Entry 000074; 12.14.01

II want out.

I feel like causing violence. I want to drive a metal boot through several layers of brittle walls. I feel like hurting something harmless. I feel like using someone in some horrible, brain-painy way and then laughing at them. I feel like yelling at girl scouts and ripping up lots and lots of important artwork that delicately...yet perfectly...catches the essense of humanity.

I feel destructive.

Strangely, I don't feel angry. This isn't even me denying the existence of painful emotions. This seriously is just me being a mindless machine. Perhaps denial is working?

I want out of WPI. I want the hell away from the simpering girls and the trash-slime boys. I want to kill the innocent to get them out of my way, and I want to drive a blade into the throats of the guilty, just for existing.

I feel like causing a riot.

Right now, all I can do is sing angry songs loudly. And occasionally, study for my CS final.

Fuck.

later...

Oog. I ended up getting rid of [most of] my agression by making a frozen pizza and going to the SOMA room. I found another fatal flaw in this personality- she sucks at martial arts. Sloppy stance, clumsy movements, and lack of power...eesh. It's painful to watch.

Ok so I have two options now. I can go out and try to make more friends (which I've been trying to do all year), or I can stay in and become a hermit and just forget about the entire friend thing and tell them all to blow off. So tempting, the second choice. Cause really, I feel like a huge major failure at friendship right now. I was thinking today "hey remember when you were friends with.....yeah whatever happened....Oh I chased him off by....being myself."

I keep having conversations with myself in my head. This wouldn't bother me so much if one of the voices didn't sound so contemptuously condescending.