (obviously). But to answer your question, Josh, I really have no idea why Jonathan and I haven't had sex yet. Maybe because our relationship isn't like that? That doesn't work either. Hmmm...well, he did tell me one time I was like a sister to him (but I think he might have been drunk at the time, so I'm not sure if that counts or not, either). I'm not sure why he hasn't ever stuck his dilly-whacker in my hoo-ha, honestly, Josh. Maybe for the same reason you've never stuck yours in mine? And about buffing his kielbasa, who's to say I haven't hit his beer bong a time or two? Believe me when I say you have no idea what you're talking about. ;) We've got pictures.

~Aubs

A little over a year later...
God, it's funny how much things can change...

Jon's Reply:
Why haven't Aubrey and I done the hibbity-dibbity, the horizontal mambo or any of that other good shit. That friends and neighbors is a question for the ages...(18 and up that is) but anyway. Whos to say we haven't. We did after all live together (as roomates) for close to 6 months....Who is to say that I never woke up in the middle of the night with Aubrey's incisors buried in my left butt cheek? Which did in fact happen, even if Aubrey denies it until shes blue in the face. But then again the only thing Aubrey has ever said in direct reference to my close friend (so close we're attached) Bam-Bam where those three SWEET SWEET words that our young friend Josh will never hear in reference to his miniscule member..."Oh My God!" But to answer young Joshua's question why havent we had sex, you've got me...maybe we'll have to schedule some sort of appointment so we can remedy this...

"Its Only Premarital Sex If You Plan on Marrying Her"

--Jon

Quick note from Aubs
Actually, Jonathan, I think my words were not "Oh, my god," but more along the lines of "Holy shit!" Thank you, that'll be all.

10-15-2001

As a 40 something year old I just have to wonder, is there anything about sex that you know but I don't?
~Rhonda

Alright dammit...Here we go...since our good friend Aubrey isn't exactly experienced in this particular area. I will have to handle this question single-handedly (not unlike alot of things I do). I have in fact slept with 40-somethings before and although it was an extremely pleasurable series of events, I do get to nitpick now, because someone asked.

1. Too much head is NOT A MYTH....There is a time (however a very rare time) when the penis needs to be somewhere outside of the mouth. As much as I like blowjobs, I dont like a blowjob that lasts two hours...Blowjob time should be between 5 and 30 minutes....

2. Making Love is Bad Business....This is just strictly from a young adult's standpoint. Making love is good, just not when your gettin' after someone that's old enough to be your mother. If, (if my ass) and When, I get me some more mature pootie tang, I want a woman that is gonna fuck me like a dying chiuhaha on speed...(not that I've ever got it on with a dying chihuahua on speed, but boy oh boy). And finally...

3. Be Kinky, but Not That Kinky....Handcuffs, massage oil, silk scarves...its all good...Just dont ask me to pee on you, and KEEP YOUR FINGER THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY ASSHOLE (especially if you have long fingernails, I could be killed).

--Jon

"It isn't premarital sex, unless you plan on marrying her"

10-16-2001

Which is better, older or younger women? And why?
~Scott

Jon's Reply:
Hmmm...good question peckerhead. For the sake of argument Im goin to make the younger women category contain anything up to and including 29 year olds, older women are (no shit) anything older than that. This way it sounds like I have lots of experience in both categories LOL. Anyway back to the question. Which is better...I DON'T KNOW. They are different and let me just bestow some wisdom on you Scotty (I'm just a wisdom bestowin ass here lately), always be sure to think real, REAL hard before you turn down sex. But once again back to the question at hand. Since I can't decide which is actually better than the other we'll play the compare and contrast game.

1. Head --

Young Women -- Young women can be talked into head, but its can at times be a very trying, mindfuck of a time. Younger women sometimes have a few hangups and if your particular prey happens to have a few you can put smart money that this might be one of em. So, if you feel like puttin in the "Please baby baby baby please" time, then its more than worth it. Be prepared to put in even more time to get them to swallow.

Older Women -- Older women have almost always had some experience with the oral side of the world by the time a younger man such as myself gets around to them so its a much easier battle to win, almost becoming at times a foregone conclusion. Also, older women have a higher propensity to engage in a high protein diet (which is good for you)But on the downside, they have often had so much experience with oral sex that they try to overcomplicate it. There is no need to stand on your head with your upper thighs wrapped around the end of a see-saw while you give me head, just a nice gentle in and out action with a little hum thrown in will do just fine.

2. Anal Sex --

Young Women -- Yes, Scotty, it does happen just not to you. A little health for those of you out there that arent Scott, be sure to use plenty of a water-based lubricant, and go slowly at first. (Oh shit, I just got all clinical, thats Aubrey's job, shit shit shit, I have to wash all this intelligence off me.)

Older Women -- Older women again may have had some experience with this before your arrival, but far fewer than have engaged in the previous type of coupling. This is often not unlike talking a younger woman into showing off her oral stylings. Then again theres are those pretty divorcees that are up for just about anything that doesnt involve their ex-husband LOL

3. Looks --

Young Women -- Are you fucking kidding me. If we're going on looks alone give me a young woman.

Older Woman -- But then again sometimes you feel like a Kournikova sometimes you feel like a Miss Robinson

So there you have it when its all broken down sex is sex no matter who your with it all comes down to a question of personal preference and as you know I prefer sex...in any form

and always be sure to remember

"It's Only Premarital Sex if You Plan On Marrying Her"

Aubs' Reply:
Since I know nothing about sex with women (considering I prefer to have sex with people of the male variety), Jonathan and I figured it would be a good idea for me to give my opinion on younger men/older men for all those women out there who might be asking themselves the same thing. So, here goes...

I think in a lot of ways, it depends on the woman's definition of younger and older. I've always considered younger to be anyone younger than my age (meaning 19 or younger) and older to be anyone older than 20. But I guess you could also look at it in general terms, too, such as Jonathan did. ;) From a woman's perspective, older is better. Not Richard Gere or Sean Connery older (remember, I'm writing from the perspective of a 20-year-old here folks), but older as in 22-26. Any older than that just seems a little creepy to me. In the experiences I've had with guys who were younger than me, they were over-eager. And I'm not talking about the typical eagerness men exude when they think they might get a piece of ass. I'm talking the type of puppy-dog jump all over you and lick your face a gazillion times over-eager. That makes for some extremely sloppy kisses (and other things, too). To be honest, though, the oldest guys I've ever been with in one way or another were only a year older than me, so I don't think that really counts as being "older."

My personal experience aside, though, in a lot of ways, I would love to know what it's like to be with an older guy (again, though, not Richard Gere or Sean Connery old, I'm thinking more like Jimmy Fallon or Kyle Cook old lol). There's a certain mystique, a sort of questioning of "Hmm...I'll bet he really knows how to treat a woman." With younger guys, I usually find myself wondering, "Is kissing him gonna be like getting a tongue bath from a basset hound?" Honestly, though, when it really comes down to it, I think it depends more upon your own personal preferences and the chemistry you have with the person you're with. You know how they say that someone who isn't exactly the most attractive person in the world can become extremely attractive when you're in love with them? The same goes for lust--when you're in lust with someone and really into them, sometimes the people with the worst techniques can seem pretty damned good.

