Entry 000062; 12.02.01

Am I doing this right? Sometimes I worry that I'm going about all this entirely wrong. It's like that sinking feeling in your stomach when you start to suspect that you may have made a mistake in an earlier calculation and rendered five pages worth of mathematical equations completely wrong. But you are too afraid to check it or look, because you fear you may suspect the truth.

Nathan always says he doesn't care blah blah, insults don't hurt, blah blah, you don't mean anything blah blah but Ioften worry if I'm hurting him.

And while yes it is true that he is indeed slime, and he does indeed use women without respect to their feelings, and he is on some level using me for friendship, for a warm body to sleep next to, I am still his friend. But I feel so heartless to tell him that. Yet I know a true friend will tell you the truth. Goodness knows he's been unmerciful in that respect towards me. And I would be a horrible friend to just let his behavior and his method of treating people go uncommented upon.

Mostly though, I wonder if he's rubbing off on me. is it possible I am becoming a person who will just use another without caring about them? I mean for whatever he uses me for, I'm using him right back. At least we are honest about it but really can you say that everything is allright so long as there is honesty? There is more to integrity and honor than just honesty. And whether or not I am using back, I'm still letting myself be used.

How dishonest I feel, holding someone whom I know I mean nothing to, and holding them for all the wrong reasons. It's unnatural and I worry that it's leaving a seeping of bad karma on me. Will this affect how my life goes with people whom I have a sincere and caring relationship with in the future?

When I was little, I thought the entire cosmic order of things demanded justice. I thought for every good or bad thing that someone would do to me, they would have something equally as bad or good happen to them. And for every thing that I did, something would happen to me. Yet a deeper, more detailed limb of this was that every good thing that happened to me would be eventually followed with an equally bad thing. Imagine the worry a small child feels when they think they have to pay with suffering for all the good things in life. I was consolated alone by the fact that most of the things that were happening would be fuel enough for a lifetime of good things. So far, it has seemed to work out. However illogical I realize this is there is still that little ingrained belief in me. When good things happen, i always think "oh jesus I hope I've already paid for this." Though it is good in times of grief, for I like to figure, "well ok but the cosmic order of things will make it up to me later."

So I wonder now about this entire...we shall call it karma for now even though I really don't like the conotations that word uses, however it fits best that I can think. If I am prolonging an almost purely physical relationship with Drooly, and if I am encouraging the thoughtless and heartless ways of Nathan, am I setting myself up to be in a long line of uncaring relationships? Not only this, and more importantly, am I hurting them?

Though I always reason, with the scared part inside of me that just wants to sit back and not take any action that requires effort, that requires strength, that requires courage, I think ...well if I love them, and they are happy, then what could be wrong with that?

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