Entry 000038; 10.29.01

Normal Nightmares last 1-15 minutes. Normal nightmares go away when you open your eyes.

Mine are not normal nightmares.

I was at the beach again last night. digging and clawing wet clumps of sand. I could feel the grittiness of the sand, digging into the sensetive white flesh between my fingers. I could feel the sand embedding itself under my nails. I could see my hands and arms in front of me, digging like mad, in a frenzy of splashes and sand. Everything was blurry behind a curtain of tears.

When I opened my eyes here in reality, and put my hands in front of my face, I could see hands superimposed on hands. the hands I looked at in the real world were bigger, lighter, even in the low light that seeped into my room at night.

sometimes, I wonder if i'm going mad. Sometimes I wonder if I already am.

the nightmares wasn't exactly in real time. This means of course that the basic rotational cycle was rendered null. but it was repetitious. viciously so. 2 second to half minute scenes would flash in my head, digging in the sand, uncovering marcus's cold sand-encrusted face. Dead eyes flinging open and the corpse-marcus mouthing the words "it should have been you." all of this. over and over and over and over and over again. All I could do in the dream was dig and cry and shout that i was sorry, that i know, i know, i know it should have been me. Over and over I told him I was sorry, Over and over i told him i wished it was me. And then more flashes of digging, of finding his dead face encrusted with sand.

I just can't trust sleep anymore. Getting there is too stressful. Better to walk in front of traffic.