10-17-2001

How long should young couples wait before they have sex ? Lets see how you answer this one LOL
~Patti

Jon's Reply:
Finally someone comes along to test my moral and mental acumen. Like a lot of things involving sex, this is another situation where personal feelings and comfort come into play. I have no problem waiting for long periods of time for vaginal intercourse as long as I'm getting satisfaction from something else in our relationship. I'm very easy to please. (Shit, I'm throwing my asshole facade aside) If I can hang out and get lots of kisses then Im a happy camper for oh, 4 months or so....add Handjobs, and you buy another 2 months, Oral Sex, congratulations Ma'am you just bought yourself an unlimited amount of time...depending on the frequency and enjoyability of our intimacy, I could hold out for marriage. (Fuckin shit did I just say that.) Basically, it all comes down to how much you love the other person (Fuck I just said THE word) But thats the truth, If I am madly in love (dammit there I go again) with the person Im with I dont need any ass (yeah, sound like an asshole so they dont lose repsect...LOL) Truth be told, If a woman will let ME go down on her at will, shit I'll be kissing her ass till Kingdom Come...there is nothing I enjoy more. But the question is...in my opinion, how long should young couples wait before getting their proverbial swerve on....I say if you're a couple 6 months at least....But thats not to say that the world should suddenly become devoid of any and all one night stands at my command. Shit all over that...Long Live the ONE NIGHT STAND

and REMEMBER

"Its only premarital sex if you plan on marrying her"

Aubs' Reply:
This, friends and neighbors, is a tricky question that can be (and should be) viewed from many different perspectives. Among those are moral/religious, biological and psychological.

I'll be honest here, friends and neighbors, the entire time I was growing up, I was always told that premarital sex was wrong and that I would basically go to hell if I did it. So that's pretty much what I believed until I was in high school (my senior year, at that). But then, one day, I began to question those beliefs, and found that they really weren't my own. But that's my own personal story. For some young couples, marriage is the only way for them to have sex. So there's one possible answer: Wait until marriage (however long that might take).

From a biological perspective, however, human bodies are designed to have sex and to have sex a lot. I'm not gonna get into all the details or anything (at least not right now), but we, as humans, have sex for a reason; that reason for many centuries was to procreate, now, that reason is more for pleasure than anything else. But how, exactly, does this answer your question? Well, biologically, young couples should start having sex as soon as they damn well want to.

But before anyone starts getting pissed off at me for that last comment, I will now address the psychological aspect of sex between young couples. This, of course, varies with age. In all honesty, I still have problems with anyone under 18 doing the hibbity dibbity, no matter how biologically ready for sex they are. I guess that's because I have two brothers who are both under the age of 18 (one of them, however, is sexually active) and it's just that big-sister instinct coming out. Also, in a lot of ways, 14 and 15 year-olds aren't necessarily psychologically ready for sex. Yes, the bodies may be ready and rarin' to go, but that doesn't mean the psyches are in the same boat. In fact, a lot of times, the psyches are still standing on the dock scared to even put a foot into the boat. I'm not gonna say that you should wait until you're in love to have sex--in a lot of ways, I think that's a load of bullshit--but at least, especially for your first time (this goes out mainly to the females reading this), make sure it's with someone you can trust and who isn't gonna do just a wham-bam-thank-you-mam kinda thing. And guys, if you're wanting to lose your virginity that badly, just don't go and hire a prostitute. At least locate the local Mrs. Robinson to aide you in your path to sexual fulfillment.

Of course, there's also the if it feels good, do it, school of thought, which quite a lot of young people believe in. Just whatever works for you.

As for setting an actual time limit, though, I don't really feel comfortable doing that, since it pretty much varies for everyone. Just wait until your comfortable with that person and when you feel comfortable enough with the relationship. Don't rush things, but don't completely avoid it or try to avoid it. If you want to have sex, have sex, just be mature about it. Use birth control (most of which can be found at your local Planned Parenthood or Wal-Mart) and know your options for in case of an accident (there are a lot of different pills on the market now for women and I encourage everyone to check those out--click on the Planned Parenthood link above for more info). But most importantly, don't do anything you don't want to do.

10-17-2001

Great site guys... I was referred by a mutual friend I guess, Erica - UNT. Now here is MY question to you guys: You know Erica... what's the best approach??? ~Ants

Alright Ants. Funny I don't know you so I can't rip on you too badly. This oughta be all sorts of fun. Hopefully I don't have to tiptoe through the fuckin' tulips too much. Anyway, on with the question. What's the Best Approach to Conquer Erica's uhhh...person. Heh. Well truth be told, do you think that If I knew exactly how to get to Erica, I'd be givin the answer to some little scrub that calls himself Ants? Hell No. But seriously, every woman is different.(In the immortal words of Brad Nowell,"No one's ever conquered Wyoming from the left or from the right") but a lot of them like the same things, so there's a lot of stuff that you can try that's almost guaranteed to work, unless of course she's not interested. Here we go...How to Pick Up Chicks, Vol. 1. By Mister Jonathan Williams, Esq.

1. Flowers --- I cannot stress this enough. If you want a chick to be interested you got to do something to catch her attention, and nothing catches a woman's attention like pretty colors (kinda like raccoons that way), especially when those pretty colors are on the end of a thorny stem. Meaning, for those of us that are in the remedial class, Get some ROSES, Long-stemmed if at all possible, and if you have no idea how to pick out flowers then ask someone that works at the flowershop. They may not know shit, either, but at least they're paid to know nothing.

2. Chocolates --- Don't be a numbnuts. Even Forrest Gump knew that you gotta have chocolates if you wanna get some rump (thats right, it rhymed, you got a problem?) By the way, do not bring two things at once unless it's already an anniversary or Valentine's Day. And even then, don't unless you're already dating...at which point you wont need this anymore.

3. Poetry -- Thats right. Chicks dig poetry. Even if it sucks...which most of it does, especially if any one of you out there writes it. The way they look at it, if some putz (see: you) put in the time to write a poem, then he must be a really sweet guy. Let alone the fact that while you were writing the poem, you were fuckin' your other fist in time with Sodomania 6: Butt Sluts Attack. But then again, maybe it is the thought that counts, and what woman wouldn't want a man who can multitask like that...

So anyway....thats just a few quick pointers, Good Luck and Good Lays Gentlemen....and remember...

"It Isn't Premarital Sex, Unless You Plan On Marrying Her"

10-18-2001

hey big studddly jon, maybe you can answer my question.. what do guys like the most when it comes to oral sex?

