Entry 000011; 09.16.01

My bubble hath burst.

Earlier, I was dancing around my room in my underwear, thinking about what a splendid, happy thing this is to do, and how i shoudl do so more often. Then I guess a straw fell down, and the poor little camel got crushed into a big pile of bloody fur.

houxby and lychee came to visit me today. it was awesome. they brought me a giant pumpkin, and a dancing larry doll (oh my god you should see it. i almost peed my pants watching it today) and a pair of okabashi's for my birthday. how cool is that? then we went and got awesome chinese food, and hung out at my apartment. We listened to some stuff they wanted me to listen to, watched our old spanish project on video, and got purple passion pill ice cream (do try). We even painted a section of my kitchen green with blue polka dots. none of my roomates like it, especially rach__l (who was downright evil about it) but it doesn't matter, because i think it looks good, and they don't really care either way.

we went to bill's house to watch that 70's show. and yes, i knew it was A Very Bad Idea at the time, knowing bill, and knowing all human reaction to the sight of houxby. yet still i went. why? because i am a MORON.

So of course, houxby sat down, and within 5 minutes of being there, bill sat ON her. This is his method of picking up women. As of yet, i don't know how to portray his success rate. of course, she stood right up and sat on the floor, as anyone with taste and tact would be prone to do. He then proceeded to talk to her, and completely ignore alicia, not even to say hi. which of course makes sense, because well, she's houxby.

so in leaving, alicia and houxby did so silently, then proceeded to express disgust in the general direction of bill. yeah. i can understand that. sure can. bill has been nicer, and more tactful this year, but he still could use a few classes at obedience school.

I knew of course then, and i knew it before houxby even entered worcester, that she would be the only thing people talk about for weeks and perhaps months to come. this is always the way. people see her once and fall in love with her. or something. not only that, but they also imagine that have some sort of a chance. Fools

So of course, bill proceeded to SIT ON houxby, making her extremely uncomfortable, and everyone else in the room ashamed on his behalf. alicia thinly veiled her disgust. We left soon after we got there.

Houxby, i'm sure, will be the only thing i hear about for the next few weeks in bill's apartment. i think i should probably just steer clear.

So, well, that's all ok. i expect that sort of behavior from bill. and bill doesn't know that everyone else is in love with her, as i'm sure he fell once he saw her.

what got me was nathan and jill saying it. I have discussed how i feel about this "world in love with houxby" issue before, i'm certain. and yet, they went ahead and said blah blah blah"

nathan wasn't so bad. he said she was cute. he said he woudln't ask for her number because i'd talk her out of going near him, and because he realizes he doens't have a chance with her.

something occured to me then.

I'm always trying to analyze the secret of why everyone loves houxby. this time, i'm focusing on her projected accessibility. i noticed that everyone always thinks they have a chance with her. Everyone. even the hugest losers, who know they are the hugest losers, think they have a chance with her. Why is this though? Is it her friendliness? is it just because everyone always feels that he and she specifically are meant to be so much, that they are deluded into believing they have the ability to obtain the most sought after girl i've ever heard of in my life? I'm hoping it's her friendliness, because that is the only realistic option i can hope to imitate. So maybe it's something about her that is so friendly that raises the self esteem of the people around her, so they not only believe they have a chance, but they also realize they like being around her, because feeling confident is a good way to feel.

the thing is, i've thought of this before. Many times. and i've tried it myself. test studies have shown that in a case study of a given situation with the same guy; both houxby and i act exactly the same, exactly equally as friendly, the guy will go running after houxby, leaving me pondering, and sulking, in the dust. someone, please, explain this to me. another fact: Houxby can be downright surly sometimes. she gets sulky, like a child that needs a nap, and she's just boring and depressing to hang around with when she's in a no-people mood. we all have them, it's not like she's a jerk. she just has them more intensely, and more frequently than most people do. YET. they always run to houxby.

Also, i don't think i exactly portray an impenitrable shroud of un-acessability myself. i mean, i have NEVER refused anyone who asked me out (two people total...only one of them knew me.) and have you SEEN the guys i've been in relationships? christ! not to insult drooly, he is the best one of them all, and much more than i ever hoped to have in this life time, but even drooly was a fight to obtain. there was freddy the brainless wonder. and andrew and orgasmic the boys who didn't even like me. and how could we all forget ook, the famous giant asshole of all time. so i would defintely say that anyone who knew me even the slightest would know that no, i am not a difficult person to obtain.

Um. not like i'm desperate or anything. no. i swear. ugh. shut up ashia.

So i guess the hologram of accessability thing isn't it. back to the drawing board.

so after this incident with nathan, it brings me a little down, but i'm still high on my day with houxby and lychee. houxby's presence always gives me a float-y, high, in love feeling that stays with me for another 12 hours or so. Lychee's presence always brings out the most intense inspiration and feeling of mirth that lasts for weeks. so as i'm sure you can guess, i'm still feeling pretty fucking good.

so i dance around in my underwear for a while, celebrating life, love, and curtains

Then i start taking to jill.

and as nathan later pointed out, i do realize that jill does say this about everyone. and i do realize that sometimes jill does lack a certain measure of sensetivity. yet, she's what finally got to me.

Oh ashia! and that girl you were with today, my she was gorgeous! she was beautiful blah blah blah blah. and on and on. and i said "yes jill. i know. everyone loves her. bill loves her, nathan loves her, orgasmic loves her, every male, and probably also female who went near her today and every other day loves her." is my sarcasm not evident here? i thought i made it pretty clear that GOING ON ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. yet she kept going. i asked her, what is it? she's white with freckles, she's built like a young boy. she's got boring colored hair and average colored eyes. so what is it that makes her so beautiful? i would really like to know so i can draw whatever it is on me, so i can get some freaking action for once. and on jill went, "don't be dismayed, she has that pretty, pretty face." shut up jill. i think you are a wonderful girl and all. but just shut up.

luckily, i don't have any interest in anyone around here anyway (yeah, i could by lying, but what would be the use? this is my journal, and no one i know reads it anyway--so trust me, the people i know here are gross.) so i dind't get my heart broken, on top of having a deflated ego.

and i suppose, a part of it is that i love houxby, and i want to be the one who takes care of her and has her around for the rest of my life. i love her just as much as any of those other people do. maybe moreso, since i can see past her bubbly demeanor and her face, and see the annoying stuff to, and love her still. (and the fact that every guy i've ever loved has loved her more) so maybe it's just jealousy OVER her. but i dont' think so. cause the thing is, (and this is a good thing).

she loves me the MOST. out of all the people in the world who long to be by her side, i'm the one she loves the best. i mean, outside of family and everything, i'm her favorite person. imagine the ego boost. you love this amazing, wonderful girl, whom everyone wants to be with, and she wants to be with YOU, over all those other fuckers. she'd rather sit in my room and watch me type crap than be with those other suckers.

eat THAT, bill.