Entry 000005; 09.07.01

Tommorro is supposed to be the final and FINAL breakup with drooly.

I sorta tried to break up with drooly around december or so last year. however, i looked into those big green eyes and thought "how could i hurt him!? and i do still love him...." So we ended up remaining together, except that i was allowed to see other people. i thought i could get it out of my system and then go back to him (and no, i wasn't completely deluded, i did realize it probably wouldn't work)

Towards the end of the winter, I also wanted to leave drooly. Again, it didn't work.

this spring, right when school got out, i told myself "ok, i've dragged it on too far. this has got to stop, it's unhealthy" so i told him we shouldn't see each other. but then we both realized we coudln't just STOP seeing each other, so we decided to stay as good friends and see each other, just not be "together".

oh RIGHT like that would ever work. so drooly talked me into, and i talked myself into, staying with him until he starts school

So he's starting school next saturday, which means this saturday is the last time i see him before he leaves. So...I was thinking about it last night and the night before, and i thought about how much i love him, how much i loved him back when we were both in norwell, and i thought "i'm going to hug him when he gets out of the car to leave, and i won't be able to let go." doubts plagued me. What if i was making a mistake? What if he truly is the best that there is (not like he's bad in the slightest) He's the only boy who's ever loved me. And he's also the only boy who's ever told me i'm beautiful. So you can't blame me when i worry that finding another one is going to be a little difficult. i want to go through with the breakup, because i'm so tired and sick of how everythign is with us, mostly with me. But i also want to stay with him forever, and have it be like it was for the first year of our relationship. I mean who's to say any relationships i have after this won't be worse? And he's so sweet, and wonderful, and he just....has all the important, extremely hard to find qualities that no other boys i know have.

I sigh.