---Allison

What a fantabulous question. Im not exactly sure but Im assuming that Aubrey isn't gonna have an answer to go with this one so I'll go ahead and take care of it. What do guys like most when it comes to oral sex. Well hmmm...dont tell me, I've heard this one. Oh yeah thats it. "The Five Minutes of Silence" But seriously, I can't speak for the entire male population on this question but I will tell what I like most, which I have a feeling is what your reaching for anyway. (::wink wink:: How you Doin?) Anyway here we go, how to give Jon Williams head and influence people Vol. 1.

1. Don't Overcomplicate It -- Oral Sex is the easiest thing in the world. There is nothing at all to pleasing a man with your mouth. Seriously, if a man could find a warm moist spot in the wall that conformed to the shape of his dick, he'd be a happy camper. But like I say just in and out, with a nice tight grip with your lips and no teeth scrapage and we're happy.

2. Make a Little Noise For Daddy --- Nothing pops the cork in my champagne bottle faster than a woman who moans Beethoven's Fifth symphony into my skin flute. This means moan your ass off while you blow me and we'll all be happier.

3. Think of it as your favorite dessert --- This is why no man can watch an attractive woman eat an ice cream cone or even a pickle for that matter, without getting a hard on. Basically, its because shes got the tongue out working the whole ice cream cone to keep anything from dripping off....(Holy Shit....I gotta go have a cold shower after that one.)

(Five Minutes Later)So anyway, suck it like you like it as much as an ice cream cone, and your man will do a horizontal happy dance.

4. Be Noisy --- This may sound alot like Number Two but it is not. What I mean here is slobber all over that bastard and make the sloppiest, loudest sucking noises you can make, that friends and neighbors is some muy bueno shit.

So anyway ladies, there you have it Don't Overcomplicate it, Moan For Daddy, Lick it like an Ice Cream cone, and be sloppy, Oh, and if you could find the time and inclination please swallow...Alot of guys haven't been on the receiving end of this particular action and what better way to make a guys decade LOL And Remember Ladies.....

"Tis better to give than to receive"

10-20-2001

When looking for sexual advice, why would one seek the assistance of a virgin and a guy who couldn't get laid with a $100 bill hanging out of his zipper?

You piece of shit Jon. Not only did I give you notice that I was going to give you some joke room, but you have abused your privledge. Just remember, when acting like a badass, that not many people are reading this. You also forgot one of my questions, and used the unclarified version of another. Sack up and get some ingenuity that isn't handed to you on a silver platter. Here's another question for you : Does one who thinks they give out valuable sexual advice get over their small penis complex, or does it get pushed back into the dark recesses of their mind?

Alright, it looks like I pissed Dave off. Two things buddy, first of all if you can't take the heat stay the fuck out of the kitchen, and secondly, I don't need you to leave me room for jokes. Contrary to you overarrogant belief you do not facilitate anything for anyone.

Question 1 .. When seeking sexual advice why would one seek the assistance of a virgin and a guy who couldn't get laid with a $100 dollar bill hanging out of his zipper?

I would like every one to note Dave's gleaming originality in that statement. But to answer that question, I don't know Dave. Perhaps everyone should ask themselves that question, and stop hanging around if they find the idea ridiculous enough. Yeah lets all do that and see who doesnt come back. Because everyone knows that I can't get laid with a $100 dollar bill hanging out of my zipper.

Question 2 ... Does one who thinks they give out valuable sexual advice get over their small penis complex, or does it get pushed back into the dark recesses of their mind?

I'm gonna answer your question with a question numbnuts. Who is this person? I certainly dont think I give out valuable sexual advice. In fact about 100% of my answers on this page have been deeply rooted in OPINION. And I don't know who this person is that has a small penis complex, it certainly isnt me. In fact the only person I've seen make a comment anywhere on this site about the size of their package is you Dave. I am more than happy with the size of my johnson, because it is exactly BIG E-Fucking-Nough. Now then, to perhaps give you a better answer to one of your earlier questions. How can you make sex less painful for your virgin partners? Try not dive onto them like Shamu and bending there legs back behind there head for starters. I've never seen it happen, but I hear bad, bad things. LOL

10-20-2001

I've got another question for ya.. When it comes to balls, what do guys like and dislike?

1) Why do men enjoy eating pussy? Which do they like more, shaved or not?

2) Do men tell every person who gives them head that "that was the best head" they've "ever had"? or do they mean it when they say it?

3) How can you tell whether or not a man has ever been given head before?

Alright, another series of great questions from my favorite reader of our fine site. So without an further ado lets get started.

1. When it comes to balls what do men like and dislike?

Again I can only speak from personal experience here, and there has been enough of it in this particular area to actually be able to warrant a good answer. I like football, but I dislike baseball (Damn Yankees), and basketba...what do you mean not those kind of balls...oh shit, alright nevermind. Lets try this again. Contrary to some womens myopic oral workings the male genitalia does not only consist of a banana but is in fact much closer to a fruit basket. The balls, nuts, bag of tricks, whatever you wanna call it, can be a very useful tool in sex, or if used incorectly by an inexperienced person can be very painful. Anyway on with the show...its a good GOOD idea to be gentle with the balls, dont be grabbin some guys sack and twisting it like your ringin out a wet towel, that is unless your tryin to make him cry or give you nuclear secrets for mother Russia. It is a good idea to lick the balls, lightly though, I don't really like to have saliva running off my balls, but some guys might and if they do then they are fuckin sick. You can also roll the balls around in your palm, thats always nice, as long as you stay away from the craps table if you catch my drift. In other words DO NOT shake them like they're a pair of warm, fuzzy dice. You can also suck the balls into your mouth one at a time, but again be very, very gentle when you do this as this can hurt like the proverbial motherlover. Thats basically it, but if your looking for a few more tips on the testicle love subject just hit your nearest porno shop, I'm sure you can learn something from them.

2. Why do men like eating pussy, and do they prefer shaved or not?

Dammit, another good, good question. But sadly, not all men enjoy eating pussy. At least not as much as me. But then again I'm a special case, I love to eat, and the last time I checked pussy was fat and calorie free. But seriously, I love love love performing oral sex for women. I like the way it tastes, I like the way it smells, I like the way it gets all moist and runs all over the sheets. God I love it all, and I especially love the way it makes my fingers smell, until my dumbass lights a cigarette and drowns out the smell. Basically, I just love it. Now for part two of your question. Do men prefer shaved or not. This is generally on a case by case basis depending on the woman. I like shaved pussy, I like hairy pussy, (just not the '70s afro puff style) but here are a coupla general guidelines. Always keep it trimmed short, that way you keep the allure of hair, but are still able to cut down on the hairball factor. I prefer a little racing stripe type action, something like a small thin line of hair from the top of the slit straight up for about an inch and a half. This is not to say that bald pussies are bad in fact I love them but I have never been more upset than I was when I went down on a redhead only to find a bald patch. So if you are a redhead, leave daddy a little something to look at, its a garden, let it grow.

