Entry 000044; 11.07.01
Fake Entry
Moog. today was study study study, meeting meeting meeting. You know how it is. I won't even go into details they are so mundane and boring. And my mind is always wandering, pondering, blah blah blah. I keep thinking.
I've been thinking of ways to go against the grain. Fight what i see as my boring mundane future. I want to do things I would never do. I want to act ways I would never act. One thing I was thinking about is maybe to just go with my instinct. Normally I get my instincts and I don't act on them. you know. Just In Case I'm wrong. But the thing is that i've never really been wrong. so maybe i should just throw caution to the wind and ...hm. float.
Real Entry
Today I went for a walk to sort out my game plan, my...hunt. (OK no really I went to my meeting like an hour and a half early because I was so jazzed up about being in my element again, but it provided me a nice quiet time to sort things out.) I kept getting this...evil smirk on my face that I couldn’t wipe off. That I didn’t want to wipe off.
Occasionally people would look at me and I’d wear the sweet honey smile that I reserve purely for perfect strangers I pass on the street, but right after they look away it would twist into that deliciously twisted creature, that smile of pure evil.
I’m in my element.
To provide some background;
He sighs.
I think, what the hell?
“you are so amazing.” He says to me. He gazes deeply into my eyes, enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t look him in the eyes anymore. He sighs.
“Yeah I get that a lot. It happens. I’m amazing.” I look at the wall. The ceiling. I ignore the fact that he keeps moving closer to me. Is he serious? I wonder to myself. Does he actually think all of this bullshit he says, is he just….sadly pathetic?.
He sighs again. Moves closer. “There’s something about you….what is it about you? You make me feel so calm. You’re not like other girls.”
His sighs are the deep, thoughtful kind, as if there are millions of Very Important Thoughts running through his mind and he just can’t handle all of them.
“Quit doing that.” I tell him. “It makes me nervous. You sigh to goddamn much.” Give me points for being honest. This is the last thing I will be honest with him about. I’ve decided he’s not serious. He is pathetic though. Do girls fall for this often? They must. Girls are morons. Anger flares briefly through my belly. Where the fuck did he get the idea that I am one of those stupid girls?.
He picked the Wrong. Fucking. Girl. I want to go for blood. I’ve had enough of these WPI boys with their false friendship and raging libidos. Treat me with some fucking respect for once. Stop treating me like I’m some stupid girl who will fall for anyone who calls her special. Fooled me once, oh shit I’m a moron. Fooled me twice, how embarrassing for me. Fool me three times, I will fucking rip you up.
He sighs. Looks at me. Brushes my hair from my eyes. I gag inwardly. “I need some sleep.” I plead. He asks if he can crash here. “Go home.” I plead.
“Give me a hug.” He says. I comply.
“Go home.” I plead again. He dallies.
“Oh fuck where is the lens to my glasses?” He starts searching.
I bury my face in my hands and sit. Looking for it would be useless. It’s in his pocket. I know this. He knows this. His attempt at fooling me is insulting. Tomorrow, I will spend an hour searching my room. In boxes, pockets, under the mattress, in the pillowcases. All while knowing the damn thing is in his pocket. But I do it anyway. Because that’s the way things are. I know something, and I pretend I don’t, I act as if I have free will and no foresight. I have to do that. Otherwise, I’ll go crazy.
The Game Plan:
I’ve called Alicia and my mother. With these collective geniusii as my inspiration, I shall wreak havoc on this lying little boy. I’m not a mean person. However, I do have the right to fight back when someone insults my intelligence, don’t you think?
Every “there’s just something special about you.” Every “you’re not like the other girls.” Every “I love your spirit.” I will strip his dignity from him like a banana peel. I will do to him exactly what he would have done to me, take advantage of him and then leave him standing there vulnerable for the rest of the world to tear apart.
I do realize that I’m taking out all my anger from all these evil WPI boys out on this kid. My mom even pointed that out. Though, my mother also pointed out that forgiving them and turning the other cheek didn’t get me anywhere. Sometimes you just need to take it out on someone. I can’t take this bullshit any longer. It’s time someone just turned it around on them.
Earlier this week, I thought there was something wrong with me. Red lights and flashy things kept going off in my head. Warning signals that seemed to come from nowhere. Here is this perfectly good boy. Everyone says he’s cute. He’s smart. He’s creative, he’s good at martial arts. He’s sensitive and he seems to be smitten by my good looks and charm. And I wondered….Why don’t I like this kid? Why do I feel so uncomfortable around him? Why don’t I trust him? Is there something wrong with me?
Then it occurred to me. Wait a second, I realized, I don’t have good looks or charm. This kid is full of bullshit. All these red lights and alarms have been buzzing in my head, and it took me what seems like forever to figure out why they were going on and on. Well, not really forever. About three or four days. I had just taken a while to read the huge sign in my head with the lit cartoon arrows pointing to it. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT it flashes.
4/7