Entry 000024; 09.29.01

Ridiculous.

With a few (and i do mean literally few) hours of sleep underneath my belt, I have a little more perspective on things so now I don't really feel upset about things. I just feel foolish and ridiculous.

This morning after writing for a bit and getting all pissed off, I thought the best method of action would be to drive over to Bill's house and kick the crap out of him. This would probably have been a good idea, except that I really suck at beating the shit out of someone.

He asked that I sit down and talk about it. Stupidly, I did. I don't know what i wanted him to say, mostly I just wanted him to lie. I wanted him to say "aha no, that wasn't it at all. i was just joking around." So I wouldn't feel like a giant moron for falling for a false friend. So I wouldn't feel so let down and alone. Instead, he said "I never was pretending to be your friend. I was pretending to be an asshole. I thought I made that perfectly clear."

Well yes gee. I feel better now. Now that I know he was making it OBVIOUS that he wasn't really my friend, and I still didn't catch on.

It makes me worry about my state of independance. Is this really who I am, what I am like? Am I so desperate for a friend around here that I'll fall for whomever will spend a minute with me? Apparantly so.

So I realize now that I never should have gotten upset over this. Bill was only being true to his nature, just like he was when he sat on Houxby, just like he was when he was a royal asshole last year. Who am I to think that someone will want to be my friend with no strings attached? I think I've lost a loose grip on reality there, believing I'm anything worth shit. Of course, I'm sure he must be feeling his own pain now, I mean, being rejected by Ashia is really hitting the bottom of the fucking barrel.

I've decided that if things go the way I see them ( and they always do) at the end of the year I'm going to move somewhere....else. I'll go to school for writing, I'll try as hard as possible not to forget the two years I've spent here, but at least make myself believe that it wasn't me to went through such foolishness. I was a fool to believe I could be any good at math or technology. I was a fool to believe I could pretend to be something I'm not. I was a fool to think that the rest of my life consists of something more than tedium, work, and an almost violent independance.

And by the way, I think it's about time I retire the nice girl persona early. She was tough to keep up, flaky, and far far far too gullible.