3. Do men tell every person that gives them head that "that was the best head" they've ever had? Or do they mean it when they say it?

I'm not gonna lie to you. When I get a blowjob, it has to be horrible for me to tell you that it was bad. But I will not tell you that it was the best I've ever had unless it was. I'll tell you that it was fuckin' good, and I'll be telling the truth. I dont know about other guys but I'm sure this is not at all unlike the "I love you" thing, whereas sometimes a guy really does mean it and other times hes just drunk and trying to get a little pussy. Hopefully that answers your question.

4. How can you tell whether or not a man has been given head before?

I'm sorry to break it to you but there is no sure fire way to tell. Of course, there are a coupla of clues that could point either way. If your partner is kinda reserved in asking for oral sex, then odds are that he hasnt ever had his knob slobbed, or else hes just shy. Whereas if he grabs your head and shoves it into his crotch, then you can safely bet that he has gotten head before or else hes a rapist. Also if he is tense for the entire course of the event then again odds are hes knew to all this and can't find a way to relax. Seriously, thats really all I can tell you about it.

10-19-2001

When being in the unfortunate situation with a virgin, how does one ease the pain? I eamn, there's got to be other ways than using the jaws of life, or a can of crisco and a running start. There is nothing worse than having sex and hearing various forms of "Shit that hurts!". The object of sex should be to make it as pleasurable as possible, not to be trying to make it as painless as possible.

When you have a hefty penis such as myself, and need to masturbate with both hands, how do you get them coordinated? It seems to go fine until I lapse in concentration and both hands go a different way and I get this ring of rugburn right in the middle of my dick. And before you ask, I know it's rugburn - it's a different color from all the other rashes

When having unidentifiable marking on one's unit, how long should you pile on topical creams and the like before seeing a doctor? I mean, ummm, Mike wanted me to ask you guys this and didn't have the website address or something. Yeah, that's it. I think he fucked an alligator down in Louisiana or something.

--- Dave

Ok, everyone now that you've read all these questions, you have probably surmised that this guy is both a bad lay and has a pencil dick, and your probably right. But Dave is a person too (I think), so lets see what I can do for him.

Question 1 -- When being in the "unfortunate" situation with a virgin how does one ease the pain?

Well here Dave doesnt bother to tell us what pain he is speakin of so I'll just have to take a stab at it (heh). Either put on some deodorant or give her a clothespin to pinch her nose shut with. That charred monkey ass smell that you give off is bound to cause some pain and eyewatering that god knows your teeny peen could never cause. But to answer a much better question for the rest of our readers out there who are not hung like planet Pluto (hard to see with the naked eye). Heres a coupla quick tips to ease a virgin's pain and make her first time all that more enjoyable.

Foreplay is your friend --- First of all try to set up camp a little bit before you go jumpin in the fishin' hole. Perform a little oral artwork on your lady friend, and introuduce some "fingerpuppets" into the equation to loosen her up and make sure that the water is fine. You may also want to look into some lubricant, again preferably water-based, mainly because I have yet to meet a woman who is allergic to water. You should try Astroglide, as I have found that is the best lubricant on the market, and can be found at any retailer. Even Walmart. An just to make sure everyone is with me, especially the women it is spelled Astroglide not ASStroglide, and is not solely intended for anal sex, although its useful in that area as well. Oh and go SLOW! at least until she gets used to your heft or her mom walks into the room (which is always the case when it comes to Dave).

Question 2 --- How do I keep my hands coordinated when I masturbate with both of them at the same time?

Well Dave most people can handle themselves pretty well with both hands but since you are a cross-eyed fat assed chimp-looking mother bitch, I could understand how you might have trouble. First of all, call the Wizard of Oz, and ask him for some handeye coordination. Secondly stop masturbating with those little sticky slap hands you get out of the quarter machines, use your own hands, or hand, or thumb, and forefinger, what ever you can get your best grip with.

Question 3 --- How long should I apply topical cream before seeing a doctor?

Dave, most people see a doctor before they actually ever start putting topical cream on their Johnson. But I understand that you've had an ICYHOT fetish since Junior High, so if thats what gets your rocks off go with it buddy, but I suggest you go see a doctor immediatly, like maybe yesterday. LOL

That's all from Dave friends and neighbors I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did...

10-24-2001

Which do men prefer, front or back-clasp bras? And which are easier for men to unfasten (preferably with their teeth)

I'm looking for a few suggestions. I have been with this guy for awhile and our relationship has begun to become stale. I would like to liven this up with one of my biggest fantasies, which is sex outside of the bedroom, and well to be frank, the house. What would the two of you suggest as prime locations for a little outside twist to our weaking sex life? By the way I love your site, and if this doesn't work out with my current man I would really like to meet Jon. He seems like a voice of experience that really knows how to treat a lady in the bedroom. But please Save MY Relationship!!!

Alright everyone, looks like we have a new guest. Is that what I should call you, or perhaps a poster. Ah shit I dont know. Here we go, question number one

1...Do men prefer front or back-clasp bras and which are easier for them to open? Well, up until two days ago I had never seen a front-clasp bra, but now that I recieved this question I decided to do a little research. I have had quite a bit of experience with back-clasp bras, which now leaves me with the ability to unsnap them with my teeth while blind drunk with both hands tied behind my back and a leaky faucet dripping on my forehead. Yes, its true, I can do that. (I can do dat I can do dat!)But I'm gonna say that the front clasp is pretty easy to deal with, if only because you can see it instead of having to do most of your work without looking which is the case with the back-clasp. So I say go front-clasp.

2...What would the two of you suggest as prime locations for a little outside twist to our weaking sex life? Well I'm sure Aubrey will have two or 10 cents to put in. But anyway heres my take on the subject. There are quite a few place to make the most of your outside love affair where you stand the chance of being caught but probably won't. Here we go, its list time...

1. The Movie Theater -- Sit in the back row, in the middle of the week, preferably in the early afternoon. We're talkin something like 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. Just jump in the back row wait for the lights to go down, and do what you will.

2. The Alleyway --- If you havent seen 9 1/2 weeks, go rent it, that'll tell you all you need to know about alleyway love making. Just leave the ice cream at home LOL

3. The Park --- Just go to a city park early in the morning, take a blanket, and stay away from any streets or paths.

4. In a Parked Car --- Park in the nearest Wal-Mart parkin lot late at night, near the back and get down to business

5. In a Moving Car --- Lean over and go to town.

Well thats all that springs to mind at the moment hopefully that'll help out, but if it doesnt you know where to find me, ::wink wink, nudge nudge::

And Remember...."Tis Better to Give Than to Recieve"

---Jon

Aubs' Reply:
For some odd reason I'm thinking I'm not the person to be answering the bra question, so I'm not going to. As for the spicing up the sex life...Jonathan, what makes you so sure I'll have 10 cents to put into this one? ;) Anyway, outdoor sexual escapades...mmmmmm.... Well, Tricky Nipple, here are a few of my suggestions:
1. Park--I'm gonna kinda sorta agree with Jonathan on this one (oh, no, what's wrong with me? Am I running a fever or something?), except I don't think early in the morning is such a great time. I mean, the grass is all dewy and people are starting to move around and, well, I just think that somewhere around 11 at night is a good time to get it on in the park. Tables are good. If you're really feeling frisky, find a playground. I can think of some interesting things to do in a playground. Let's see, we have slides (could be tricky, but fun nonetheless), swings, merry-go-rounds, and various other fun things to play on.

