Entry 000018; 09.22.01

I'm not happy.

I could list off several things that could be triggering it, the most prevalent being my own refusal to just get over it. However, the main idea here is that I just am not content.

I can't really say that i'm normally content. But I do know that this sort of meloncholy that has been following me around for the last couple of months isn't what is normal. I've looked over my journal entries for the last couple of weeks, and they're depressing. I half expect one of the few friends of mine who read it to email me and say "oh just get over it, all you do is whine." But I also know, I'm not forcing anyone to read this, so they really have no right to comment on what I choose to talk about anyway.

So if you are looking for the reasons I'm not happy, I'm sure very little detective work would lead you to just read over the first 17 of my journal entries, and that would explain it for you there. But I don't want to focus on what is making me unhappy; I already know the causes. I want to find out how to make myself happy, or at least content again. To make myself a little Eyore-esque.

I always thought that if i find the source of the problem, then that will eventually lead to the solution of the problem. Most of the time, the solution is just to eliminate the source. however, you can't just kill Orgasmic because he won't be my best friend. And I can't just kill Drooly because it's not healthy to go out with him. And I can't just obliterate WPI because I'm not doing well in classes. So another approach is probably called for.

This evening, I lay in bed for about an hour or so, staring at nothing, a mostly-empty gallon of orange juice sitting on my stomach. Between zenful revelations, I would take sips of orange juice. It's an enlightening experience, and I suggest that more people do it more often.

So during this brief moment of relfection, pondering, and deliberation, I tried to come up with different ways of politely telling my melancholy to fuck off.

So I realized "To get what I want, I need to know what it is." I tried to envision the way everything would be if my life was perfect. Nathan wouldn't be threatening to leave, Orgasmic would still be my best friend. Drooly and my relationship would be perfectly healthy and wonderful. I would be doing superbly in school. My grandparents wouldn't be dying, and I wouldn't fall asleep lonely, with repetative images of a nightmare playing and replaying in my head. Unfortuantely, I can't control the way other people are, or the way they think. And I can only do the best I can in school, and deal with the monsters in my closet as well as I have been. Also, I realized something frightening. I would be happy and content, and I would have absolutely no reason to write, no emotional motivation whatsoever. This is a frightening thought.

Then I tried perspective, which is my usual way of getting out of a rut. I tried to envision the worst that could happen. All of my roomates would move out, and I would be forced to move back home and quit school. Drooly and I would end up hating each other. So yes. It could be worse. What bothers me the most is the extreme likelyhood of everything going to hell.

I tried to divide up these things, and tackle those which I had the most ability to control. I got through my apartment problem before I finally ran out of orange juice. At the worst, Nathan, Orgasmic, and Robert will move out. So that leaves three places to fill. Rach__l has a friend who likes it here. Freddy seems....adamant...about moving here, and a fifth person might even be optional. So that is one less thing to worry about.

Right?