Entry 000082; 12.22.01

What?

Wait. What?

Ok so I took this class, right? And I skipped a quizz. Then I didn't study for the final. Then I didn't even BOTHER doing anything to the homework, and passed it out without even the ability to COMPILE.,/p>

My grade on the homework? 83. My final grade? Did I even pass? 96.

Jesus.

Ok so I think this entry is going to be fairly long, since I have to address a shitload of topics which I've been to busy [doing nothing?] to write about.

First, let's address this robot thing.

I'm pretty sure I can't feel pain. Mental or physically. Some personalities have been better with it than others, but overall, just the fact that I can adjust something like that brings about some questions. I mean I can simply not think about it. Even screaming, clutching my stomach and yelling for someone to kill me during cramps, a part of me doesn't feel it. I've adressed the entire issue about not feeling emotional pain at all in my "monster" essay written back when I was 15. So far as I can tell, the only true emotions I can feel and cannot shut off are guilt and lust. I lose control sometimes, sure, but the thing is, I choose to lose control. I read it's healthy to not hold yourself in too much, or some blather such as that.

The thing is, this isn't a personality thing. Or more importantly, it is. Because I adjust my ability to feel pain according to how I tailor each personality. Which means I am fully capable of shutting all this shit off. The thing is that you'd think that is all fine and good, you can shut off pain and therefore never feel pain right? Hm. Maybe. But when I shut off the bad stuff, I shut off the good stuff, and some of that good stuff can be damn good. So most of the time, I keep it turned up to half volume. The only other problem I have is that my body is sending messages to my brain, saying, "you are supposed to be in pain." Therefore I'll double over, scream, etc. But on most levels, I'm not even feeling it.

Therefore, I think I'm a robot. the only way I can test this out is to have something horribly mentally scarring, or cut off a finger. The thing is, I'm scared to. Cause what if I'm not a robot, and horrible things happen and I lose digits (physical, not bits)? Also, what if I am a robot?