Entry 000046; 11.09.01

Fake Entry

Today I met anton for lunch today, but he was being a bitch and my friend Melissa was there so I hung out with her instead. We got to talking about Guy and I realized that he's just what I need right now. A good old fashioned stress reliever. I called him up when I got home and hung out with him tonight.

I won't go into details about the rest of the night. You know how Guy is.

Real entry

It’s ironic that I have to spent three to four hours of my day watching Frankenstein.

The first time I read the book, I was furious. That poor creature. That stupid, weak, uncompassionate Frankenstein. How could they blame the creature for being human, of all things. They treated him like shit one too many times. So he lashed out and killed the innocent to hurt the man responsible. The play they make me watch in drama shows Mary Shelly sympathizing with Frankenstein. In the book, however, I think she feels much more for the creature than his thoughtless creator.

Lashing out at innocents. Is that what I’m doing.?

I’ve never been devious like this before. I usually never even lie, unless it’s to not hurt someone’s feelings, or to be polite.

Odd, what I’ve turned into.

In anton’s journal, he complains that he doesn’t want to play hard to get to get what he wants. Of course, I only told him to do that because I was trying to say “cut the fucking lines out.” This, however, is now a moot point. He’s going nuts because he’s waited a week and still hasn’t gotten any sex. I don’t even need to do anything to have this boy ripped to shreds. But I’m gonna anyway.

Funny how he never really stops to think of what I might want. Someone to be sincere, truthful. Straightfoward. If you think I’m a slut, I’d much prefer you tell me to my face and ask if you can get some action. My answer, of course, would be no. But it’s so much more offensive to be assumed a slut and then barraged with lines and lies.

Last night I think Nathan got mad because I pointed out that he uses me as a placeholder. He’s not a bad person. That’s just what I am. I’m everyone’s second choice, I’m everyone’s temporary place holder. Except for Drooly. I miss my Drooly.

The thing is that with Nathan it’s ok. Because I’m using him back. He uses me until he can find someone better to sleep with, and I use him until I can find a person who doesn’t use me as a place holder.

Maybe that’s why all these boys think I’m a slut. Perhaps I give off “nice girl to do, but I wouldn’t want to marry her” vibes.

Last night I fell asleep with my heart aching, thinking, “I’m never going to let anyone treat me like this again. After I’m done with Anton, no one will ever fuck with me. No one.” This mantra chanting over and over in my head wasn’t what caused the pain really. It was more the realization that to keep from being a second-choice girl, I have to keep myself from being anyone’s choice, period.

6/9