2. Ever hear of Road Head? Try it while driving down the interstate if you're feeling really frisky and adventurous.

3. Public Swimming Pool--Sneak in after hours and do some skinny dipping. (I say after hours because the point here is not to get arrested for indecent exposure)

4. On the beach/bank (depending upon the body of water) during the middle of a rain storm (oh, nevermind, that's one of my fantasies..sorry)...there's just something about that that seems incredibly erotic, but it's just a suggestion.

Anyway, those are just a few of the suggestions I have. Try those and see how it works out. Let us know how your relationship turns out (but no hate mail, please, we're not exactly licensed professionals here lol).

~Aubs

QUICK NOTE FROM JON:

In my previous answer when I said early in the morning..I meant 2 or 3 a.m. seemed obvious but then maybe im not normal, what am I talking about Aubrey is the one that got confused LOL Thanks

10-23-2001

For someone who has a fetish for diving on women and bending their legs behing their head, how does one alleviate the pulled muscles and broken legs this causes? Should I make a more concerned effort to find women that are capable of pretzel sex (ie gymnasts), or perhaps amputee chicks without legs at all?

Well hello, and welcome back Dave. I guess the whole virgin and sexually helpless guy thing wasn't enough to scare you away. But anyway, I've been given a question, and as the inhouse sexual dynamo, here at You're Getting Warmer with Aubrey and Jon (PLUG PLUG!!) I have a job to do. (dons blue cape, and small mask that only covers the 3 square inches around his eyes)Okay, how does Dave, a fetishist for the Couchback Cannonball, keep himself from injuring his partner during a rousing round of Genital Gymnastics? First of all, try to keep your weight off of her, or him, or it. (Becuase who really wants to be caught in bed with a dog with four broken legs....certainly not me) This can be accomplished but putting your large ass on the bottom half of the coupling, or also by trying any of several positions in which your weight does not directly bear down on your counterpart. (Doggystyle, Wheelbarrow, The Bent,Weeping Lotus Flower with a hangnail (my personal fave)). But anyway also, dont bend the legs up unless shes especially limber (i.e, runs track, is a gymnast, cheerleader, or something of the sort). The way I look at it, its much more fun to have legs wrapped around your back, but I don't know a woman in the world who has legs long enough to wrap around Dave....what with his enormous penis size (I belive he likened it to a horse) and whatnot. Thank you Good Night.

And Gentlemen Remember....

"Its Not Premaarital Sex, Unless You Plan on Marrying Her"

10-22-2001

This question is for Aubs. In your opinion, why would a man think that causing a woman pain during intercourse is a sign that he's hung like a mule? (We all know it's the tight pussy that is the culprit.)

Y'know, Rhonda, I've often wondered that myself. I think that a man's entire sense of self-worth is centered around his penis size. Thus, if a woman experiences pain during intercourse, it's almost as if some little bell goes off in his head that says, "Yeah, that's right bitch. I am the grandmaster. I am fucking hung. My dick is huge." Or something like that. I can't really know for sure, considering I'm not a guy and therefore don't know what goes through guys' heads 24/7. That pain could be the cause of things other than a big dick in a small hole...it could be simply because that hole is extremely small and tight or because he simply does not know how to fully prepare his partner for penetration (translation: foreplay is your friend, guys). Having a big dick really has little to do with a woman experiencing pain. Afterall, as Alyssa from Chasing Amy said, women's bodies are made to deliver babies. Meaning they expand. So the way I look at it, if a woman is experiencing pain during intercourse, it isn't because her partner is hung like a fucking horse, but because her partner simply does not understand the importance of foreplay (guys, I know there are a lot of you out there who don't like spending time on foreplay, but trust me when I say it helps to increase your odds of getting laid again if the first time you have sex with a woman isn't a pain-filled nightmare--so pay attention to her breasts, her stomach, her clitoris, everywhere you can think of that can help get her wet and ready for ya, because I know it can't be very comfortable for you if your penis is pounding the depths of the Sahara). So, Rhonda, that's what I think about it. ;)

10-30-2001

I've been seeing this guy for a while, and I've run out of date ideas. Got any suggestions? I don't like the normal stuff, though. I like to keep things interesting. Thanks a bunch.

Jon's Reply:
What the hell is your problem running out of Ideas? This is a sex advice site, not an oh my god!! I cant match these panties with my pastel opaque bra to make my dates more whooo ha Spectacular! But seriously, you are asking the wrong person. Im the dinner and a movie type, and most of the women I do the horizontal mambo with I meet in bars or have already known for awhile so there isnt exactly the biggest date life goin on in my life. Maybe Aubrey can tell you something.

And remember....

"'Tis Better To Give Than to Recieve"

Aubs' Reply:
Well, Running Out of Ideas, I'm not really sure what to tell you, either, honestly. Jonathan and I have thought about this a lot over the past few days, and neither of us can come up with much of anything. He's not a date person, and I'm not really, either. I, too, am pretty much a dinner and a movie type of girl. And I always seem to be interested in guys that I already know pretty well, so there doesn't ever seem to to be that need to do all the dating, getting-to-know-you stuff. So, sorry that we're no help to you whatsoever. If I happen to think of something, anything, though, I'll let you know.

10-26-2001

So, I have a question. What do you guys think about friends with benefits? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
~Benefits Guy

Aubs' Reply:
Friends with benefits. That's a tricky situation for anyone to be in, I think. On one hand it can be really really good. On the other, it can be really bad.

On the good side, being in a friends with benefits relationship can be damned good. There's not as much pressure to conform to some standard you don't know about, you know that person very well and they know you very well. Good friends (even best friends, if you're willing to take that big of a risk) often know more about you than anyone else. They know your hang-ups, your insecurties and your limits. They also know some of your deepest, darkest fantasies. And, depending on your level of comfort with this friend, they may even know such off-the-all things as how often you masturbate and how long it normally takes you to orgasm. They know about your previous sexual escapades (or pitiful lack there of, in some cases), and sometimes get some pretty dirty details that you wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable telling anyone else. Add to that that there's just a comfort level, and it doesn't seem as awkward in a way when you're with a friend in a sexual sorta way. It can actually make you a little more relaxed.

