Entry 000049; 11.10.01

It's so hard not to get paranoid lately. Which way is up, by the way?

I wish Nathan wasn't being so friendly. It bothers me. It makes me wonder. It makes me nervous.

Today I asked Drooly to come over tommorro. He said no. This is good, because I really have no willpower to keep myself away from him, and we really need to stop seeing each other. It's good he's strong enough to say no. It's good it's good it's good. Because he would be over here for the wrong reasons. All wrong.

All wrong.

I fell asleep last night trying to think of ways to go against the grain. No wake-mares for about a week, and for the most part I know that I'm having nightmares, but I can't remember most of them after the day is over. This is good. This is good?

As I said, i fell asleep trying to think of ways to go across the grain. Against. Thinking maybe if I see things going one way I can jump in the opposite direction. But can whatever controls the grain see inside my head? Can it see me glancing out of the corners of my eyes?

Confused. Sitting here in a daze. Which way to go? What'll it be then, eh?

I need to get out of here. I need to just take some turn even I didn't see coming, because I'm pretty sure that's the only way to go about things...That's the only way to catch the collective unconscious ...unconscious.

Something irreversable. Something uncareful. Something that will break everything up and disintegrate everything into shambles. At least for the time being. I want to throw the grain off. I know I can't win ultimately, but I want to keep it guessing. I want to be in control.

7/10