Maybe he's trying to be a bad ass pirate. Not a bad "ass pirate," but a "bad ass" pirate. "Grr, I'm a pirate, I have a narrator so I don't have to speak." Well, there are many starving kids out there without narrators, Paddington. And you're no pirate. Do you have a breakfast cereal with your name on it, Paddington? I think not. Leave the pirating to Captain Crunch.

Ok, now to the Conspiracy.

Paddington bear is known for wearing his famous hat. No, he didn't buy it at American Eagle Outfitters. He bought it from Rupert Murdoch's drag collection. His most intriguing piece of attire is the trenchcoat he sports. We all saw the Matrix. Trenchoats are bad news. I doubt Paddington is "the one" the oracle predicted would save the world, but you must admit, that trenchcoat is intriguing. Why blue? Why? It clashes with your brown bear fur. WHY?!?

Behold 3 pictures of Paddington bear.

First, notice the excessive amount of buttons on his trenchcoat. Perhaps he is a flasher and likes to flash Oprah after undoing 80 buttons. Or perhaps the buttons are deadly ninja attack buttons that he uses to attack his enemies with. Enemies like Curious George, who left Paddington because he was bicurous. Or perhaps he's getting revenge on Red Harring, who Freddy always accused of commiting the crime in the "A Pup Named Scooby Doo" series.

Second, pay careful attention to the exhorbiant use of pockets on Paddington Bear. He could be hiding batman style smoke bombs or batman style batarangs, or a batman style robin in his shorts. Maybe he's hiding secret maps to a secret location that isn't the bat cave, but a plastic dome that evil bears hide in.

Third, notice that we never see the inside of Paddington's trenchcoat EVER! Is it a different color? Maybe he reverses the thing to go switch to another secret identity. If we can guess Jerry O'Connell's secret identity, than we can guess Paddington's. I think he's posing as Rachel Leigh Cook. Wait, nevermind. He doesn't have enough clown whore makeup to match hers.

Fourth, he always walks suspiciously, as if he had something underneath his trenchcoat. Could it be guns. "rat tat tat tat," said Paddington as he shot up some mofos creepin' to his hood. Could cute cuddly Paddington bear be aiming to shoot your grandma for making too many meatballs? But then again, why would a bear want to carry guns. This leads me to my conclusion...

Paddington was involved in Tupac's death. It makes perfect sense. Someone hires Paddington to strap gats and drive by without notice. Who hired him? I believe it is none other than Stevie Wonder himself. Stevie wanted back the thug market. Tupac creeped in the wrong neighborhood, and Stevie hired the hit. That's California Love for ya.

That, and Paddington is probably a sex fiend. Who wears a coat and no pants. Even Yakko Warner had the decency to tie a potato sack around his pelvis.