Entry 000095; 01.28.01

My life
is so
horrible.

The delicate cream cheese - bagel balance has been once again upset. I don't know why I obsess over this, but I've been doing it since I was at least 8.

It takes exactly one large tub of cream cheese to use two bags of bagels. Now, if you burn some bagels, then you have extra cream cheese left over. If you let your roomates use your cream cheese, then you have extra bagels. In either case, no one wants to eat bagels plain, and no one wants to eat...cream cheese..plain. (ew.)

So I've been trying to juggle my bagel-creamcheese addiction and make it all work out, so when i run out of cream cheese, I don't have to buy a new bucket and then have way too much extra left over...and then buy more bagels and then have the bagels go over....oh goodness I so have the worst life ever. Forget the education, the ability to be fed, the clothing on my back, the warm apartment...Everyone should pity me.

YET!! Everytime I get cream cheese, someone uses some of it. Usually I'm lucky and it's not Nathan, in which case, There is only a bagel or two that is bare and too dry to eat. But sometimes...oh sometimes it IS Nathan. And, in this case, he ate about a third of the bucket. That's disgusting.

So now I shall be forced to go and get more cream cheese...which will be too much for a bag of bagels and I will have to buy more bagels...then more cream cheese...and so on the vicious cycle goes, leaving me a slave to my burnt bread and copious amounts of cheese cravings. Oh!! ::faints:::

In other news.

Oh fuck nothing else happened. This is pathetic.

Oh wait. On saturday...or was it Sunday? I hung out with Kaes, and we did some strobe light photography of me doing some kicks and whatnot. unfortunately, i'm pretty sure I'll look like a complete moron, as I haven't done anything in a very long time (around a year) and I was very ...unbalanced and sloppy.

Ay me.

For the last couple of nights, I've woken up ridiculous early. I think it's the soreness from working out like that. It's strange though, because I wake up, and I look over at Nathan, and I get the hugest urge to just belt him right in the face. I don't even mean waking him rudely. I mean like, breaking his nose. I'm not sure why. Most mornings, I roll around in bed for a half an hour to an hour, wondering about these violence urges. He hasn't even done anything actively evil lately.

It's really a good thing Nathan can't read me. If he could, I think he'd be a lot more...nervous than he is. If he's capable of that emotion. Not even just playing...sometimes I just really feel like getting a gun and shooting him. Or better, killing him with my bare hands. Towanda!!!

I'm kicking all of my classes asses. Probability can't possibly be this easy. There must be something going on. I just don't understand why we even bother to meet. Same with psych. Literature...well I can see how it would be hard, but it's sort of difficult to struggle in a class that is opinion and open discussion based, so of course I'm doing the best in that one. It sort of makes me feel guilty.

But...gloaty guilty.

I'm thinking of a new project. Something about the personalities, it's like occasionally (pretty often actually) a personality will start scratching to get out, and I've even caught myself acting in some ways that belong to personalities other than this one. Even the old ones are scratching, not just newly invented ones. Eh. We'll see how the project works out. Maybe I'm going crazy?

Doubt it.

Wierd ramblings have been cycling through my head...it's all something akin to waking up from very deep dream. I can feel my brain getting all non-glogged up. Stuff is starting to get normal. I can think faster now. I'm all full of ideas.

Another new project I was thinking up today on my walk to class was this entire crowd thing. I really have to get over it, it's a weakness that I shouldn't let stand. As I see it, if my mom can do it, so can I (she has the same problem...except she deals with it). I have no idea how she manages to either not listen, or to ignore all that humming insider her head. Maybe she's more developed and she can hear more than a hum. I'm not sure if that would be better or worse. Either way, I have this plan:

What I'm going to do, is to just pick some person and focus on that one person. I figure, not only will I be so busy focusing on one person, but I might even be able to develop my skills so I can read people at will. I figure if i can develop some more, then I can learn how to block stuff out, thereby making the standing in a crowd thing easier. We'll see.

Or maybe i'm just crazy?