Entry 000002; 09.05.01

Today I awoke to the melodious sounds of an old man screaming "SHUT IT OFF" on the other side of my door.

life is such bliss

So the landlord had an electrician in to fix the fuses. Then the electrician broke a pipe. Now the water doesn't work for the entire building. According to the landlord, he will be in here bright and early at 8 tommorro morning to fix it. Oh. Yay. I was going to sleep in until 11:45. I sigh.

It's really not that bad. I showered at school. And I've been going to the bathroom in Honey Farms. Honey Farms rocks. It was worse at my house, whenever we DID have water, but it was winter, and the water heater was broken, or we ran out of oil. Or whatever. Then I would have to get a huge pot and boil it over the stove, and sort of make a makeshift shower out of that. Now, THAT sucked.

I've been debating over whether or not to post old stories I wrote when i was 11 online. They suck. They are REALLY bad. But for my age, i suppose they weren't that bad. And i like them, because they make me remember who i was and what i was like back when i wrote them. it's like looking through a photo-book...Well, if i do, i'll have to also make a re-vamped version for each one, and link that to it. Just to prove i don't COMPLETELY suck.

Ha Ha HA.....oy. So my complete and utter lack of emotion right now tells me that my brain is probably about to overflow with some kind of crazy passionate crying jag or hilarious outburst. I suppose if i were just medocre all the time, i'd get bored, so i think the way i am is good for now. For Now.

Mmm...ellios pizza...why do you tempt me so?

Why the hell can't i keep a thought in my head right now? I keep on thinking of things I want to write here, and then forgetting a minute later.

So....disjointed

So yeah, as for life...

It's been a bad....month/summer/year? and i think i'm on teh downslope of the sinusoidal wave that is my life. The only thing i can think of to do is to hit rock bottom, and fast, so i can get started with the fun positive slope that is glee. However. I'm afraid hitting bottom will end up involving a lot of stuff that i DO NOT want to happen. Like with my grandmother. My grandmotehr is the fucking man. she's hte coolest thing on this planet. But she's really sick. My dad says she's going to die soon, except in more words. I have all these regrets about never learning chinese so i will never get to really talk to her. But i mean it's not like i tried. I asked my dad..he just refused. and i tried reading books. But it didn't catch. You can't learn a language that's based on tone and inflection with a book. Even the book said so. It's first instruction is to "find a chinese speaker"

So yeah, i want the bottom to happen. But i'm afraid of what will come with it. Because do these fluxes happen because i'm causing them (mind powers perhaps?) or because the outside world is effecting me? I worry about this.

So right now...I'm just sitting here...comfortably numb (i have become...) I was feeling kinda down, but i saw houxby and yeah i guess that is what everyone needs. When you are feeling down and like people you love don't love you anymore, just go to where there are people who love you unconditionally. So houxby is my solice at times...Mostly all times. I don't know sometimes i think "oh she's just and old friend, and i don't feel the same way towards her as i used to" and then i really think about her. And then perhaps i see her, and i remmeber "yeah, i remember love" and i realize i do still love her. I do still love her and always will, as much as the most i ever have. And i know i've got my shortcomings, and she's got hers, but somehow we manage to just love each other unconditionally and in the purest sense. Everytime i see her, i feel elated for a while after. I float around and have that....thing...about me. you know the look. if it's happened to you, or someone you know, you know the look. it's the look of someone who's just fallen in love, who's in love, who's just struck dumb by it. That's how she makes me feel.

and don't get me wrong. i'm not gay. not like there is anything wrong with that. it's not sisterly, because there isn't any of that cattyness, that "forced together" ness to it. it's just love in the purest sense of the word, from one human to the next. and she keeps me human. she keeps me from screaming at what i see in the mirror every morning.

I want houxby to move to worcester and live with me. When we used to hang out all the time, i always planned on just growing up, me and her, and i could take care of her, and she could keep me human. then when we stopped being together so much, when i kind of fogot about her...essence...i thought "well that's a stupid idea. the last thing you need is to have to take care of someone else" but when i see her i get that old feeling again. i think she does that to people. she makes them want to spend their lives making her happy. i would center my life around this, if life were perfect. but life isn't perfect. and stuff like me being her best friend forever and just us always getting to hang out everyday just won't happen.

So about life...

So what now? are we going to end up dragging this out again? some more? we'll move the breakup until next summer? then the summer after that? as it stands now we break up mid-september. but he still wants to come visit me. and i know i need a life, independant of him. i don't want to carry my phone around with me anymore, afraid of hurting his feelings by not being there when he calls. but how do you tell those big green eyes of his that? and how do you react when he gets that sad little puppy dog expression on his face? and i can't do anything to hurt him, he's been so...perfect.

AhaHHA...i just took this "personality disorder test" online that i found on jim's page. (just for fun...i know i'm perfectly sane). here are my scores:
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Schizotypal
"Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

Take the test if you want. But i warn you, they're CRAZY!
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv