Entry 000037; 10.28.01

I hate them. I hate them all for everything. but most of all, I hate me for letting them treat me like this.

I'll start from here and work backwards, because right now all i can think of is this hate that keeps screaming in my brains.

I want them all to die. To suffer. I want them all, Orgasmic, Ook, Bill, everyone who ever made me feel like a worthless piece of shit to just fall off the planet.

I almost killed myself. I would have, except that everytime I was right heading for it, I remembered Orgasmic was in the car. And there is a part of me that still loves him as a friend, of course there is or else I woudln't be so sad by the way he treats me. Also I kept thinking of little things like using my blinker and getting a speeding ticket. I know that if i'm stupid enough to worry about trivial things like that, then i'm not ready for suicide. Not yet.

Trying to flip a car is a hell of a lot harder than it looks and sounds. I went 60,70, whatever around unbanked ramps and all I got was a little squeal from the tires.

I picked up Orgasmic from the logan airport at 10. I finally saw him on my 30th trip around the airport. They won't let you park anymore. Everytime i tried to stop at the sidewalk to look for him, or to ask someone whether the flight was on time, a police officer shooed me off. Around the 15th turn around the airport, I started to cry. I know it sounds pansish and weak, but something like that is bound to break you sooner or later, especially if you are tired and you really don't feel like being there in the first place. Around the 17th cycle I started to scream. Loud, piercing creatures that made my vision blur and forced me fowards in my seat. And the officer waved me on.

Every single time i went around, and was waved away by the officer, sobbing and crying and screaming, I vowed to myself I would just leave. I'd drive home and not be bothered. Orgasmic would find his own way home. He's rich, he can afford a taxi. But everytime I had the choice of driving away and turning around, I turned around. I thought about how I would feel if I was left in the cold in front of an airport. I thought of how it feels to be left by someone I trust. I was weak. I couldn't do it. So I turned back. I thought of what Orgasmic would do. He'd drive away. But I'm not Orgasmic.

'Who does he think he is?' I thought to myself, over and over and over. Why does he think that he can just call and leave a message and expect me to drop my life and pick him up? Worse, why do I do it? Thank god I tried, earlier today, to leave him to pick up his own mess and hang out with icon. Otherwise I would have been sitting in logan airport from 3 to 10 today, waiting for his stupid flight to come in. What gives him the right to treat me like his servant? He doesn't even give me gas or toll money. I've spent so much money in gas and tolls alone taxiing him around.

I just kept thinking of what would be worse. Being the kind of person who just refuses to forgive someone and leaves them to clean up thier own messes, or the kind of person who is a good friend no matter what, no matter how a person treats me. The thing is. He gave me less than 12 hours notice and expected me to just DO what he told me to do.

He won't even talk to me when I go near him. He refuses to speak unless he needs something, or it's about school.

I feel like shit. I feel worthless. I'm treated like shit because I let people treat me like shit.

And GODFUCK how i HATE complaining. I'll stop.