On the flipside of that, though, are the bad things about being friends with benefits. If you're just casual friends, there's not as much of a chance for things to get weird. If you're really good friends, though (especially best friends) things can get sticky really quickly if you're not careful. Throw all the comfort levels and attraction aside and what you have left is a relationship between two people who obviously care about each other (since they are friends) and who, possibly love each other. If that's the case, there's a whole lot of opportunity there for things to get messy and just plain weird. It may begin as purely sexual, but those emotions can get involved pretty damned quickly. And if you are getting into a sexual relationship with a really good friend, maybe you should step back and really ask yourself, "Why am I doing this? Is this truly just about sex, or is there something else going on here?" Odds are, you won't have the answer to those questions, but it's always a good idea to ask yourself just in case you do. There is also a huge chance that your friendship could be completely ruined and lost forever (not to be pessimistic or anything--just keeping it real) if the situation isn't handled correctly.

So if you are planning on or thinking about becoming sexually involved with a friend, just remember that you really need to keep the lines of communication open, and try not to let stupid petty shit come between you and your friend. It is just sex, but sometimes, it can turn into a lot more than that. That's very important to remember. And COMMUNICATE. Talk. Make sure you both know where you stand with each other. Don't be afraid to ask questions and don't be afraid to answer question, either. And remember, above all, that the friendship is more important than sex. But the sex is nice. :)

Jon's Reply:
Hey, hows it goin, benefits guy? From Oklahoma huh? I'm sorry. Just be sure to take care of that tooth. But anyway, just a little anti-okie humor. Anyway our friend, "Benefits Guy" wants to know whether the pros of a friends with benefits relationship outweigh the cons or vice versa. So here we go. I have personally had three of these relationships and in theory they are always a FANTASTIC idea. But the three that I've had have take three very divergent paths. I've had the good one, basically because we both knew going in that it was purely sexual and that absoulutley nothing would ever EVER come of it. Thats the most important thing when you are tryin to pull off one of these relationships. Both partners have to be on the same page. Now for my other two friendly sex relationships. The first was with an ex, we decided we didnt want the relationship anymore, but the sex was great so we worked out a deal where we kept the sex, and ditched the dating. Again great on paper, but of course the old feelings came back, and that fucks things up. There is nothing worse than layin in the afterglow with your partner crying because she doesnt want to be the person shes become and its all your fault. (Don't know what person she had become but she still laid me like the same girl, which is a good thing)That friends will fuck up a mans perspective, and has been known to lead some men to look at other men and not immdiatly think, "Hey I wonder if he has a sister?" Meanwhile, back to the question. All you need to remember is this. Sit down, talk to your friend, and tell her, I hope, since you're benifits "guy", but you are an okie so you could of course be talking about a goat or something but anyway. Just get on the same page with your partner and hash everything out before you have sex. Then every thing will work out just fine, unless shes crazy. Then your screwed. Good Luck.

and Remember...

"It's Only Premarital Sex, if you plan on Marrying Her"

Quick note...I have lived in Oklahoma therefore I have gained the right to rag on Okies, besides I dont mean any harm, right, Roscoe?

4-28-2002

Where is the happy medium with long distance relationships? I know they are flat out BAD if you are even a remotely physical person, but it seems I've had this problem like 10 times since I've graduated. I also know it is bad to move somewhere just to be with someone...i.e - A "Carmenatism", or a "Girouardian Slip", and I would assume it is also just as bad to stay somewhere just to be with someone (Especially if that place is Waco, despite how much Treffs~!! kicks ass). So, in a HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION, if I were to be moving, say in August, and I was in a semi-serious relationship now, what the fuck do I do? You can't just say "Well let's see what happens" cause that shit never works, and even if you agree it will be just for fun it never sticks that way. What's the alternative?
~Dave

Aubs' Reply
Is there a happy medium with long distance relationships? I honestly couldn't tell you, as I've never been in one. From what I've seen, they rarely work. But there are those that do. I guess if you love each other enough, yeah, they'll work out. It seems to me, though, that long distance relationships are one of those things that takes a lot of work--more work than a lot of people are willing to do. And if the relationship has been a fairly physical one, too, I can imagine the distance would make it even worse. I mean, it kinda sucks when you wanna have sex with someone but they're somewhere else (too far away to drive to at two in the morning, at least). But sex is sex, and if the relationship is based on more than sex, you should be able to work around that. And while it may not be anywhere near as good as the real thing, I'm actually gonna go ahead and say that if you're that horny for each other, might as well try phone sex or cyber sex. Yeah, it's kinda...ah...cliched or whatever, but it's something. Certainly better than nothing. I mean, masturbating while talking dirty to your significant other certainly has to be better than masturbating by yourself bent over your Playboy collection.

As for staying somewhere just to be with someone...that's one of those things that, if it's meant to be, it'll work out. And sometimes we don't always know what's meant to be and what isn't meant to be. If the person seems worth it to you, and you really feel there's something there worth pursuing that couldn't be pursued from two different cities (or states), then maybe staying to be with that person is a good idea. Just as it could be a bad thing--you stay in this place and within a month it's Splitsville and you're left in a place where you really don't wanna be--it could also be a good thing, because maybe this one person is The Person. But then again, if they're The Person, maybe it would work from two different places. It's all very confusing. Thanks, Dave, for confusing me even more. LOL

The "Well, let's see what happens" leaves far too many outlets for a cop-out, if you ask me, and far too many excuses for one or both people to back out or slack-off and not put in any REAL effort. And I agree that the saying it's all just fun for now thing never stays that way--somehow or another, it almost always gets serious (at least that's been my experience thus far, even though it doesn't ALWAYS get serious and stop being "just fun").

Speaking from experience, it really sucks to care about someone and have this weird distance thing between you. Granted, though, that's something both parties have to be willing to work with, and both parties are not always so willing to work with the distance thing. For any long-distance relationship to work, I think there has to be an extremely strong level of committment involved, and a lot of mutual, deep emotions. Or just plain stubborness. That works, too.

3-23-2002

Hello. Just a random question. Is it okay for someone in a failing relationship to start liking someone else even if that new person might not like them back? What is permissible? Should the person try to advance on the new person? Thanks.
~Dazed and Confused

Aubs' Reply
Hey there, Dazed and Confused. Good question. First, I would like to say, a lot of times, you really have no control over who you like, it just kinda happens. And if your relationship is failing, it seems kinda natural to me that you would possibly start noticing other people. But I am wondering why you're not trying to save your relationship before moving on to someone else. As for the new person not liking you back...there are a lot of times when we like someone and they don't like us back. That's just the way it goes. So it's permissible to like someone if they don't like you, but if they don't like you, don't push or make them uncomfortable, because then it'll just make things really weird. As for "advancing" (odd word choice, if you ask me lol) on that other person, I would suggest you take a step back and wait a little bit, for you, for the person you're in the relationship with and the new person. If you move too fast, not only will it make you look like a heartless person, but it might also freak that new person out (especially since you don't know if they like you or not). I am guessing, however, that you really don't want to stay in your current relationship since you've already diagnosed it as failing and are already looking for new prospects. I would, however, suggest that, if you do end this current relationship, to take a step back and evaluate things (whether that be why the relationship failed, or where you should proceed afterward with this new person), feel the new person out and find out their true feelings (without pushing too much) and then proceed from there. If you're out of the relationship and you like this new person and they happen to like you back, go for it. But if they don't like you back, I would say to just back off from them and enjoy the single life for a little while.

