Entry 000029; 10.04.01

I'm tired of not writing for fear that I'll sound like something I don't want to be. Whatever I am, my writing will reflect it, be it good or bad. And dammit, if want to wallow around in a subject and sulk and moan and bitch, I have a right to do it in my journal, so long as I'm not chasing down people and asking them to read it. Right?

I just have this fear of sounding whiny.

So the truth is this; I feel like just melting into hot wax and soaking into the floor. I feel like hiding inside myself and not letting anyone get near me again. I feel like i want to just stop existing and float in peace, free from other people; sartre's hell.

I know this entire thing isn't just the result of one specific thing, but more a sequence of events. But I guess the Bill thing just pushed me over the edge. My best friend stops loving me over the summer. Nathan always talking about transferring. Bill telling me he never was trying to be my friend, and even that attempting to seduce me was scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I know i should tell myself anything people like this say isn't worth shit and I'm above it. But I'm not. If enough people say and do this shit, it starts to stick.

I just feel like folding in on myself and waiting for the earth to age. I'll come out again eventually, probably, I just don't want to be in this world at this time, the way this is.

I want a happy life that i can't see before-hand. I want good surprises . I want to live in ignorant bliss as to when the people I love and depend on leave me or die.

I want to stop worrying. I want someone I can talk to. I want my friends to stay with me forever; at least the belief that those I love will love me in turn forever. I want to believe in something lasting forever.

I want to believe that actions I take now can affect how things turn out in the future. I want to believe I have a choice in my life, who I am, what I do. I want control.

Life is a beautiful creep. It's so tempting and elusive, and such a careless bastard.

So I want to melt. And I want to be alone with someone holding me close.

I want to believe in Marcus and I want to live my life wihtout fear of failing him.

I want complete and utter contradictions, everywhere and only in a few places.

I want to stop getting lost in my own head and the minds of others. Part of me wants to cease to care and the other part, it just doens't feel right not to.

I just don't want here. I don't want now, and I certainly don't want this.

I want to be more appreciative; i want to feel less guilty.

I want people to feel towards me exactly the same way I feel towards them.

I want to stop smiling for the sake of other people. I want to not be stressed and pent up and waiting for a time to be alone so I don't have to pretend to be happy in the call of manners.

I want to go for a long walk on a cold dark night and never come back.