Entry 000092; 01.25.01

I really wish that Orgasmic would just dissapear. Leave. Run away. Transfer. Anything. I wish he wasn't around, reminding me of stuff that I should have forgotten by now.

I really liked forgetting that he lived here. When he wasn't around, it was easy to forget about him, and all those ugly feelings that I associate with him. Unfortunately, now he's here all the time. Like a pest. Except worse, because the best I can do is make him uncomfortable so when the time comes to leave, he zooms. I can't set traps, or hire an exterminator. Oh. If only I could.

It's still an effort. I hate him, that much is at least partially true, but that's only because I still love him. I wish I could be indifferent towards him, but I'm not. Everytime I see him, it's easy to fool myself into thinking he's someone else. Sometimes though, I see who he was, and it just makes me want to shriek and run away.

It's still an effort not to touch him. It's still an effort not to put my arm around his waist when I reach past him, and an effort not to touch his side when I walk by, and not to tell him I love him.

I have to catch myself occasionally. I'll walk up to him in the kitchen and go to touch his back, say something to him, and then I remember "Oh. No. Not allowed anymore. Not wanted. Not welcome. He isn't the same person as your Orgasmic. And you aren't the same person as his Ashia anyway."

It's not that I want him. If that was all, I think that would be easy enough to take care of. If he suddenly got brain worms and said "Ashia I love you again, come back." I'd probably laugh. I find him very unappealing. Not only because he's not that great of a lover...but he's also just kind of a shithead and a bad friend.

The thing is.

When I love someone, I can't just stop. Ever. If I could, then I don't think I could be able to call that "love." The thing is that I will always love Orgasmic, as a friend. And knowing that he's right there, indifferent towards me, no-longer-loving me, that sort of kind of KILLS. Knowing that he can love me one day, and then forget about me the next...that introduces me to a whole new aspect of the world that I want to deny exists.

I really wish he'd go away. Life is so much easier, so much happier when his existence is forgotten.

And I keep wanting to just look at him and say "I'm still your friend. I still love you. You are still important to me, why can't we be best friends again?" But I know all he'll do is stare at me, empty, like he does these days, and tell me how people change. Tell me he just isn't my friend anymore. Tell me he fucked up ever being with me in the first place.

Yeah. I know the feeling.