Entry 000052; 11.18.01

Wonderful things. Wonderful things are going on. So much so that I haven't even had time to write anything. This is always the way, and always a shame. The best parts of my life go unrecorded while the worst parts go drearily on and on and on in text.

So these wonderful things! They need to be recorded! Most Importantly So! Where shall I start? Oh where oh were?

I'll start with the trivial and work up, in a sort of upside-down upside-down pyramid. Oh yes.

When I was little(r), I used to get crushes. I mean like heavy, day-dream-all-day crushes. I would never talk to them. It was just enough to look from afar and sit and sigh. How nice. It was something to think of. Something to hope for even though I knew it never was nor ever could be reality.

I miss that. I miss the butterfly feeling. I miss the time when someone just looking at me would make my day and then some.

My favorite, I think, was Andrew. There is one main, and all conclusive reason for this. I took a chance and tried to make something happen. I failed, of course, miserably. I was a hideous child. But the important part was that I knew that if I didn't at least try, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I did try. And what do you know, I did get to go out with him for a little while. Those...two I think...weeks were wonderful. I was so amazed at the fact that the skies were actually bluer and the air just tasted better.

And ok well it was just a hoax. And Andrew never liked me. He was only being nice. Yeah I was a little embarrassed when I found out. But not...nearly as much as I thought I would be. Because no matter, what nothing could remove my two weeks of incredible bliss. Because I had such a good experience with my first rejection, I've never passed up a chance with any person I've ever liked since. Mostly...no all, just cause Andrew was such a wonderfully nice guy.

So anyway, barring that aside, I have a crush on a boy. It's the first real crush I've had since Andrew, since of course, I never develop any long 'love-from-afar' deals since I always take chances.

So I like this. It makes me feel like a little kid again. I just developed this crush on this kid I've never talked to. It's his smile. He has this pretty face with a big nose and a gorgeous smile. I love big noses and gorgeous smiles. He just smiled at me one day and I was like "Oh....wow." I wonder how many girls do that when he smiles at them. Probably a lot.

So it's nice to just sit in class and be concious of the fact that there is a Very Interesting Boy somewhere near by. The wonderful part about it is that something like him smiling at me, or sitting closeby can make my sooo happy and giddy. I get this goofy smile on my face and....well I'm sure you know the look. We've all had it.

I think the ultimate experience I ever had with that amazing floaty feeling was the first time Drooly kissed me. I was floating for days. I couldn't, nor did I want to wipe the stupid grin off my face. It was heaven.

So this boy. He smiles at me sometimes. ...oh....wow. BUT THEN!

I TALKED to him!!! Yes, that's right, your humble narrator actually managed to utter words without tripping ridiculously over herself. And of course, I am nervous, so I talk waaayy to much. "Stop talking...ask him about himself...people like that" I keep telling myself, but then I go, blathering on and on and on. It doesn't matter though. That's the thing. Even if he doesn't like me, this is a crush, not a conquest. I don't expect anything. therefore, when I actually get something....oh...wow.

So...I talked to him again today during strike. So happy. He knows my name now. I hope he remembers it. I invited him to go see the meteor shower with me, but he declined. This is allright. I expect him to say no...hell, I expect him to hate me. But if he's ok with me...that's good. And if he LIKES me...oh god that's wonderful. And if he accepts to do stuff with me....oh...wow.

When I left, I was so happy twirling and singing and all that, I completely forgot my car. I walked all the way across the bridge and to the top of the hill before I realized I had a car in the parking lot to drive home with.

Yeah. That kind of floating.

In other news....

I'm doing well in school. Yay. Enough about that.

I'm learning to type with mittens. This will be useful.

I'm almost done making my new personality. It's about time too. My nail polish is almost running out. (I'm gauging the time by my nail polish because I find it ridiculously superficial and therefore amusing. hehe also, I saw a funny horoscope. Normally, I don't believe in them, but I thought this one hit fairly close to home.

