Entry 000047; 11.09.01

No more fake entries from now on. It’s done.

The ultimate question is, of course, “Do I feel better?” Does lashing back out at others make me feel any better? I know I’m supposed to learn that it doesn’t. I know I’m supposed to realize that what I’ve been doing all along, forgiving and turning the other cheek, understanding the bastards’ motivation, is the right thing to do.

But no. Hurting him felt good.

The problem is as such. I don’t feel good now. Because I’m weak. I realized I can’t let him suffer, no matter how much he would do the same to me. I’ve left him feeling vaguely amused. He’ll keep doing it, no doubt. I’ve taught him nothing. I’ve left him with a vague sense of an interrupted conquest. Nothing more.

I wish I could let him suffer but I couldn’t. I wish I was ruthless. “You think you are evil, and you wish you were evil, but you’re not.” My mother said. I should have known. Mom’s always right.

There was an attraction there. I think, towards Anton. But it felt like the same kind of attraction I felt for Ook. Irrational and purely based on instinct and brain chemicals. The kind I just don’t trust.

On the good side, I’ve vented some of my anger. Hopefully, I will be able to look upon the world in a less bitter manner. Even if Anton really did care for me, he fucked up all those other girls, and it’s nice to think that one day someone will fuck over those boys who have shit all over me.

Also, I suppose on the good side, since Anton really doesn’t care anymore, he’s less likely to want to hurt me. I was very afraid of that, more afraid than you think. I could see him beating the shit out of me out of anger for trying to step out of my place. He reminds me of Ook a lot, because he likes to show off how tough he is. So long as he doesn’t care, he won’t hurt me. I hope.

All my previous entries for this week (the fake ones) have been amended and not contain the real entries from the day. That is for those people who seem adamant about reading my journal. Crazies. Also, of course, it’s mainly for me. I need to record.

In reference to what I was saying before, about going back to Drooly, I know I can’t, because the only reason I would go back (aside from the fact that I love him) is that he’s the only one who doesn’t treat me so horribly. But in choosing him, going back to him, I’d be treating him as a second choice. And I know he deserves much more than that.