Entry 000072; 12.11.01

I saw this coming, so I have no right to get upset.

Insomnia again. It always happens. It's something you learn to live with. There are little things you can do, tricks you can pull on yourself to pretend you got some sleep during the night, even if you really didn't.

I'm not going to dwell on this. Aside from the fact that i have no right to be upset, I also know I can't possibly think of this and what it means. Because if I think about it, I won't be able to live wiht it. What does it mean, anyway? There's something wrong with me. Or there is something wrong with the world. I'm not beautiful I'm not extremely intelligent, I'm not outrageously witty, but even people who lack all those qualities have friends. So there must be some deep-seated, horrible thing wrong with me. I really, really don't want to know what it is. Please don't tell me if you know, unless it's something I can change.

On the good side, there is no one left to leave me, so there can't be any more hurt. Nothing that isn't already here.

As I said, I'm not going to dwell on this. I'm just going to register my upset with the complaint department (my journal), hold it inside, and try not to think about it.

Another friend left.

Well I mean hey sure, yeah I knew it was going to happen. I'm not that dumb. What I was to Nathan was just a heating blanket at night. Hell I didn't even like sleeping with him, it made me feel like a piece of meat being used for my mammal properties of creating warmth. But I was afraid to say no because I was afraid he would stop hanging out with me. The problem, is that I don't put out, so I make quite the shitty placeholder.

And that's what I am, with all of them. I'm not a friend. I'm a placeholder. I'm a girl. I'm not even a good enough girl as a friend. I'm a second-choice, placeholder, girl.

So Nathan found another girl. Perhaps she creates more warmth, she puts out, or she has whatever it is that I lack or lacks whatever it is that I have that makes my friends go running off into the wild. He didn't even warn me first.

So Nathan's gone. And that leaves....no one. As I said, the good part is that no one else is left to leave.

I am the ashia's complete and utter lack of emotion. I am ashia's overexaggerated sense of apathy. You just watch. This is a part I'm well suited to play. I am the ashia's pretending to be fine. Then one day I will fool even myself, and I will be fine.

Did I ever say Nathan was important to me? Because he's not. Did I ever say he's a good friend and he's saved me from myself a couple of times? Well he isn't and he hasn't. The wonderful part about memory is that with practice, it can be overritten. And the wonderful part about that is that you can fool yourself into believing whatever the hell you want, you can create a happy childhood, you can create a sense of purpose, hell, you can even pretend you never gave a damn about all those stupid friends who....oh hell! I never liked any of them anyway! They were...well...give me time. I'll make something up.

After this, no mentioning. I'll try anyway. But I don't have to try that hard, do I? Because I don't care. Ha! I don't care at all. I never HAD any friends. Real friends don't leave, they don't cast you off, right? So I never had any real friends. No....better...I never wanted any friends. The only reason I don't have any now is because I purposefully chased them off.

I am an independant, solitary, son-of-a-bitch. I don't need anyone. Not anyone.

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