Libra: Make a huge decision on the 18th-- and Don't Look Back! Define who you want to be and be it, otherwise people around you will second-guess your methods and question your sincerity. Spend a little time focusing on longterm career goals on the 21st. If you find yourself in the middle of an argument with a co-worker or friend, take some time away. Don't spend too much energy replaying or repairing broken appliances or relationships. Listen

hehe you see. So perfect. How did the stars know I was going to pick a new personality soon? How wonderful. Also I guess the 21st is a decent time to sit down and really figure out what I'm doing. With school, that is. I'm growing fond of winging everything else. Do I really want to stay here? What do I want to go to school for? Things like that.

So the personality thing. I've got the core broken down into three components. The thing is that one of them doens't mesh at all with the others, but also if I look at it with only two of them, it doens't seem balanced enough. I'm sure it'll come to me soon. This new personality...I don't think it's exactly the ultimate goal thing...but it's so close.

So I read through all my journal entries (on this page) yesterday in hopes of putting off some homework. First off, I'd like to mention that I am extremely glad that my journal entries never got as gloomy as I did. (I worked very hard at avoiding that). Secondly, I noticed right about after halloween, I got happy.

As I mentioned before, everything seems just like this ironic sinusoid. I wrote before about how I was afraid of hitting the bottom of the curve, though I knew it was necessary to get back on a positive slope. When I was friends with Bill for a couple of days, I thought all my sad times were over and I was on my way up. I did realize that I hadn't hit a definative bottom before that, but I figured maybe the cosmic order of things was just being merciful. Of course, them Bill turned out to be shit, and there I was, heading down down down into the abyss.

So I did hit the bottom. Right on the last day of Fall break. I was well due for it, I think. Then, wihtout even really noticing or paying attention, things got wonderful.

Well, not things so much as life. But yes, things as well. Halloween was when I started to notice a little of it. I thought it was temporary. I thought it was inspired by the fact that I was with friends (alicia and houxby) that day. Some of it was.

I started making friends. Like, immediately. On my way home, I met a man on the train and we just became...good friends. He made me so happy. I wrote something about it that day, I'll probably put it up in non-fiction when I get around to it. I miss him.

Right after that, on the train, another person stopped and talked to me. Here I was making friends, left and right, and completely unaware as to how I was doing it. I tried smelling my clothes to see if I was giving off friendly-fumes but all I smelled was alcia (I was borrowing her clothes). I'm gonna try out experiments with the shirt and the pants, and then maybe like, bottle Alicia's smell and use it to become popular.

The day after halloween, I made friends wtih Anton. Of course, that wasn't really making friends so much as him seeing a fresh mountain for conquest, but the idea is the same. Suddenly I'm attracting people (even if some of them are jerks).

Wonderful.

Even the bad things aren't bothering me. Somethign..I can't even remember what happened with grades or school or something...and it's so unimportant to me I've completely forgotten about it. Nathan hasn't been hanging out with me so much lately, and though normally I would get worried about my only friend here ditching me, I'm...not really worried at all.

I talked to drooly yesterday, about getting back together. I miss him. I miss having a decent person around who won't hurt me. And I don't expect any boys to be actually "interested" in me ever again. I dunno it's partly people who keep calling me ugly and stupid etc etc etc, but part of me is beginning to believe it. Or at least believe that other people believe it. Either way. And I don't expect that "crush" to go anywhere. I never expect crushes to go anywhere. They never do. This is not a bad thing. So don't worry. So I was talking to drooly and he said he wouldn't visit. this is probably just as well, since I know we'd end up in the same predicament as we always are in. But still, I miss. Yet I know if I got back together with him, it'd be for the wrong reasons. Most over anything else, I don't want to hurt him, or treat him with disrespect.

It's a little lonley...no, a lot lonely. I haven't actually been..without boys since before Ook. It's a wierd feeling. It's uncomfortable in it's difference. it's like trying to wear in shoes or something. It just feels awkward. There is nothing to lean against.

So normally, while this would send me sobbing into oblivion for a week or so, it's more of a ...'hmm..odd' sort of feeling. An uncomfortable feeling, but a feeling of progress nonetheless.

And with this, I shall leave you, -
He TALKED to me!!! HE TALKED TO ME!!!!!

12/19