Entry 000048; 11.09.01

Written 11.08.01 in hardcopy before meeting anton for lunch

"May I ask you a personal question?"

"go go go go" I say.

"Who put the stick up your ass?"

I ponder this. He's referring to the fact that i'm being a prude. I'm not falling all over him and responding to his lines. Instead of telling him I'm simply not a slut and he simply is revolting, I answer a different question.

"Orgasmic and Bill." I answer this knowing this isn't a full answer. I've had a stick up my ass about people like Anton since long before Orgasmic.

Later, while standing still on my way from one place to the next, drained of energy and wishing I was somewhere else, I'll take the time to think up the rest of the answer I gave. To a question he didn't ask. to a question I asked myself. since when have I had this chip on my shoulder?.

Since Ook.

I don't mean to call myself a victim; I'm not. For the most part, I knew what all of them were doing as they were doing it. I just let things happen because, well because what if I was wrong? what if nothing bad happened and I ruined a perfectly good friendship simply because I was suspicious?

I'm not all that mad at them for doing what they did. (though I am mad at them.) i'm mad because I saw it all coming, and I let it happen. I was too afraid to walk away because I was too afraid I was wrong.

7/10...sigh.