Entry 000021; 09.25.01

I'm writing this two days late (it's been a weird, hectic week) so I can't really remember anything that happened before say, midnight.

I hung out at Bill's house. It's so strange to actually feel comfortable there. As if i'm there visiting my friends, instead of following Orgasmic to visit his friends. It's a wonderful feeling. Around three in the morning, Bill walked me home. Orgasmic has ceased even to care whether I get raped on the way home. I don't suppose I blame him that much. I mean, everytime he looks at me, he must be reminded of what a shitty friend he is. I imagine it would be easier to say "Oh Ashia was murdered on the way home" instead of "Oh I stopped being Ashia's best friend because I have a girlfriend now and she's useless to me."

Where is my orange juice? One second...

Ah. Here it is. On with the story

So I got home, and everyone was already asleep (except Orgasmic--he's started sleeping at Bill's now). So I'm still not really tired, and I go online and of course, talk to Bill.

I realized a lot of things. We talked until some ridiculous hour in the morning. Talking to someone who is completely different from the normal people I have discussions with brought me to some startlingly relavant things that are going on right now, with me and everyone else in the world. My mind came up with brand new things, which was cool. I've actually realized what it means to say you learn different things about yourself from different people. The following is a summary of what I sort of realized before and a little after having that long discussion.

We're growing up too fast. I think that was probably the main idea of everything. Not just my friends and I, but everyone in our particular situation. We're sophomores in college, and we're finally feeling the weight that impending adulthood brings with it. I've always thought of myself as responsible, but I've always known I could never do all the things an adult has to do. I kind of just assumed that when I got to that age, I'd have learned what was necessary by then, kind of like working your way through elementary school. Being in college has shown me that you need to go out and learn a lot of things for yourself without being pushed first. You have to be completely self-motivated. It's a scary thought. Because instead of people saying "know A, B, and C" and then sending you on your way, they're getting lazy, and now they just tell you "go find out what you are supposed to know on your own, you're an adult now." It's scary to think that we can really fuck things up now. Soon, I'll no longer have adults looking over my shoulder and telling me what I'm doing wrong. Now I just have to do everything myself, and do it right, because if I fuck up, it's all me, and no one is going to catch it before it's too late.

I've always assumed that being a good friend means being there for your friend. It means listening and caring and doing everything in your power to make thier lives good. And I was always suprised as fuck when those people whom I had given so much to would just leave me when I was no longer necessary for comfort. Weren't these bastards supposed to be greatful or something? However, I've recently learned that being a good friend is a little more than just sitting there and listening, being a shoulder to cry on. A lot of it is more of an exchange. You need to tell them what is wrong with you, what's upsetting you. I think it makes them feel more important, to know that they are trusted with your emotions. It also gives them somethign else to focus on, rather than thier currently sucky lives. It's an interesting idea. Also, everyone gets sick of the martyr.