Entry 000054; 11.18.01

There is no integrity here.

All this time I've been just a little bit dissapointed in all the people who hang out with Bill and Orgasmic, knowing that they are slime and yet spending time with them as if they are decent people. How can you do that? How can you know a person will do horrible things and hurt other people, and still have the stomach to see them?

And now Nathan. He's just as bad as all of them. He's been leading this poor girl on because he says, "really, it's just better play. 'cause you're just a heat producing squishy thing to sleep with. she reacts. :P." This is disgusting. How can he just do that to her? How can he just lead her to believe he's a decent person and use her? More importantly, how can I look into his eyes without being disgusted with myself for being friends with him? How can I continue being friends with him? Can I? My other roomates laugh about it and find it amusing. And what can I do but pretend to laugh and pretend I'm not absolutely horrified?

He complains now that he's depressed. Over what? Doing horrible things and then realizing it? Doing horrible things while realizing it? And I wonder if he feels quite as sad as I do that the last person I had hope in for having some decency has proved himself dirt.

12/20