Entry 000069; 12.08.01

Ashia you fool.

Yeah that's the best boy you've ever had, the best boy you'll ever have, the best boy who would ever have you. And you let him get away.

For what? He doens't treat you perfectly? Doesn't read your mind? So what? If he doesn't treat you that well, imagine how the rest of them will treat you. Look at the way the rest of them treat you.

From now on, you'll be nothing but used. Meat. Object. Second, third, fourth choice. A concubine to better fantasies.

So he didn't treat you with as much care as you treated him. What of that? Do you think any of them would? Do you think anyone would be capable?

"For his happiness." You say. Why? His happiness is more important than yours why? Because of love?

Fool.

Who cares if he's happy or not? Why can't you be happy and have him, and have him only semi-happy? What is so goddamn wrong about selfishness? Besides, what is the difference between him picking you as a second choice and someone else picking you as a second choice? Because you love him, because you want him to be happy?

Fool.

You think he deserves better than you. But better how? What characteristics make someone better, more worthy than you? Beauty? There is nothing in beauty. Leave the beautiful to be the ones who are meat, not you. Intelligence? What for? More sacrificing, more hoping he could have better? How could that be possible. You want him to have better, but you haven't thought about whether better exists. You want him to have someone worthy, but you haven't pointed out why you are so very unworthy. Maybe he does deserve better than you, if only because you are a moron.

Maybe better is someone who never lets him know when she is upset. Maybe better is meat itself. It all goes full circle I suppose? You let him go to find someone more worthy of him, and he finds a piece of meat. You let yourself into the wild to be torn apart by slime. Maybe the slime were people too, once. Maybe they were boys too worthy to be loved by real girls. Maybe all the real girls turn into meat, self-defacing objects. Mutes incapable of emotion. Maybe that's what they all want.

And HA! How funny. This is what you deserve. Every day checking the phone to see if he's come back. Every hour checking your mail to see if he's come back. Every minute checking your messages, to see if he's come back. He won't come back. You're a fool. A moron. You aren't worth him and he knows it. That's why he let you let him go.

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