3-11-2002

Damn, guess nobody likes you guys anymore. Last time anyone wrote in was before christmas. Oh well, just thought id give you a reason to update the site so heres my questions, is it possible to get ball reductions like women have breast reductions? What effect does a 9 volt battery have on the lower extremities(female), lets see what else, oh yeah, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck was a lesbian? Well i suppose ive wasted enough time, talk to you guys later.

Jon's Reply
Hey. What the fuck? People still know this site exists. I'll be damned. Hopefully I remember how this shit works. Here goes nothin.
Is it possible to get ball reductions? Fuck I don't know. And let me ask you a question Mr. Engleke, why in the fuck would you want a ball reduction? I'm gonna say its not possible. I mean realistically all a titty is is milk ducts and fat, whereas nuts are packed tight with seminal vesicles. Ooh look at that shit, I said "vesicles". So no I dont think ball reductions are possible. Next question, What effect does a 9volt battery have on the female genitalia? I feel like such a fucking perv for knowing the answer to this. But I do. Ever stuck your tongue to the terminal on a 9v battery? You get a slight electric shock, the same thing happens to the female genitalia, because both saliva and vaginal fluids (also known as "cooter juice", sorry guys I had to dumb it down) conduct electricity. So shock to the tongue, shock to the clitoris. Got it? Good Third question, How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck was a lesbian? I'm pretty sure if you had a lesbian woodchuck she wouldn't chuck wood, as most lesbians prefer tile or marble. Well thats all for today. Hopefully we will see more questions soon. Thank you and good night!

Aubs' Reply
Hey, Justin, how's it goin'? Long time no see. So, as for your questions...I think Jonathan did a pretty good job answering them (considering he had to explain the 9V battery thing to me lol...sorry, folks, but for some odd reason, I've just never put a 9V battery on my clitoris). But why would anyone want to get a ball reduction? Well, if they were like the size of cantaloupes or something, I could understand...but c'mon...that's just silly. lol I don't think a lesbian wood chuck would chuck wood for some odd reason....but I dunno, I could be wrong. ;) Anyway, thanks for the question. It gave us something to do for a few minutes, at least.

11-14-2001

Hey guys, I have a question. What is the best way to make myself realize an apparent situation? I mean, there's a lot that I've learned about relationships and the opposite sex, but when I have a chance open before me, how do I make myself realize it? Lord knows I'm a moron. Help me get myself into a real relationship, or at least a happy one(not permanent, but worth having).

Aubs' Reply:
Hmmmm. Well, Ricardo (hehe--bet you haven't heard that in a while, have you?), I think this is a question that perhaps all males out there should pay attention to. Just kidding. Females should, too. This shit goes both ways. It seems to me that we normally don't see what's right in front of us. Instead, we don't see anything at all. Or we lie to ourselves and say we're seeing one thing when we're really seeing something else. Okay, that made no sense, but I'm gonna leave it because maybe someone out there will understand what the hell I was trying to say besides me. And if you do, maybe we should both seek psychiatric help. Anyway, back to your question, Ricardo. How do you get yourself into a relationship? Well, that takes two willing partners (no shit, right?). So the first thing you need to do is, when you like a girl and you think she's interested in you, at least try to get a feel for the situation, check out the vibe, y'know. I can't really tell you what signs to look for, because all girls are different. I know that I tend to get shy around guys I'm interested in, whereas I'm not really shy around guys I'm not interested in. Don't try too hard to get yourself into a relationship. Patience is definitely a virtue, and sometimes the person you're interested in just needs some time to come around to the idea of there being a relationship between the two of you. It seems that, sometimes, the more you try, the less likely you are to find yourself in a relationship. It's when you're not really looking or expecting it when it just plops into your lap. And you're like, "Where the hell did that just come from?" It's completely unexpected, which makes it all the better. So, Richard, hopefully some of that made some sense to you (or to somebody else). As you know, it hasn't really been a good week for any of us (all things considered) and I've had a lot on my mind. But I had this extra time to waste so I could get my Spanish computer lab time out of the way, so I decided to do this while I was at it. Maybe next week I'll be more coherent. I doubt it, though, since I'm still trying to answer my own questions (which are a lot like your question, actually). So, anyway. Adios and here's hoping that we all can get what we really want. :)

11-9-2001

(I'm supposing this is where we post our questions?) OK, I'm going to try to keep this pretty general. Me and this guy kind of hooked up awhile back and his ex-girlfriend was present. Later on, I find out that she's going around telling everyone that the only reason anything happened between the two of us was because he wanted to make her jealous. Truth be told, I don't care what she feels about the issue, but it bothers me that some people actually believe her when she tells them this. And believe me--it's not true. How should I address the issue? Should I just let it go and pretend nothing ever happened? I know it's not a sex question, but it's the closest thing I've got.
Erica

Aubs' Reply
I'm not really sure what to say here, so I think I'm just gonna give you some suggestions to ponder.

Maybe this girl said what she did out of hurt and anger. There are always circumstances that may or may not be known. Maybe there was something about the situation that you didn't know (same goes for her--maybe there was something about the situation she didn't know). It could be possible that she was not aware of the circumstances surrounding you and her ex-boyfriend. And even though they were no longer together, it's possible that she still cared about him in some way or another, and seeing him hooked up with you (or any other girl, for that matter) could have possibly hurt her--a lot. As for whether or not you should let this go--only you can decide that. But my advice would be to ask yourself, "Have we all moved on?" If it's a problem still--if she's still telling people this--then I would lean towards at least asking her about it. But if you're all moved on, then there's no reason to drudge up the past. From your statement, "a while back," I'm led to believe that this happened at least a month ago (if not longer). If this happened a while ago, odds are it doesn't even really matter much anymore. And yeah, it hurts to find out that someone has said something mean or untrue about you behind your back, but people do and say really stupid things sometimes. And granted, if this girl is someone you see on a daily basis and spend a lot of time around, it might be worth talking about just to help decrease any possible friction. But if you rarely see her or talk to her, I would suggest trying to put it behind you. Both of you. People and opinions change. And once again, people say and do really stupid things sometimes.

11-5-2001

Interesting site. What is more hilarious is two children in their early 20's who think they know enough about sex and relationships to give "expert" advice. Try learning to spell, first. Freaky Jon has been toying improperly with Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We don't use KY Jelly in the doughnuts. They are lubed with better tasting treats that are approved and tested for cunsumption.

