Entry 000008; 09.10.01

This day. Was Such. A Waste.

Tommorro is a test and an assignment as a mental prostitute. I think i'll scrimp a little on today's entry.

later

Ok so yeah wait. Maybe i won't scrimp this entry so much.

I've been thinking a lot about friends and all, and what i want in a friend, and how i want a life.

Last year i never stopped studying. And you know what, it sucked. I had no life. I keep thinking, when i'm 80, will i care more that i had a high GPA, or will i care more that i had friends and i had a really fun life?

So i've decided i want a life. I want friends and i want things to do and i want to have fun and i want to laugh and prance around and laugh so hard i pee my pants.

So i've been thinking a lot about friends, especially since my best friend just dumped me and can't even stand to look at me. I've been thinking about what i want in a friend, what kind of friend i want to be. I want to be back in eight grade with alicia and houxby and i want to prance around supermarkets and i want to skip school and go to the beach, and i want to just be a kid.

So i've been sitting here, just wondering how the hell i can go about getting friends. not just normal aquantanced either. i want the kind of friends you can talk to, whom you can just hang out with and not have to say anything, who understand and listen to you, at least, to the best of thier ability. I want friends who can talk to me, who feel comfortable around me. I want friends who know they are understood by me, who aren't afraid of me or ashamed that i know things about them and in general, i want a true friend

it gets depressing sometimes, and it seems like true people who's company i actually enjoy just no longer exist. Mathmatically i would think it works though. i mean if i could find two great friends in a school with 200 people in it, surely i can find someone to hang out with in a college campus. yet, how do i go about this?

I know people. but none of them are really close to me. Orgasmic was my best friend and now he won't even talk to me. Bill and rookie and silas and jill and teresa, well they are all great people and all but none of them really seem like they care one way or the other whether i exist or not. my roomates all have thier own seperate lives and i kind of like it that way, it leaves things uncomplicated.

My friends back home are back home, and nothing i can do can get them to come here, and i just can no longer afford to go there. drooly is in northeastern, and though it would be easy to see him once a week now, i really want to try to focus on building a life independant of him, so i don't feel like i have a missing chunk out of my heart when i lie down to go to sleep everynight. a lot of my friends from back home that are in college just don't seem to care anymore

this is all well and good and all. people need to grow up and see the world and hang out with different people and all that. but in the meanwhile, i'm sort of floating in a flux. i woudln't mind so much if i wasn't so acutely aware of how little true youth i have left. I still consider myself a kid, but i can only do that for so long, without people looking at me wierdly.

So for the time being, i will just have to settle with being friendly to everyone, and hoping some poor fool will be my friend. Or i could do it like invader zim, and pick up the biggest losers i can find, then subjecting them to tests, such as "absorbency" and "electrical conductivity" and whomever passes gets the honor of being my BEST FRIEND

I was thinking of kerry today. wondering where she is, how she is, how her baby is. Thinking of her makes me feel old. And sad. it brings back a lot of regrets that i have, and we all know the main fuck of regrets is that you just can't take those back.