Entry 000034; 10.16.01

I've been trying to study all day, and around 7ish (it's 2am now) i got this increadible urge to do anything BUT study. Everytime i look at the book, my eyes either glaze over and focus out, while my mind wanders out into the distance, or I simply scan my eyes over the words and nothing goes into my head. I've noticed this happening a lot in my EE class too. I seriously catch about three sentences, then I wander off. Whenever I catch myself, I put all my effort into watching the professor and listening again, but I try so hard that i think about trying hard..then i think about why it's so difficult to pay attention...then i think about....anything but what the guy is saying. i was a little better in class today because I was so desperate to understand everything since the finals are tommorro and thursday, and there aren't any classes left for me. Sigh.

So I can't remember whether I've already recorded this or not, but i've finished off killing off my last personality a little while ago. Now I'm remembering why I built up all these personas. I don't like being the person under the mask. I'm too vunerable, too boring, to frightened. The last time I felt like this was in sixth grade, right before I turned into...I can't even remember who the first person I turned into was, but it was a mask, and I've been wearing them since then. I've found that I keep changing traits, thoughts, ideas, morals, EVERYTHING every few seconds and it makes things very hard to concentrate on. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I've been having so much trouble concentraing on things. This entire thing is wierd and inconsistant. I'll be sweet and nice to a person one day, and really want to be around them, and then five minutes to two days later, I'm indifferent to them, or even angry towards them. Luckily poor drooly hasn't been talking to me much, since he's sick and busy with school things. Nathan noticed it, as i read in his journal anyway, but he hasn't noticed exactly how fluctuating things are moment by moment. I have to find a new mask, and I have to find one soon.

I know it's too early to settle for the "ultimate" ashia,and although I have a rough idea of her in my head, I still don't have the courage/layout/effort to do that for a while, especially since I'm not even comfortable in my own skin. I'm thinking of something maybe with a quiet, powerful dignity. Something inspired by Victory of Samothrace perhaps. I got that idea yesterday while i was walking into the wind with my big blue prom dress and my wings on, thinking I must look like the most absurd version of the statue ever seen. Another option is that recluse I've been seriously thinking about. But I know I won't be happy that way, and isn't that the point? To be happy? I keep thinking I should go back to one of my old personalities, one of the ones I really truly enjoyed being, like who I was when I was a bubbly happy person whom everyone liked. But I know I'm too old to wear that face with any sort of dignity, and I lack the energy.

In less mentally taxing news, I was woken up today by Nathan and Robert, giving me "birthday presents." It was hilarious, and i'm sure I would have been laughing a lot harder had I been awake. Robert gave me a little green bible-like book, New testament, I don't know what the differences are all that clearly, but it's got words written by religious people, and that's enough for me. I'm gonna read it and see if I can find anythign wonderfully humorous/corrupt/etc to make a spin out of. I've always meant to read the bible. I really wanna see what all the fuss is about. Nathan got me some papertowels wrapped in papertowels, which is what I thought Robert's gift was before I felt it. I couldn't really see through the entire ordeal, me not being awake and all. But it vas very nice of them to think of me.

I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. Last night the rotating, half-awake nightmares came back. They were different, but the feel was the same, the saddness was the same. This time, I get a call from my mother and I'm standing in the kitchen, looking out the window as she's talking to me. I see simutaneously myself from the outside, behind me and to my right about 5 feet, and from inside my own body. My mother is telling me news, horrible news, the worst news that could ever happen. My mother tells me that my cousin Ray Ray is dead. My most favorite boy. The boy I think of when I think of loving a child so fiercely you can barely contain it. He's what I think of when I think of how I will someday love my children. I grew up with Ray Ray, his giant pumpkin head and his big, shining grin. He's in his teens now, and as a teenage boy, he isn't all that interested in hanging out with his older cousin. But one day he'll come back and love me and hug me as much as he used to when we were little(r). Ray Ray is one of my reasons for living. In my awake-dream, I hold the phone on my left hand, my stomach drops through the floor. I freeze and am either unable or unwilling to speak. I lose control of my muscles and fall to the floor, the phone falling from my hand and clattering to the floor. Barely, as if in the distance, I can hear my mother through the phone, alarmed. I collapse into a ball on the floor, and I start screaming. I scream and scream and scream, gripping and clawing at the ground, more than wishing or hoping, more willing the ground to swallow me up and plunge me into unconscious darkness. I scream like i've never heard anyone scream. A scream that surpasses the anguish of physical pain. I scream and claw at the ground until I am no longer physically able to produce sound, just choked wheezes. I collapse, sobbing on the ground, and that is when the scene ends. And replays.

I sort of wish these things would just be normal nightmares. At least that way I could wake up and be relieved. I try to jerk myself out of these awake-mares that I have, but all I can do is lash out into the darkness, fling open my eyelids, and the scenes are still playing just behind my eyes, my ears. My throat is contracted in a scream and I just can't stop it. There isn't any waking up. i try to rationalize to myself that it's just something that my brain is doing. I try to make myself feel better, something, by telling myself what I logically know, that ray ray is well and fine and probably at home sleeping in his bed. But for some reason it dones't work. What I see in my head and what I know logically refuses to link. It makes no sense, not even to me as I sit here in the light and write about it. But that is the way it is in the dark, alone, frightened, and helpless to stop the scenes replaying and replaying in my head.