Entry 000030; 10.06.01

So; It didn't work. I wanted to try and escape this place a little while. Maybe in the middle of my escaping, decided whether I wanted to dissapear forever or just end up going back. Of course, I came back. Where else would I have to go?

I started to feel pretty good the farther away from worcester I got. I even smiled, as in, not a fake smile I put on for someone else's benefit, to be polite and easy to deal with. And it stayed that way for a few hours, before I realized how little option I had about going back, and how as soon as I returned, I would still have the same problems, and still feel the same way about everything. I wasn't really escaping at all, or running away, so much as tryign to forget for a little while.

I did, however, realize something this morning. I was thinking about how I wished I was happy again like i was way back when. As I sat there, thinking of the last time I was truly happy, I reminisced over the couple of years I spent with drooly, and how nice that was. Then I realized while I was happy with him, there were little things that bugged me, like working all the time, and worrying about money. So I thought past that, into sophomore year in high school when everyone worshipped me as a god. But I soon realized that being worshipped as a god gets old real fast, and even though I was happy, most of it was me forcing myself to think of something else. I realized that 'happy year' ran exactly parallel to the 'lost year' (as i am fond of calling it) when I was lost in a maze of angst and teenage woe over the Ook and Houxby dilemma.

It was around then I realized that I never really have been absolutely delighted, with no problems ahead of me and nothing tugging on my sleeve. This is sort of a sad realization, I know, but freeing as well. As long as i know that no matter what I do and what perspective I take, i'm going to be sad, then at least i won't spend all my time thinking of how much better things would be if i was happy, if everything was perfect. Now I can focus on the present and stop working and pulling shit around trying to get it all set up for that 'perfect time' when everything will be set into place. I've realized the futility of hard work. No matter how hard I try in school, in work, in relationships with people, it will never pay off. This gives me some slack, I suppose.

It is disheartening to realize that all those years i spent working at jobs, in school, and towards other people's love and appreciating never will truly realize its payoff, yet at least i've caught it before i died and wasted my life.

So I've decided to fuck it all. Instead of wondering where I will be happy, WPI, Northeastern, hell, etc, I can just say "well no matter where i am i'm going to be mopey and miserable, so let's just fuck it all and pretend to have a good time." I know this isn't a great outlook, but I'm all out of ideas for the moment.

So I'm going to see how this term goes. And if I can pass this EE class, and if one person at WPI can make me feel like less of a joke and a loser of a human being, then I'll sit out the rest of the year. And I'll look into Northeastern, and if I can transfer all my shit and find a decent apartment with Alicia, maybe I'll go for that next year.

I just feel uncomfortable without a plan. I spent all this time looking foward to things like "well for the next three years i will live HERE and have THESE friends and go to THIS school..." and now everything is all kaplooey and I don't exactly know where to go from here. I guess this is the year for winging it.

In other related news yet not really;

In refrence to some slightly-much earlier journal entries, about the entire personality thing: Well it looks like this "nice girl" thing has been all shot to hell. Between evil people and a want of...expressing more emotion that wide-eyed happiness in public, I think I need to kill her off. I worked on that this weekend, witnessing her slow, painfully quiet and unobtrusive demise (it's so like her you know-and it angers me). But I haven't killed her off completely. Part of my reason is that I feel as if i haven't given her a fair chance. The other part is that I'm afraid I don't have a backup. I mean yeah I can get rid of the nice girl, but what can i morph into in the meanwhile? Who will I be?

So i thought, a really interesting thing to do would be just to kill her and end it there. Scrape away the mask and see what smoulders underneath. I don't know if it'll be that crazy image I get when I think of the sandstorm girl, or some kind of hideous monster (which is mostly what i am afraid of....and expect) or some boring, mundane average person. The average person is the scariest of them all.

So. I guess that decides it then. Commence peeling and scraping away the mask and see what twisted figure has been hiding underneath all this time.