Entry 000015; 09.20.01

"And she'll say, 'Daddy, you BASTARD, you've been reading my journal!'"_Stressed Eric

Drooly you little bastard.

However, it's kinda nice to know that there are people who care about me enough to ignore the "go away, you ain't allowed" signs all over the place to see what i'm pondering over in my head. So I'm kind of at a toss up.

I mean, on one hand, i want people [my friends, and people who want to be my friends] to know what i'm thinking and what's going on with me. To read what i write, to be interested in what i'm doing. I believe the way that you can tell if a person cares about you is whether they REALLY pay attention to the things you love, to what you say and how you are feeling. In my case, it's writing. It's sort of the way I can tell if anyone gives a shit, and if any, then who

But the problem is, this is a real journal. That means it's saturated in stuff that i would never talk about. Today I was sobbing in the middle of my math class, thinking about what i'm going to do next year if all my roomates move out on me. And you know what? As soon as I got within eyesight of any one i knew, i smiled and acted like i was having the time of my life. Because that's what i do. That's the POLITE thing to do. A polite person doens't whine and cry and wait for people to ask her what's wrong. She smiles and makes people feel like there is nothing to worry about, because people don't LIKE feeling sad, and seeing someone else sad is almost certain to bring you down at least a little.

Back to the point. This is a real journal. That means i whine, and i whine a LOT in it. I think i have a right to, since i try not to whine about shit that bugs me in real life. I don't want to burden people. And I don't want to impose this rude whiny "feel bad for me" vibe on the nice people who read my journal. Does this make any sense?

So I want people to read what I write. And it just happens that I write most of the stuff in my journal. And I want people not to be burdened with my whiny, inner angsty teenager.

There is also the problem of hurting people's feelings. I don't worry about most of the people. I know the people I really bash here (for example, everyone at WPI) don't give a shit about me, and therefore would never read the stuff I write, so I don't have to worry about it. I worry about people like Drooly, and Houxby, and Lychee and people I know who love me, but whom sometimes get into conflict with. Since this is my journal, I like to write about this stuff. I need to write about this stuff. And I like having my journal "open to the public" because it makes it more likely that i'll go read it again later, and I like to do that. Also, it gives those people who care about me a chance to know what's going on inside my head. But the thing is, I could see some of the things I saw, not about them, but just as information, could hurt them (for example "with whom and what" in drooly's case). And I really don't want to do that. So for the time being, I'll just leave the warning message up. I thought about putting little flags in brackets next to the links, such as [No Drooly's] when I talk about a sensetive subject concerning that person. But then I realized that would be just a huge 'README" sign, in neon, next to that link. I mean if I saw something that said "NO ASHIA'S!" I would DEFINTELY click on it.

Now that I think about it, that is an EXCELLENT way of getting people to read my stories. I shall use this.

This journal entry is so useless. I feel lack of inspiration. I need to hang out with some interesting people for once. Houxby is coming over on sunday at least. And Drooly "might" come visit me Friday (i hope i hope i hope)

Speaking of drooly visiting...

Oog. That is SUCH a bad idea. But i miss him! I miss him so much! And it seems like lately, and actually, for the last couple of years, he's the only one who seems to give a damn about me. I wish I could go back out with him, but I know it's for all the wrong reasons, and I know it's better if we are apart. And I know if i see him too soon, we'll just end up together again. But I miss!!