Entry 000053; 11.18.01

Ow. My heart.

I blocked Drooly today because I couldn't stand any longer to listen to the painful things he had to say. He accused me of toying with him. This is because I was telling him I missed him, and I have been thinking a lot lately of getting back together with him.

I'm toying with him, and when I tried to break up with him earlier this year and he made sad sounds and puppy dog looks at me until I went back out with him, what was he doing? All this time, I've just been trying and trying and trying to set my ultimate goal at making drooly happy, making sure he's ok, making sure I don't hurt him. I should have taken into account that he never really loved me as much as I loved him in the first place. I've sacrificed a lot for him. I'm not saying i'm a victim, or that he ever asked me too. But I did. I've lost good friends for him. I sacrificed the possibility of having a social life in school my first year here, for him. So when I finally get tired of thinking about what is best for him, what is healthiest and most productive for his life, and think about myself and just the fact that I miss him and want him back, I'm toying with him. How dare I think about myself for a change.

It almost makes me regret all the things I've given up for his happiness. I think Orgasmic might have been right when he said the only person he knew of who was more selfish than I am is Drooly. Except for me being selfish. I'm not selfish. Gimmie that.

Not to worry though. I'm sure i'm still in my happy mood. This is but a temporary aside. This is just a realization of facts that should have been evident to me previous to this. This must be all my fault.

12/20