Aubs' Reply
I know how to spell. Jonathan is the one who doesn't know how to spell. :-) We never said we know enough about sex and relationships to give "expert" advice...we just thought this would be a fun thing to do. So we did it. And Jonathan is not the person who is committing improper acts with Krispy Kreme donuts--that would be Dave (I have a feeling Jonathan's not gonna be too happy with being mixed up with Dave like that lol).

Jon's Reply:
Thank you Tee. I sure do feel better now knowing that there are in fact people in the world who make asinine comments without making sure they know just what the bloody hell they are talking about. First of all, when you wanna rip on someone for their spelling you better make damn sure you don't misspell anything yourself Miss "Cunsumption". And secondly, I didn't fuck a Krispy Kreme donut, that was Dave, so next time be sure to take notes since your memory seems to fail somewhere between reading the guestbook and actually signing the fucking thing. And Lastly, I don't know how many times I'm personally going to have to say this before everyone catches on, this is not expert advice in anyway, and I have never claimed it to be. This is at best my personal soapbox to jabber on about my overactive sex life. But Tee, when you decide to say something intelligent then you are more than welcome to come back. But until then kiss my Krispy Kreme abstaining ass.

11-1-2001

Yes, this is an actual serious question. I have been talking to a girl named lillian (The chick I sent you a pic of Jon). We went out once and everything went great. Then I talk to her, and she says she doesn't want to go out or do anything that could be serious. The reason : She says she is afraid that I am a player. Now, make all the jokes you want, because I laughed just as hard as you just did now. As a matter of fact, I said "You're kidding, right?" just as you said to yourself just now. So from what she said, this is what happened. Apparently I used the just the right mix of compliments, cocky attitude (not relating to my BIG PENIS), and those debate skills that allow me to twist around words and conversations, and it came off as too sweet/smooth/pimpish/ and she thinks I've said that to millions of girls. Again, SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF. Apparently its not just her, as she's told her friends what I've said on the phone, and they've seen some IM's, and are convinced I am a player. So, the question is, absent getting affidavits from EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME, how do I convince her that I'm not a player?

---Dave

Alright, it looks like Dave managed to piss everyone off and then magically placate one of them within 24 hours time. Bravo, that takes talent. But anyway, here goes nothing. Why do girls think Dave is a player, when he actually more closely resembles a llama with a huge, pulsing goiter? This is how it works Dave. I've seen you throw your game and I've seen you with the boys. So, like they say at least twice every episode in the children's shows, Just be yourself. Its that simple. Decide if you'd rather be the asskisser that every girl loves, but believes is too good to be true. Or the Asshole that all the guys know and hate. And thats exactly what it is, the game you throw is too good to be true. You seem like a perfect gentlemen, that washes his hair every two weeks (AT LEAST ONCE, EVERY TWO WEEKS) But they know that every man has a fault so pick one you fat piece of shit (hint hint) and run with it. Its that simple, dont seem like such a gentleman burp at dinner or something.

And Remember...

"Its only Premarital Sex if you plan on marrying Her"

Aubs' Reply:
Hmmm...that's very interesting. Why the hell would anyone think that about you, Dave? It doesn't make any sense. I have seen part of your game, however, and you do come off sometimes as being smooth (a little too smooth). Stop it! lol Just be yourself. And if this girl (and her friends) are delusional enough to believe you're a player...well, then, I would suggest they seek psychiatric help.

11-1-2001

Aubrey - about the virgin thing. You are somewhat correct, but not quite. yes, vaginas can stretch, but that takes time. Even if all females were like you and they gushed like Niagra Falls whenever they saw a guy with their shirt off, that doesn't not mean it's not gonna hurt the first time. That initial stretching is gonna hurt like a bitch even if you are just averagely hung (I am much bigger, it just so happens). It's just physics - I can lube up a Krispy Kreme donut with a vat of KY, but it's still gonna break when I fuck it (hypothetically). So all I ask is when someone finally lays the wood to you, and they have at least 5 inches, print a retraction. Cause I know you will be dripping like a faucet, and still have trouble walking/sitting afterwards. Foreplay does indeed help - gets away the "sandpaper" feeling. Ever try to run and jump on a Slip n' Slide without water?

Speaking of Aubrey, she always used to bitch about not getting any/meeting guys. She now has an ample opportunity at college. However, my buddy list says she spens a lot of time on-line. So my question is, The next time Aubrey bitches about not getting any, and I go here and see she has enough time to respond to 23 questions, is she entitled to get a barbed wire enema?

Click here to read Aubrey's reply

10-31-2001

hey guys,I have an all important question. Bear with me. If you were in a relationship, no matter how intense. could be good or great, or maybe it blows goats(hey dave). Is there an amount of time before you should even think about sex again. Would some consider it cheating if you had sex within 24 hours of breaking up with the other half

---Anonymous

Jon's Reply:
Happy Halloween Anonymous! Wow, that sure did seem impersonal. LOL (If you arent laughing FUCK YOU, that was funny) Ok enough jokes on with a very good question. Is it considered cheating, if you have been broken up less than 24 hours? Yes and no. No, If you are a male, go get ya some. Now, if the person was a female that she is a CHEATING WHORE, and I hope she slides under a gas truck and chokes to death on her own blood. (Ooops, that was a little gory, but hey its Halloween so fuck off). Anyway, Im sure you know I'm kidding. Seriously, no technically its not cheating. But here's something to think about. If a girl jumps off your jock and is immediatly on another guys jock less than 24 hours later you can be absolutely sure (well ok maybe not absolutely sure, but 99.872463% sure) that she was already riding his crotch steed before she ditched you. Women are in general, not easy to get at. But they are extremly spiteful. So if shes fuckin around with someone new the day after the two of you called it quits. Rest assured she was fuckin before you did. Thats it, end of story...

And Remember....

"Its Only Premarital Sex if You Plan On Marrying Her"

Aubs' Reply:
Yeah, Happy Halloween, Anonymous. Now, on to your question. Gee, Jonathan, I never realized you had such a high opinion of women. Well, anyway. In all honesty, I think a lot of your answer should come from your personal beliefs alone. And there are also lots of factors to take into consideration, too, such as the quality of the relationship, how long y'all had been together, etc. Think about sex again when you're ready to have sex again. You have no reason to answer to your ex. And if you wanna have sex within 24 hours of breaking up, go have sex. Have all the sex you want. And don't feel bad about it. Afterall, if you're not together anymore, it's not cheating. Granted, if the relationship ended amicably and y'all are still on speaking terms and there's still some affection there, sex within 24 hours of the breakup might not be such a good idea. But if it ended badly and you don't wanna have a damned thing to do with that person ever again, fuck it. I mean literally, fuck it. Go out and fuck whoever the hell you want and enjoy it. Sex doesn't have to mean anything, so don't think of it as meaning anything. We're biologically driven as humans to fuck like bunny rabbits--meaning all the freaking time. So don't worry about it. Do whatever the hell you want.